Hokusai Says

Hokusai Says by Roger Keyes

Hokusai says look carefully.
He says pay attention, notice.
He says keep looking, stay curious.
He says there is no end to seeing

He says look forward to getting old.
He says keep changing,
you just get more who you really are.
He says get stuck, accept it, repeat
yourself as long as it is interesting.

He says keep doing what you love.

He says keep praying.

He says every one of us is a child,
every one of us is ancient
every one of us has a body.
He says every one of us is frightened.
He says every one of us has to find
a way to live with fear.

He says everything is alive --
shells, buildings, people, fish,
mountains, trees, wood is alive.
Water is alive.

Everything has its own life.

Everything lives inside us.

He says live with the world inside you.

He says it doesn't matter if you draw,
or write books. It doesn't matter
if you saw wood, or catch fish.
It doesn't matter if you sit at home
and stare at the ants on your veranda
or the shadows of the trees
and grasses in your garden.
It matters that you care.

It matters that you feel.

It matters that you notice.

It matters that life lives through you.

Contentment is life living through you.
Joy is life living through you.
Satisfaction and strength
is life living through you.

He says don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.

Love, feel, let life take you by the hand.

Let life live through you.

{Katsushika Hokusai was a Japanese artist who lived and worked during the 19th century; thanks to my brother for sharing this poem.}

Hannah's Hopeful Hearts

I just received this message from our friends, Reba & Bill:

     On March 19th, 2010, the Bainbridge community came together at Grace Church for the Hannah's Hopeful Hearts "Climbing Mountains for A Cure for Brain Tumors" fundraiser.  The event was an enormous success both in terms of the love that was poured out for Hannah and our family and for the funds raised for brain tumor research.  The funds were critical for the development of Tumor Paint in Dr. Jim Olson’s lab.  We are delighted to share that the US FDA just gave the green light to begin brain tumor trials in the US with BLZ-100, the first tumor paint product. 

     In addition to Tumor Paint, innovative research under the name of Project Violet was developed by Jim and his colleagues at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center.  Project Violet aspires to develop a new class of nature-derived anti-cancer compounds that attack cancer cells while leaving healthy cells untouched.  This project largely depends on public donations – often from parents and friends of Olson’s pediatric patients - to fund the development of drugs to treat cancer or other diseases once thought incurable.

     Another pediatric cancer researcher, Dr. Michael Jensen, heads up the Ben Towne Center for Childhood Cancer Research.  Affiliated with Seattle Children’s Hospital, the Ben Towne Center has in a few short years achieved great success with their immunotherapy research.  Currently, 13 children and counting are leukemia-free, the relapsed neuroblastoma trial is beginning, and there is hopeful progress in targeting brain tumors. Additionally, Grace Church sponsored a young team of cyclists last year in the Race Across America (RAAM), benefiting Mike Jensen’s research.  Two of these cyclists were classmates of our daughter, Hannah.  We have been proud to support both Jim and Mike’s work.

     We are excited to announce that for the first time ever, Dr. Olson and Dr. Jensen graciously agreed to come together in one special night to update our community on their work and progress in childhood cancer research.

This new Hannah’s Hopeful Hearts event will take place on Friday, April, 10^th, 2015, beginning at 7 pm at Grace Church on Bainbridge Island.  Following presentations from Dr. Olson and Dr. Jensen, a call for donations will take place.  During the night, wine, light hors d’oeuvres and a simple dessert buffet will be provided.  The evening will conclude with a lively concert by the band, St. Paul de Vence.  Friends with Jim, this band contributed to the Violet Sessions CD, a creative project that helps to fund research at the Olson lab. 

     We look forward to another heartfelt and inspirational evening to further the work of these two amazing doctors towards their mutual goals of finding less toxic, more effective treatments for pediatric cancer.  And in the words of our favorite QB who is #strongagainstcancer, Go Jim!!  Go Mike!!  Go Hawks!!

With gratitude and hope,  

Reba Ferguson and Bill Hunt

Gregg and I will be participating in this event, and we invite you to mark your calendars and join us. It's going to be a stellar evening, filled with good news, hope, thanksgiving and joy.

Awe, Refreshment & Shinrin-Yoka

It’s becoming essential that we learn how to relate sanely with difficult times. The earth seems to be beseeching us to connect with joy and discover our innermost essence. This is the best way that we can benefit others. - Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Our goal should be to...get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted...never treat life casually. To be spiritual is to be amazed. ―Abraham Joshua Heschel

I also remember coming upon a clearing in the woods so densely overgrown that it felt depressing, for nothing seemed capable of getting through. Something in my own makeup resembled this and made me return there several times. But it was finally in winter, without its leaves, that this same clearing undressed itself as a magnificent bed of light that happened to be on the crest of a beautiful hill. It humbled me to realize that winter can be freeing, too, and that I am often overgrown with memories and reasons and twigs of mind that block me from the light. - Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

Slowing down and truly listening to the wind, birdsong, frogs croaking, running water, the sound of our own footsteps, alder leaves susurrating, fir needles whooshing like ocean waves - really hearing whatever is around us - is a gift. The sense of hearing is a gift.

