Rebuilding on a Firm Foundation

Yesterday, I set out on a beach-walk that brought parkour to mind. I took a zig-zag route around large tidepools, leapt over puddles, walked on a variety of uneven surfaces and climbed over (and under) fallen trees and low branches, all the while keeping an eye on the incoming tide.

The need to navigate the hazards underfoot gave me an opportunity to set my mind on "intuitive" while moving at a steady pace, regularly glancing ahead to see how close I was to my objective, how close the approaching waves were, and what pools of water or muddy areas were in the way. For a good portion of the way, it was necessary to walk on barnacle-covered rocks and slippery seaweed. I've been doing this since I was a little girl, so it wasn't difficult, but it requires balance and a light, flexible step.

Seaweed and round rocks are slippery; barnacles are sharp, like teeth. Walking on this surface is a bit like ice-skating, requiring strength and flexibility at the same time.

In order to access the sandy stretches of beach, I had to weave in and out, backtracking at times. I knew exactly where I was headed, and the route I wanted to take, but it wasn't always possible to take that route. Sometimes, I would get near a sandbar and have to turn back, picking my steps carefully to avoid immersion (and ruining my sneakers), and find a dry way back out to the sand bars.

The air was salty and warm. Steam rose from the sand and seaweed as the sun shone down from the mid-day sky. There were sea gulls, a heron, anemones, clams and moon snails all around, and silence.

This walk was a good metaphor for my life, right now. In the silence, I found time, space and fresh air to do some writing (in my head). I haven't been writing here regularly since the end of 2012, and there is a reason for that:  I was attacked (in writing) by people I trusted deeply, people I considered dear friends. In a matter of a few weeks, a treasured relationship of many years' standing was destroyed by their vicious, groundless claims. While I know that there are two sides to every story, this blog is my place, and it will reflect my truth (a truth which, in this case, is informed, corroborated and supported by expert legal counsel).

Landslides on the beach are due to clay in the cliff; clay is an unstable foundation. I've made the mistake of building on unreliable foundations before; the result feels something like this looks.

This attack has caused me to feel unsafe; it has made me doubt my purpose, my work, myself and my perceptions. It made me pull in, like a turtle in its shell; it also caused me to watch and second-guess everything I want to write here. Bottom line:  I have been intimidated and afraid, and the time has come to stand up and be fully who I am.

I've been a student in the National Speakers Association's Northwest Academy for six months. We meet once a month, are instructed by professional speakers, and do homework in between class meetings. The presenters come from all walks of life:  sales, television, comedy, business consulting, image consulting, drama, etc. Each one has unique gifts, methods and lessons to teach us; I have learned more than I dreamed possible from the Academy, and I would recommend NSA to anyone who wants to develop their business and presentation skills. The fellowship is stimulating, and the leadership is top-notch and supportive.

We had two excellent instructors in the Academy last week:  Candace BelAir and Max Dixon. Both of them gave us valuable, useful, immediately-applicable tools - Candace focused on construction of a presentation, and Max dealt with physical presence and delivery.

Something unusual happened when Max was teaching. He asked if anyone of us was ever told we spoke too quietly. As a young person, I sometimes got into trouble for talking too much or laughing too loudly. Nowadays, I'm often told to speak up, so I raised my hand. Max invited me to join him in the front of the room, and instructed me to speak some lines. He proceeded to coach me until I projected as needed in order to be heard at the back of the room. It took several tries, but I finally did it.

The unusual thing happened right before I sat down again. Max was a professor at the University of Washington; he is an expert on acting, movement, diction, and presence, among other things. He understands, teaches and illustrates what enables us to move freely in this life - not just on stage. He looked directly at me, and said words to this effect: "You deserve to take up more space. You have a good brain, and you need to stop apologizing for yourself." It stopped me in my tracks, and shook me, because I've heard it before.

Where have I heard it? Katie said it, shortly before she died. She said, "Mom, you have got to stop apologizing."

When Max said practically the same thing, I listened. And that's why I am standing my ground here, now. If others want to tell a different version of the story - or if people want to listen to that version, without hearing my perspective, so be it. I wish them well.

I have lost so much that, when I think deeply about it, there is not much left of which to be afraid. By telling the truth here, I am claiming my space, and refusing to apologize - for a wrong I did not commit, for someone else's mistakes, mistaken impressions, or willful misunderstanding and misrepresentation of me.

I don't know what the end will be for my video; I don't know if I will be a public speaker, or not. Though I have made mistakes, I know who I am:  a child of God, a writer, advocate, wife and mother; a person of integrity who does her best to serve and bless out of a good, generous, loving heart; one who loves God and His creation, who seeks to serve with gratitude.

