The SFDWG (Sh*tty First Draft Writing Group)

A few years ago, I met a group of bereaved mothers online. Each one of us had recently suffered the death of our child, all due to completely different causes. We are bloggers who live in Ohio, Virginia and Washington state. Robin, Karen, Chris & I had never met in the flesh, but we felt akin to one another once we began to correspond. One of our group suggested that we start a book group using a private blog where we could reflect and discuss what we were reading. That is exactly what we did - except (of course), much more than that happened.

We chose a book by wonderful author Joyce Rupp called "Open the Door." As we read and responded to the questions for each chapter, we walked together through our grief, our deepest thoughts and spiritual issues, family difficulties, anniversaries, and more. We got to know each other intimately...and some of us have now met in person. These relationships are a tremendous gift of solace to me.

The blog is still private. We tried to study another book after finishing "Open the Door," but everyone's life got busier and the book study disbanded. We keep in touch through our blogs, facebook and private email communications, but have allowed the group activity around a book to go away.

I found I missed the regular exchanges and camaraderie with such women; though I don't seek them out, bereaved mothers do tend to find each other. But it can't be just ANY bereaved mother: she has to have a deep (and preferably dark) sense of humor and irony; she needs some kind of spiritual sense, and she has to be determined to live a full life, while facing the fact that there is one part of her life that will never, ever be filled again.

A little over a year ago, I attended the Field's End Writer's Conference with my friend, Reba (Hannah's mom). That event inspired us to found a writing group, and invite other fledgling writers to join in for accountability and encouragement. Enter the Sh*tty First Draft Writing Group. It just happened that the members of this group are all bereaved mothers -  most of the credit for this miracle goes to Reba, Hannah's mom; she knows all of us, and introduced us to one another. Credit for the name of the group goes to Anne Lamott, who encourages her students to write "shitty first drafts," and not to edit prematurely - just get it out, get it down - go for it.

We meet every two weeks at one home or other, share what we are working on, offer commentary and encouragement, laugh, cry, eat, drink and generally support each other creatively in a space which no one but a bereaved parent understands. No one but a mother who has had to say "goodbye" to her child knows the gnawing space left in the heart and gut; the difficulties of living each day, facing the future without that child's presence; the existential questions and challenges to faith, the search for meaning - and meaningful work, - the panic attacks, doubt and the harsh reality of a life changed, permanently, forever, stretching out before us - a life without that child's laughter, love, touch, smell, sensibility, contributions and need for our care. We also share our joys in day-to-day living, our families, progress, growth and inspiration.

In the presence of such understanding, I do not feel "alien;" without that fellowship, my loss looms even greater. I'm thankful for these beautiful, talented, generous women and each of their precious children.

Robin, Stefanie, Reba and Teri

"Leonard Cohen’s song, 'Anthem,' states in the refrain: 'There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.' It sounds a lot like Paul’s statement about carrying 'the treasure in earthen vessels' (2 Corinthians 4:7). These are both much more poetic ways of naming what we unfortunately called 'original sin' —a poor choice of words because the word sin implies fault and culpability, and that is precisely not the point! Original sin was trying to warn us that the flaw at the heart of all reality is nothing we did personally, but that there is simply 'a crack in everything' and so we should not be surprised when it shows itself in us or in everything else." - Richard Rohr

 Thank God for good company on a hard road. That's another example of "how the light gets in."

The Good Shepherd

Gregg and I love to walk for exercise. Running is not an option for him due to problems with his back, so we walk instead. We like to explore new places, yet we have favorite routes which we like to repeat. This summer, his employer is offering an incentive to walk a certain distance each day, so we are going to have fun trying to "beat" that number.

After dinner last night, we went to one of our preferred spots and found that the city of Bainbridge Island is utilizing a natural means for dealing with the encroachment of pernicious ivy in this park: they brought in a goatherd and his flock of goats.

This man parks his huge trailer in the lot, and camps there with his dog and herd until the job is done. Let me tell you, those goats are dedicated workers (eaters). When they have stripped one area, he moves the flock (and the portable electric fencing which protects them) to another section of the park.

It is amazing to see them strip the undergrowth. We saw goats climbing trees, butting each other, standing on stumps and fallen trees, eating bark and branches and navigating slopes so steep that it looked as if they would certainly topple over. They are sure-footed, efficient, comical, and noisy.

We stopped to ask questions of the goatherd, and learned a bit about his work. His business is called "Healing Hooves Vegetation Management." It is an alternative to chemical weed-killer - a natural, organic use of a resource in a way that illustrates the old saying, "one man's trash is another man's treasure." It reminded me of a favorite psalm.

"The Lord the Shepherd" (Psalm 23)

"The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need [will lack nothing].   