Seeing the wonder of a leaf drifting on the wind, two trees growing together - entwined like passionate lovers - berries sprouting from a decaying log, moss cloaking trunks of maple and roots of upturned cedar, alders dancing, trailing fingers in a pond, ducks diving in duckweed, clouds passing overhead, ripples on water - is a gift. Seeing is a gift.

Caressed by a breeze, temperature changes, heart lifting, pulse rising in the freedom of open spaces, muscles working up and down trails, a slippery boardwalk or the crunch of stone and bark underfoot, smoothness of grass, ripple of roots, soft springiness of moss - is a gift. Feeling is a gift.

The scent of turning leaves, a salty breeze, pungence of skunk cabbage, decaying mushrooms, rain-washed trails, sap-filled pines - is a gift. The sense of smell is a gift.

The Stroll for Well-Being is teaching me that the Japanese healing intervention of Shinrin-yoka, or "walking in the forests to promote health" is effective. Nature's variety of shape, color, scent, function and form remind me that everything, at every stage of life, has its own particular beauty. We are not made to look - or be - the same as others. Each one of us has unique purpose and gifts, revealed as our lives evolve. What might be your gift, in this time and place?

The Bloedel house, viewed from the bluff

Present to The Presence

"What we’re doing in contemplation is learning, quite simply, how to be present. That is the only way to encounter any other presence, including God in prayer, Jesus in the Eucharist, and Jesus in others. The change is all and always on our side. God is present everywhere all the time. There really is not much point in arguing about IF and HOW Jesus is present in the bread and wine; simply be present yourself and you will know all that you need to know. It is an exercise in surrender and presence from your side alone.

"...God is always given from God’s side, but we have to learn how to receive such total givenness, which is a very vulnerable position for humans. So Jesus said 'Eat it' and did not say 'think about it,' which is our defensive control tower. The Christian strategy seems to be this: struggle with divine presence in one focused, determined, and assured place (bread and wine, which is just about as universal a symbol as you can get)—and from that moment of space and time move to all space and all time..." -Richard Rohr, adapted from CAC Foundation Set: Gospel Call to Compassionate Action (Bias from the Bottom) and Contemplative Prayer

I love this piece by Father Rohr. It speaks to me because everything in our world moves so fast, and is now full of mental - as well as audible - noise. The internet, our mobile devices, WIFI, telephone, TV, parties, news...words abound, delivered through voices everywhere, and what are they saying? Is it something we need to hear, something of blessing, or is it just noise?

It is easy to become addicted to the noisy input and constant contact. I would never have guessed that it could be addictive, because I love silence, but it is - studies are showing this to be true, in a Pavlov's-dogs sort of way. The phone/device emits a "ding," and we are so addicted to the "rush" which it elicits that we have to  - we cannot NOT - respond to it. Why else would people take risks such as typing (not watching where they are going) while operating a motor vehicle at speed?

Fr. Rohr's words point to a reality which is vital in human relationships: presence. I recently spoke about healing presence in my graduation speech at the Academy. Healing presence is something which each of us possesses, to varying degrees, and the primary element in it is our presence - we must first show up, not just in body, but in mind, heart and spirit. Our genuine presence has the potential to bring healing to any situation.

Practicing true, full presence is much more challenging than it sounds in this busy, noisy world - a world where we engage in multiple activities at the same time - but it is truly worth the effort. Meditation and contemplative prayer teach us to practice presence. Sitting in silence for even one minute is not easy, but it is powerfully revealing.

Taking a position about who is allowed to receive the Eucharist, and what it means, is thinking about, rather than entering into, presence. "So Jesus said 'Eat it' and did not say 'think about it,' which is our defensive control tower." These words are simple genius. "Our defensive control tower" could also be noise, busyness, entertainment and ceaseless action, or response to the "ringtones" in our lives.

When I receive the Eucharist and "Do this in remembrance" of Jesus, somehow, I am gently opened. He comes into my offered presence as nourishment, food and drink, and is taken into my being on a cellular level. He is invited and received into my body, heart and mind. Eating the bread and drinking the wine is a way in which I can offer humility, openness, need, and gratitude. It is one of the reasons I love to participate in worship: the Presence meeting my presence - our collective presence - as gift.