Candace reminded us last week that Oscar Wilde said, "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken" - what a great quote! It is enough to be myself. I am going to do my best to take the space I deserve, stand up for myself, write what is in my heart and stop apologizing - because my daughter said so, and she (and Max) have given me a powerful message.

"Goodness is the only investment which never fails." - Henry David Thoreau

Shout it From the Rooftops

We've had a fantastic week here. I am in a rush, so I'm going to give you the "Reader's Digest" version, and hope to fill in later.

-Maribeth was here for a visit.

-I gave a presentation to over 50 people at Eagle Harbor Book Co. about "Because of Katie," Katie's Comforters Guild and Dr. Michael Jensen's work at the Ben Towne Center for Childhood Cancer Research. Dr. Jensen was there, and answered the questions that were over my head. Awareness was raised. Hope grew. Books were sold and signed.

- An article is in the works for the fall edition of Pomona College Magazine (the publication of one of my alma maters) which will tell about Katie's Comforters and the pediatric cancer journey, also highlighting "Because of Katie."

- I received the following message via email (and permission to share it) from one of the oncologists who worked on Katie's treatment protocol at St. Jude's Children's Hospital. Check out his title (below), as he is now at Peyton Manning Children's Hospital:

"Hello Karen:

 

Thank you very much for sending me a personalized copy of your wonderful book as well as copy of the CD’s. I greatly enjoyed reading  your book, and was very moved and inspired by the way you told your story. I really liked the practical tips of “ what to do and Don’t” at the end of the book, and I advised Child Life and Hospice services at our Hospital to purchase the book and distribute copies to selected families.

Yesterday...I was able to watch the CD’s and learned a lot from your narration as well as from the interviews with different HCP and spiritual team. I applaud you for your efforts and really am of the conviction that the book and CD’s will fill a gap in the education of parents of cancer patients as well as many health care professionals taking care of children with cancer.

 

Again, warmest Congratulations on accomplishing this project and thanks for sharing it with me.

 

Best regards,

Bassem"

 

Bassem I. Razzouk MD, FAAP

Clinical Voluntary Professor, Cincinnati Children's Hospital

Medical Director

Children's Center For Cancer and Blood Diseases

Medical Director , Pediatric Hospice Services

Peyton Manning Children's Hospital at St. Vincent

Indianapolis IN

Now, we can shout it from the rooftops: "Because of Katie" and our DVDs are in use at two eminent children's hospitals! Thanks be to God.  
Now, to spread the word to other institutions!

 

What Would You Tell Yourself?

My friend Elizabeth Aquino of the blog "A Moon, Worn as if it Had Been a Shell" invited her readers to take part in a video she was making.

Elizabeth is the mother of Sophie, Henry and Oliver, wife of Michael, and an elegant writer, an activist and pastry chef. Feeling intimidated yet? But don't be - she is also one of the warmest, most supportive, empathetic, sharing and inclusive persons I've met in the blogisphere. Having a full life of her own, Elizabeth still takes the time and makes regular efforts to care in meaningful ways about the lives of others. Hence her participation in the Hopeful Parents community, and the video.

The video's participants are parents of children who have disabilities, and the topic is,  
What would you tell yourself, if you could go back to the day of your child's diagnosis?

I invite you to watch, and let me know what you think when you see the messages. Here is the link: Elizabeth's VIDEO .

Thank you, Elizabeth, for asking such a good (and deep) question, for listening to the responses, and for sharing them with the world.

I'm Writing a Book!

Yes, you already knew this, but I'm saying it again, because that is the reason I am not here as much as usual...I'm working on a book, and it's taking most of my energy. Well, the book and the video are...that is, the book, the video, the guild, our family, a fundraising event I'm trying to organize, all of the things around the house and garden that need work...you get the idea.

The other thing that really puts a damper on blogging is when my computer goes haywire, as it did this week. Trackpad issues with a Sony Vaio...when you search this on the web, a long list of links pops up. Hmmmmm...I never thought to check such things when I went to purchase a new laptop at Costco. I only knew that two family members have them and are happy with them.

I love Costco, and I appreciate their extended warranty and the concierge service they provide for all of their electronics, for free. It's much better than being in a telephone "chat" with Sony until 1:30 in the morning, believe me. However, my computer still wasn't working until yesterday, when I gave up on "free" help and called "our computer guy," Craig.