He lets me rest [makes me lie down] in green pastures. 

He leads me to calm [quiet] water. 

He gives me new strength [renews my soul]. 

He leads me on paths that are right [righteous; or straight] for the good [sake] of his name [reputation].  

Even if I walk through a very dark valley [or the shadow of death], I will not be afraid [fear no evil], because you are with me.  

Your rod and your shepherd’s staff comfort me.  

You prepare a meal [table] for me in front [the presence] of my enemies. 

You pour oil of blessing on my head [anoint my head with oil;oil was a means of refreshment in a hot, dry environment];  

you fill my cup to overflowing [make my cup overflow; a cup of blessing].   

Surely your goodness and love [loyalty; mercy] will be with [pursue; follow] me all my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever [for length of days]."

Sunset over the calm waters of Rich Passage

Encouragement from Dorothy

The original "Katie's Comforter"

 "I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall be ever in my mouth.
Let my soul glory in the LORD; the lowly will hear me and be glad. 

Glorify the LORD with me, let us together extol his name.
I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Look to him that you may be radiant with joy, and your faces may not blush with shame.
When the poor one called out, the LORD heard, and from all his distress he saved him. 

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.
Taste and see how good the LORD is; blessed the man who takes refuge in him." - Psalm 34

Our family was blessed and comforted by many excellent caregivers during Katie's illness. One of these, about whom I have written in "Because of Katie," is Linda, a gifted physical therapist. Linda was able to see Katie as a person, beyond her diagnosis. She was able to develop trust and cooperation with Katie in the most frightening and painful period of her life - no small feat, when you think about how many strangers had entered Katie's 11-year old world, and were compelling her to do things she did not want to do.

Linda learned what was important to Katie, and worked within that frame to get her sitting up, out of bed, walking and even preparing a gift of cookies for her brother's birthday - all of this from the starting point of a bed in a cancer ward, and often with an IV pole in tow.

Since Katie's passing, I have stayed in contact with Linda. She has introduced me to others in her field. As a teacher, Linda has invited me to address students. She introduced me to the University of Washington's Doctoral Physical Therapy program, where I have been privileged to address students. She allowed me to interview her for the video. We have visited each other just for fun - Linda has many, varied interests and talents, and is good company. 

Last summer, Linda brought her mother, Dorothy, to spend the day in Poulsbo. We formed an immediate friendship, and found out that we share a love of fabric, among other things. Dorothy surprised me with a particularly generous offer: to make a quilt for us out of Katie's clothes. I have seen such quilts: my friend Robin has a gorgeous one, made of her son Matthew's t-shirt collection. Dorothy sent photos of quilts she has made for bereaved friends; each one is unique, and honors the spirit of the beloved who has gone on ahead of us.

Though I was intrigued by the idea, going through Katie's clothes and sending them away to be cut up was simply not possible for me. I could not let them go - couldn't even sort them out without being stunned and stuck in grief. So I thought about this beautiful offer, but couldn't make a move toward accepting it...until a few weeks ago.

One day, I could do it. I don't know why it was that day, but I had waited, honored my feelings, and suddenly, knew it was time. I went through Katie's dresser and closet, chose the garments that were particular favorites of hers (and mine), handled them with loving memories (and some pangs), visualized her wearing them, and then folded them into a box for shipping to Dorothy.

When I awoke this morning, this message was in my inbox: 

"Dear Karen;
Your package arrived yesterday afternoon, opening that box was like meeting Katie, can see why it took time for you to get to this point.  So many colors to work with, I  will enjoy this more than you can imagine!!! After looking at everything there is to work with,  I can see the quilt completed in my mind.  I'm not going to tell you ANYTHING about it until you open the package when it arrives!...Will get started on the creation tomorrow,  Katie and I have WORK to do!! Do take care and God bless. Love, Dot"

This message warmed my heart; I know that Katie's things are in the most tender, understanding and skilled hands. What a gracious gift - what a gracious lady! This is another example of the generosity and goodness of God, seen through the love of His people. Noticing, receiving and giving thanks for such goodness is a key to my survival, day by day. Doing my best to offer that kind of goodness into the world is another key. 

May this true story of goodness and kindness encourage you today.

"...Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all encouragement,
who encourages us in our every affliction,
so that we may be able to encourage
those who are in any affliction
with the encouragement with which we ourselves are encouraged by God.
For as Christ’s sufferings overflow to us,
so through Christ does our encouragement also overflow.
If we are afflicted,
it is for your encouragement and salvation;
if we are encouraged,
it is for your encouragement,
which enables you to endure the same sufferings that we suffer.
Our hope for you is firm,
for we know that as you share in the sufferings,
you also share in the encouragement."- 2 Corinthians 1

Happy Nearly-Summer

Flowers on Fjord Street

Happy nearly-summer to you!