This poem by Lynn Ungar was read in worship service on Sunday:

Salvation
By what are you saved: And how?
Saved like a bit of string,
tucked away in a drawer?
Saved like a child rushed from
a burning building, already
singed and coughing smoke?
Or are you salvaged
like a car part - the one good door
when the rest is wrecked?

Do you believe me when I say
you are neither salvaged nor saved,
but salved, anointed by gentle hands
where you are most tender?
Haven't you seen
the way snow curls down
like a fresh sheet, how it
covers everything,
makes everything
beautiful, without exception?

May our days be filled with moments of true presence to the One who is always present to us.

Rebuilding on a Firm Foundation

Yesterday, I set out on a beach-walk that brought parkour to mind. I took a zig-zag route around large tidepools, leapt over puddles, walked on a variety of uneven surfaces and climbed over (and under) fallen trees and low branches, all the while keeping an eye on the incoming tide.

The need to navigate the hazards underfoot gave me an opportunity to set my mind on "intuitive" while moving at a steady pace, regularly glancing ahead to see how close I was to my objective, how close the approaching waves were, and what pools of water or muddy areas were in the way. For a good portion of the way, it was necessary to walk on barnacle-covered rocks and slippery seaweed. I've been doing this since I was a little girl, so it wasn't difficult, but it requires balance and a light, flexible step.

Seaweed and round rocks are slippery; barnacles are sharp, like teeth. Walking on this surface is a bit like ice-skating, requiring strength and flexibility at the same time.

In order to access the sandy stretches of beach, I had to weave in and out, backtracking at times. I knew exactly where I was headed, and the route I wanted to take, but it wasn't always possible to take that route. Sometimes, I would get near a sandbar and have to turn back, picking my steps carefully to avoid immersion (and ruining my sneakers), and find a dry way back out to the sand bars.

The air was salty and warm. Steam rose from the sand and seaweed as the sun shone down from the mid-day sky. There were sea gulls, a heron, anemones, clams and moon snails all around, and silence.

This walk was a good metaphor for my life, right now. In the silence, I found time, space and fresh air to do some writing (in my head). I haven't been writing here regularly since the end of 2012, and there is a reason for that:  I was attacked (in writing) by people I trusted deeply, people I considered dear friends. In a matter of a few weeks, a treasured relationship of many years' standing was destroyed by their vicious, groundless claims. While I know that there are two sides to every story, this blog is my place, and it will reflect my truth (a truth which, in this case, is informed, corroborated and supported by expert legal counsel).

Landslides on the beach are due to clay in the cliff; clay is an unstable foundation. I've made the mistake of building on unreliable foundations before; the result feels something like this looks.

This attack has caused me to feel unsafe; it has made me doubt my purpose, my work, myself and my perceptions. It made me pull in, like a turtle in its shell; it also caused me to watch and second-guess everything I want to write here. Bottom line:  I have been intimidated and afraid, and the time has come to stand up and be fully who I am.

I've been a student in the National Speakers Association's Northwest Academy for six months. We meet once a month, are instructed by professional speakers, and do homework in between class meetings. The presenters come from all walks of life:  sales, television, comedy, business consulting, image consulting, drama, etc. Each one has unique gifts, methods and lessons to teach us; I have learned more than I dreamed possible from the Academy, and I would recommend NSA to anyone who wants to develop their business and presentation skills. The fellowship is stimulating, and the leadership is top-notch and supportive.

We had two excellent instructors in the Academy last week:  Candace BelAir and Max Dixon. Both of them gave us valuable, useful, immediately-applicable tools - Candace focused on construction of a presentation, and Max dealt with physical presence and delivery.

Something unusual happened when Max was teaching. He asked if anyone of us was ever told we spoke too quietly. As a young person, I sometimes got into trouble for talking too much or laughing too loudly. Nowadays, I'm often told to speak up, so I raised my hand. Max invited me to join him in the front of the room, and instructed me to speak some lines. He proceeded to coach me until I projected as needed in order to be heard at the back of the room. It took several tries, but I finally did it.

The unusual thing happened right before I sat down again. Max was a professor at the University of Washington; he is an expert on acting, movement, diction, and presence, among other things. He understands, teaches and illustrates what enables us to move freely in this life - not just on stage. He looked directly at me, and said words to this effect: "You deserve to take up more space. You have a good brain, and you need to stop apologizing for yourself." It stopped me in my tracks, and shook me, because I've heard it before.

Where have I heard it? Katie said it, shortly before she died. She said, "Mom, you have got to stop apologizing."