I've never met Craig in person, but he has had control over our computers from afar, and has diagnosed and solved every problem we've managed to throw at him - for me, my brother and his business, my dad and (I think) my sister, as well. He's awesome - and he gets paid to be awesome. Yesterday, I called Craig - which I should have done at the outset of the problem.

What do people do who don't have a Craig in their address book (or smartphone)? I wonder. He got us up and running, so we are nearly all set now - just a backup issue to resolve, and we'll be good to go. My trackpad is working. I can write again! Thank you, Craig!

So the book is written, but it needs to be re-formatted and the photos put into a separate file. That is what I'll be doing in the immediate future. I have a publishing team at CreateSpace helping me. It will be listed on Amazon.com when it's complete - and I hope-hope-hope it will be completed by Christmas. You will hear more about it here.

The remaining video interviews have been scheduled; they are with Katie's heart surgeon, the hospital chaplain with whom I felt the closest, and our hospice nurse. Once those interviews are all completed (the first week of October), we will begin the intensive business of editing the many hours of "gold" that Paul has captured.

The charity event is an auction of the quilts (shown in the recent posting here, and in more detail on Katie's Comforters Guild's blog). I want to share the spotlight with other friends who do good work and offer great products, so am trying to pull together a pre-holiday event to showcase their wares. If this all comes together, you'll be hearing about it here.

Close-up of one of the 3 quilts. Look at that beautiful, antique fabric!

- We have a honey-do list that is not of general interest, but it's big, and my honey-doesn't-do most of the items, so I'll be scheduling some helpers.
- Fr. Rohr is going to Portland to speak, and you can guess where I'm going to be when he does!
- The Ben Towne Foundation event is coming up, at which Gregg and I will appear in a brief video program.

Standing in our closet, trying to decide what to wear to the Ben Towne Foundation event.

You can laugh at me, but I've had to create an XL spreadsheet to keep track of all of these things and their individual steps and stages. It's too much for my menopausal brain to handle without visual backup, on the computer and on paper!

I think that's it. I have very little knowledge of what's going on in the news. We haven't seen a movie (in a theater) in months. Allegra's gift is still not finished (I'm at an impasse with the 3-D aspect of it). 

Sneak preview for Allegra

But I'm happier than I can remember feeling since Katie got sick, and that's something to write about.

Wishing you and yours a happy weekend!

Liger is almost always happy.

Remember to wear your GOLD gear for September!

"Sing joyfully to the LORD all you lands;
serve the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful song.
Know that the LORD is God;
he made us, his we are;
his people, the flock he tends.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
his courts with praise;
Give thanks to him; bless his name.
For he is good:
the LORD, whose kindness endures forever,
and his faithfulness, to all generations." 

- Psalm 100

Ready for the Weekend

Oh, my goodness, what a busy week! I am tired today...but it's a good kind of tired, overall.

Every day, I get up early to see who won the current stage of the Tour de France. Watch it again at dinnertime, from start to finish. Can you say "Addiction?"

On Monday, I cleaned the house - and it needed it! I thought I had an appointment for a massage, but Joanne (massage therapist) & I had our calendars mixed up.

On Tuesday, Paul and I went to Seattle to interview Julie & Tanya, Katie's Childlife and Social Workers from Seattle Children's Hospital. Julie is due to have a baby soon, and we needed to do this interview before that sweet little one arrives! Because a "media escort" was not available, we had to conduct the interview off-site (outside of the hospital) - which meant, in this case, a small park next to Ronald McDonald House. Very fitting, but not exactly QUIET.

The thoughts that Julie & Tanya shared with us were gems, and of huge value; they brought back so many memories for me. Julie and Tanya were basically the only two staff members who Katie welcomed into her room on a regular basis. She trusted them completely, and she enjoyed their company. They were genuine with her and with us, always. The were present. They could cope with whatever arose without blanching or freaking out. They had walked the path before, and they were not afraid. They helped me to be less afraid, and they helped me to advocate for my family...because they advocated for me. The two of them will have my deepest gratitude, for the rest of my life. So it was a privilege to hear their thoughts about Katie, about taking care of her and us, and about what she taught them.

Paul will have to find a way to mute the background sounds of trucks, cars and refrigeration systems from the parking lot of Metro Market next door. C'est la vie.

Tuesday night, Paul and Heidi and their wonderful kids joined us for dinner and a recap of the day's filming. Heidi brought wine and dessert: chocolate shells filled with sea salt caramel ice cream (I really wish I didn't know about this - best ice cream EVER!), fresh raspberries and mint.

Heidi brought this wine - I LOVE the name and the label!