It has been so busy around here that, though I often think, "I want to write about that," I haven't been able to stop and jot down any reflections. These days, my writing is done for class. What has been keeping me hopping? Work, class, exercise, family, friends (rinse, repeat). We are enjoying the gorgeous summer sunshine, and spending as much time out of doors as possible (no gym memberships here; exercise is taken outside, rain or shine).

We celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary in Victoria, B.C., one of our favorite cities. After taking the M.V. Coho from Port Angeles to Victoria early Friday morning, we dropped off our bags at the hotel and set out on foot to explore. We walked every day, between six and 10 miles, all over the city and its lovely neighborhoods. There is so much to see, and the people are low-key and friendly. Walking helped to burn off some of the wonderful meals we enjoyed...

Sushi lunch at Sen Zushi

A room-service gift from the hotel to celebrate our anniversary

 Cafe Brio - one of our favorite restaurants - the freshest local food and wine, with excellent preparation. After dinner, we stopped at the Irish Times pub for a nightcap and live music.

Up early on Saturday for breakfast and the start of the Swiftsure Race. This included a walk along the gorgeous shoreline, up to Beacon Hill Park.

A stop for refreshment at our favorite coffee shop, watching the world go by

Rooftop dining with peek-a-boo view of the harbor (after appetizers at an oyster bar)

22 years - so much gratitude and love for this man!

View  of the Empress Hotel as the M.V. Coho departs Victoria Harbor

We window-shopped, admired cottages and their gardens, enjoyed street performers, savored a historic bookstore, took in treats, local color and music at a farmer's market, browsed along fisherman's wharf, visited a bicycle shop, dropped into a shrimp festival, looked at real estate, walked around the harbor to see floating homes, walked and walked and walked. Just three days and two nights felt like a real vacation.

David is back at home with us, working at his summer job. It's wonderful to be able to see him in the mornings, eat dinner with him, and just be together as a family.

My days have been filled with class, homework, workshops and meetings. I'm learning a great deal, meeting interesting people, finding out what has been going on in the world of commerce since I left it 13 years ago, and enjoying the process. I've also been spending time with my parents - we love having them nearby.

Maribeth and her daughter, Taylor, were here for two days and a night, and we had a blast walking the beach, visiting favorite haunts and catching up.

Lunch at the New Rose Cafe at Bainbridge Gardens

Friends, peace, sunshine and beach glass - a perfect day

Tomorrow, our cousin Rebecca is coming over, and we are going to put together fabric kits. She will take them to her friends at the Stillaguamish Grange, where those good people will make blankets for Katie's Comforters Guild. We are thankful for their support!

Desire

This peacock desires attention. We encountered him in a farm yard next to a run-down house (while we were on a bike ride). For all of his feathery glory, he was unappreciated by his neighbors. He was "working it," turning this way and that, shaking his wings and tail-feathers, but the hens and roosters simply went about their business, pecking at the ground and crossing the road. It was hilarious, because it was a surprise to see him in that setting - and because the chickens were so unimpressed.

"If there is only one thing I am called to say it is this: 

'Feel free to desire, even to desire the Divine.' 

It's all right because the One whom we desire, desires us with even more fervor. 

It's all right because the body-spirit union, the human-divine union already exists and desire opens us to experience it." - Mary Pinney Erickson -

Desire.

What do you desire? 

I desire wholeness, beauty and purpose. 

I desire to live the rest of my life with as much love, courage and commitment as I lived with Katie and my family in the hospital.

I desire to serve God and my fellow-man.

I desire meaning.

At this time, I am engaged in a stimulating class and the homework it requires, in helping senior-citizen parents, being a wife, mother, friend, author, guild-president and entrepreneur. I'm in a writing group which meets every other week (though most of what I write is for class, these days). My daily diary is full, but not oppressively so; I have the gift of time for reflection, and - sometimes - for doubt and wondering.

Am I on the right path? Am I going anywhere? If so, where? 

I sometimes have the sense of a moving target - a feeling that, every time I think I've discerned where I am going, and turn my efforts in that direction, the destination shifts. Sometimes the shift is ever-so-slight, and sometimes it is "A 180" - a complete turn-around.

I am: 

- reading a delightful book during morning devotions called "Beginner's Grace" by Kate Braestrup.

- re-connecting with the ground-breaking work of Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, author of "My Grandfather's Blessings." 

- re-discovering the wonderful training resources from the years when I was a Stephen Minister. 

- enjoying the pleasures of cycling, and the things that are visible when viewing the world at that pace. We stop, we laugh, we are thankful.

Lavender farm in Sequim, WA

It seems that this is a time for quiet study, creativity and simple service. Looking back at what I desire, there it is - answered prayer.