When Max said practically the same thing, I listened. And that's why I am standing my ground here, now. If others want to tell a different version of the story - or if people want to listen to that version, without hearing my perspective, so be it. I wish them well.

I have lost so much that, when I think deeply about it, there is not much left of which to be afraid. By telling the truth here, I am claiming my space, and refusing to apologize - for a wrong I did not commit, for someone else's mistakes, mistaken impressions, or willful misunderstanding and misrepresentation of me.

I don't know what the end will be for my video; I don't know if I will be a public speaker, or not. Though I have made mistakes, I know who I am:  a child of God, a writer, advocate, wife and mother; a person of integrity who does her best to serve and bless out of a good, generous, loving heart; one who loves God and His creation, who seeks to serve with gratitude.

Candace reminded us last week that Oscar Wilde said, "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken" - what a great quote! It is enough to be myself. I am going to do my best to take the space I deserve, stand up for myself, write what is in my heart and stop apologizing - because my daughter said so, and she (and Max) have given me a powerful message.

"Goodness is the only investment which never fails." - Henry David Thoreau

September is the Month for Gold

Did you know this?

Everyone seems to know about October being Breast Cancer Awareness month, from the pink ribbons and the stranglehold that one very well-known advocacy group has on marketing. While I am all for advocacy and awareness, I am not in favor of one group trying to "own" a symbol which has the potential to help lead to cures for ALL types of cancer. But I digress...

September is the month in which people who have been touched by pediatric cancer get to turn a light on the topic. If we can talk about breasts and prostate cancer, surely we can shed light on the reality behind the statistics:

CANCER is the #1 cause of death  

by disease among children.

That's an ugly statistic, and it is even uglier when you have personal experience with it.

If you knew that there was a serial-killer of children on the loose in your community, what would you do? Would you form a neighborhood watch, find out all of the information you could, and do all in your power to keep your children safe? Well, there is a serial-killer out there, and it's called cancer. It's a variety of diseases, all grouped under one name.

What if the murderer got hold of one of your kids - say, kidnapped one of them? What would you do then? Would you try to pay the ransom, or call detectives and try to outwit him? Would you try anything and everything to free your child and bring her home safely? What if the only way to set your child free from this assassin was to poison her, or maim your own precious one? Would you do whatever it took to save her life?

I'll bet you would...and that's exactly the choice we had to face. We tried to save Katie using the only means available to us, but it wasn't possible. She suffered terribly, and she died anyway. And it happens like this every day.

Artwork by Heide Randall, mother of Jessica. Katie is in the 2nd row, 4th from the right.

Now, we're trying to find ways to save children (and adults - it benefits everyone!) that are NOT poisonous, and that do not cause long-term disability. There is a miracle-cure on the horizon: immunotherapy (T-cell therapy). It's happening now, right here in Seattle at the Ben Towne Center for Childhood Cancer Research, and it needs our support.

If you can give to research, please do. If you can't give, please tell someone - telling even one other person makes a difference. And if you are going to tell someone, please let them know about my book, which describes the way it really is in the world of pediatric cancer. Or you could give them a copy, either in Kindle or paperback format.

Thank you!

Artwork by Heide Randall

AWARENESS Month

September is Pediatric Cancer Awareness month, in case you didn't know.

In honor of Katie, I ordered a customizable shirt from www.zazzle.com, and it arrived last week. The design looks like this:

Awareness Tree -- CUSTOMIZABLE! by teamunite
Browse Childhood cancer T-Shirts

I love it!
If you'd like to get your own (sweatshirt, t-shirt, mug, etc.) and customize it in honor of someone you love, follow the link and be sure to use the coupon - they're offering 15% discounts right now.
You can also find links to awareness gear at www.cafepress.com and on www.teamunite.net. The wonderful Heide Randall (mother of Jessica, and one of the original 46 Mommas who Shaved for the Brave last September, featured on the Stand Up to Cancer telethon) designed these items, and she did a great job! Thanks a million, Heide!

American Airlines Magazine Spotlights Our Friends @ Team Unite

Please follow this link to read an inspiring article in the American Airlines in-flight magazine, featuring our Hope & Empowerment/Team Unite friends, Heide Randall and Michelle Tucker: http://www.americanwaymag.com/cancer-ben-baltz-henry-tucker-disease-nashville .

That's Heide on the far right, and Michelle in the middle. Team Unite co-founder, Dianne Killian is on our laps, and Henry Allen of the Brain Candy project is on the left.

By the way, Heide Randall also just shaved her head and raised money and awareness for cancer research, as one of the founding 46 Mommas Shave for the Brave! She was on Stand Up 2 Cancer with that group, all bald-headed. We are so proud of Heide & Michelle. Thank you, American Airlines!