Joanne and Beamer (her Welsh Corgi) stopped by with a bottle of wine, and stayed for dessert (Beamer had a slice of ham) and conversation. Our cats could NOT get over the fact that we had let a DOG in the house; usually, when we let Beamer in, the cats are outside. We looked at old photographs and told stories. It's fun to have friends from the 8th grade, like Paul, who "knew you when..."

Yesterday, I was out walking and Joanne stopped by, in her car. She had had a cancellation, and took me back to her home office, so I could have a massage! JOY. I really needed it; my hips were out of whack this week. One of the most wonderful things about living in this neighborhood is our neighbors, and Jo is one of our favorites.

I met Kathy H. this week. Kathy attended the same high school as Gregg, and read about Katie's Comforter's Guild in the local paper. She was moved to make fleece blankets for the hospital, and her first batch is of 29! Kathy really dove into the project, and her blankets are cozy and bright. They are going to be of great comfort to patients. You can see photos and read more at www.katiescomfortersguild.blogspot.com .

Gregg and I took a beautiful, long walk last night and ran into some friends. Delightful. Two stray cats have attempted to adopt me this week while I've been out walking. It's very tempting, but Gregg has said a clear and definite "NO" both times, so I couldn't sneak either of them home in my pocket.

I've been doing work for the guild, publicizing the latest news, uploading photos, promoting the Dairy Queen event on August 11th, and attending to correspondence. Meanwhile, washing clothes, exercising, shopping for food, preparing meals, cleaning up, running errands...so I'm definitely ready for the weekend!

This weekend, we are going to see friends and enjoy the sunshine that is predicted for our area - finally! We are also planning to host Gregg's parents for brunch on Saturday. The plan is for their house - the one in which they have lived for the past 45 years or so - to be put on the market this week. They have moved into assisted living. That is a big adjustment for everyone.

After grocery shopping today, I had to re-arrange things inside of the refrigerator. The massive (Costco) pickle jar had to go. Instead of pickles, here is what is inside of it now.

Beach glass! Much prettier than pickles.

Our whole family likes beach glass - even the Liger & Latte (pictured here)!

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Inside of St. Peter's in Rome (Gregg took this on his business trip)

This has been a busy week, and it's not over yet!
On Monday, Paul Dudley (of Paul Dudley Photography) & I went to Seattle Children's Hospital, and had the privilege and pleasure of interviewing two of Katie's doctors and her physical therapist on video. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this process, once I got over being nervous. It was probably the best day of "work" I've ever had in my life.
I had asked for 5 minutes from each of them, and led with the question: What did you learn from taking care of Katie that you would like to teach to students?

After thinking it over, I wondered if that might be a bit too general, so I invited them to look at about 5 more questions, and choose any or all of them. They embraced the group of questions, and between the three of them, they talked for an hour - an hour of gems of wisdom, experience, compassion, insight and caring. I was inspired and grateful to be part of it. And I deeply enjoyed being in the interviewer's chair, rather than being the speaker - I think I felt like Oprah for an hour, and it felt good!
I don't want to give away too much, but I will say that being able to listen in depth to the surgeon who worked for 16 of the 18 hours of Katie's surgery, saved her life, and dealt with each of us with care and compassion, was an experience beyond what I could have hoped for. I will always respect and love that man for what he did for Katie, and for us. He gave us several months of additional time with our precious girl, and he gave her a chance to live without that tumor. He is a light in the world, as is Dr. B & Linda A., who also gave us fabulous words to share with students.

Tuesday brought another trip to the city, just for fun, with my mom and lunch with Laura. Wednesday was laundry, massage therapy, exercise, Costco, and a pub date with my husband. We still haven't been inside of the new Trader Joe's, but that is on my list!
Today, I cooked a pork roast in the crockpot, and had Laura over for brunch (she made delicious nut & chocolate chip pancakes with fruit sauce for us). Laura needs her own cooking show; she is making up all kinds of awesome gluten-free, dairy-free, low-sugar treats! We made a lightning-fast visit to Poulsbo, to run errands at Grounds for Change and Liberty Bay Books. Then Gregg's parents joined us for dinner. What a fun day!
Tomorrow, I will be catching up on Guild business, more laundry, errands, exercise and hosting my parents for dinner.
Saturday is Camp Goodtimes set-up, and moving my in-laws into their new home (assisted living).

Now, it's time for bed. I hope to be able to check in with all of you soon, but it's a very busy time here. Please know that I am thinking of all of my blog peeps and wishing you well, even if I'm not visiting at the moment!

This Week on Gberger

This week, I
1.  finished the second draft of my book on Family-Centered Care
2.  completed two half-days of filming with Paul (of Paul Dudley Photography)
3.  quietly celebrated 20 years of marriage to my best friend
4.  got new shoes (I think I did this at the same time last year - it must be spring shoe fever!)

Check these babies out! They are black, with silver holographic dots all over them.
Memory-foam insoles - comfortable for walking (3 miles on their first outing)!

5.  prepared to return the blue jeans which - although the same size, by the same manufacturer, as my favorite jeans - DO NOT FIT! Can anyone explain that to me, please?
6.  feel as if I've lost 5 pounds (due to #1 & #2 above)
7.  feel as if I've gained 5 pounds (due to #5 above)
8.  watched the season finale of Modern Family (sorry, Oprah)
9.  loved stolen moments spent reading Personal History by Katharine Graham (& highly recommend it!)
10.  discovered McKenna Ryan's art-quilt gallery, where classes are available in my community. Not a fabric shop (though they offer some of their own fabrics), a gallery! Check it out here -the art quilts are too beautiful for words:

I was guided in my work this week by a helpful, centering quote from the Gospel:

Jesus said to his disciples:
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower.
He takes away every branch in me that does not bear fruit,
and everyone that does he prunes so that it bears more fruit.
You are already pruned because of the word that I spoke to you.
Remain in me, as I remain in you.
Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own
unless it remains on the vine,
so neither can you unless you remain in me.
I am the vine, you are the branches.
Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit,
because without me you can do nothing.
Anyone who does not remain in me
will be thrown out like a branch and wither;
people will gather them and throw them into a fire
and they will be burned.
If you remain in me and my words remain in you,
ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you.
By this is my Father glorified,
that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.”

What a blessing and humble privilege, to be a branch on that Vine, tended by His Vine Grower. I pray that my work will glorify our Father, and bear much fruit.

Now, it's time to relax and really celebrate that anniversary over the holiday weekend! I hope you have a great weekend, too!

Friday Fluff & Broken Stuff

It's Friday, the sun is out, and I'm having one of those days filled with mundane things to do. Nothing out of the ordinary:
Exercise - check.
Clean house - check.
Haircut, very short - check.
Run to lumber yard to buy thin sheet of wood (to protect newly finished kitchen floor at Mom & Dad's house when moving the refrigerator back into place) - check.
Pay & mail bills - check.
Pick up wedding ring from jeweler for THIRD repair of crack in band - check.

Okay, did that last one strike you as odd? I'm not a stonemason, landscaper, rock climber or boxer. How in the world have I cracked my wedding ring so many times? We've been married nearly 20 years, but it's a thick band - for which I specifically asked, because I didn't want to take it off a lot; I wanted to wear it doing whatever I do, indoors and out. I even told the designer that I go to the beach a lot, have been known to dig for clams, catch fish, go crabbing, kayaking, etc. I wanted a DURABLE wedding ring, so I got a nice, thick, rounded band.

I'm not a really buff gal - in fact, I'm only 5'1" - I don't do karate, don't chop concrete blocks in half, nor bend metal pipes with my bare hands. I'm a homemaker and writer, for goodness' sake. I clean the ring frequently because I like to see it shine, and I appreciate its beauty. I take very good care of it.

At first, I thought the crack was due to poor workmanship on the goldsmith's part during previous repairs, but the jeweler assures me that this is a fracture due to wear. She said, "I've never seen anything like this before. You wear that ring really hard." What, like a longshoreman or something?

Anyway, it's back on my left hand where it belongs, and the crack has been repaired.

This week, I discovered a mysterious cut in my left-front tire's sidewall. How in the heck did that happen? I could understand the curb-side getting dinged, but the driver's side? No clue - I take good care of my car - and I had NO IDEA how expensive tires are! Just FYI, in case you didn't know, if you have an all-wheel drive vehicle, and one tire needs to be replaced, (according to Les Schwab) they ALL need to be replaced. It has something to do with - well, I've forgotten why, but they are all supposed to be the same - if one is different, it tweaks something important.

It's been a fairly quiet week. I've been working on Guild stuff, taxes (yuck!) and on the transcript of our video project...voice-recognition software is miraculous, and it's also hilarious! Some of the nonsensical interpretations of what I said on video are a scream, when transcribed electronically. So in among the hard memories are moments of total comic relief.

He makes me laugh - I love him.

Tonight is date night, so I have to finish cleaning the house - and get myself ready. Happy weekend, everyone!