What do you desire? Are you already in the midst of it? 

Sir 2:1-11:

My son, when you come to serve the LORD,
stand in justice and fear,
prepare yourself for trials.
Be sincere of heart and steadfast,
incline your ear and receive the word of understanding,
undisturbed in time of adversity.
Wait on God, with patience, cling to him, forsake him not;
thus will you be wise in all your ways.
Accept whatever befalls you,
when sorrowful, be steadfast,
and in crushing misfortune be patient;
For in fire gold and silver are tested,
and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.
Trust God and God will help you;
trust in him, and he will direct your way;
keep his fear and grow old therein.

You who fear the LORD, wait for his mercy,
turn not away lest you fall.
You who fear the LORD, trust him,
and your reward will not be lost.
You who fear the LORD, hope for good things,
for lasting joy and mercy.
You who fear the LORD, love him,
and your hearts will be enlightened.
Study the generations long past and understand...
Compassionate and merciful is the LORD...

May God bless your hands, your eyes, and your heart as you go about your days.

Your Kindness, O LORD, Endures Forever

"I will give thanks to you, O LORD, with all my heart,
for you have heard the words of my mouth;
in the presence of the angels I will sing your praise...
Because of your kindness and your truth,
you have made great above all things
your name and your promise.
When I called, you answered me;
you built up strength within me...

Your right hand saves me.
The LORD will complete what he has done for me;
your kindness, O LORD, endures forever..." - Psalm 138

Today, I'm giving thanks to our Creator for sunshine, the glorious beauty of Western Washington, flowers, trees, fresh salty air and water.

I'm thankful to live in a place with mountains and salt water, where you can commute to work by boat

...a place that a cruise ship company thinks is worth a stop

...a place with a bakery that makes these

...and especially these.

I'm giving thanks for fellowship with kind, whole-hearted, understanding, talented, intelligent, funny, wise women. I'm thankful for the gift of this vase of flowers - an early Mother's Day treat from one bereaved mother to another:

Thank you, Teri!

...and for the gift of our writing group, with its encouragement, laughter, inspiration, education and even the occasional tears.

I'm thankful for my family, for time and space to listen, learn and serve, for the gift of the NSA Northwest Speaker's Academy camaraderie and lessons, for support and insight into my work, and for the work itself.

I'm thankful to be able to "barter" (or "work off") the cost of the most wonderful bicycle I've ever ridden. I have not enjoyed cycling since high school, but this bike (6 years old, but new to me) is a revelation - it's actually FUN to ride! I'm thankful for a delicious brunch and bike ride with a friend who we originally met at Seattle Children's Hospital - and for her friendship. I'm thankful for a recent barbeque with Gregg's work peeps in a breathtakingly beautiful location, and for conversations wide-ranging, deep and not-so-deep.

I'm thankful to be able to host Gregg's family to celebrate Mother's Day this Saturday, and to spend Mother's Day with my side of the family - especially with our son, who is finishing his final exams today. I'm grateful that Gregg's mother and mine are both still with us, at 91 and 80 years of age, respectively.

Though life is not easy or simple, life is GOOD. God is GOOD. He makes His promises GOOD. We can be joyful and trust in that fact. Thanks be to our Creator!

Spring Joys

These lovely flowers are in planters in a little shopping center on the main street of Bainbridge Island. We went for a walk around town and they brightened my day so much that I wanted to share them with you.

I've been busy doing homework, learning a great deal and enjoying it immensely. I'll be in class two times during this week and am looking forward to what we're going to learn. Everyone I've met through NSA is interesting, kind and energetic, and the curriculum is exciting. It's been a long time since I was in school and I'm finding it stimulating. It came at just the right time, and I am grateful to have this opportunity to learn new things.

Gregg and I took a quick trip to visit David last weekend. It's a 5-hour trip from the west side of the state to the east side, and the terrain changes dramatically as you travel.

The view from home

Snoqualmie Pass in April

Crossing the Columbia River at Vantage

Eastern Washington - look at those clouds!

 It was lovely to see David, and take him out to eat some good food...

Sushi & Sashimi for three of us to share

He and Gregg went golfing with our cousin, Kim while I did homework at the hotel. Afterward, we all gathered at Kim & Mary's house for dinner.

Kim & Gregg are like brothers. It's fun to get together and hear stories of the days when they were growing up.

We enjoyed walking on campus with David and seeing the beautiful Catholic symbols and art.

Detail on a stairway railing

This statue needs no explanation.

There is new grotto on campus, which is dedicated to Mother Mary, in memory of a beloved priest (Father Tony).

They have candles and lighting sticks available for anyone to use.

I lit a candle; there is such comfort in this simple act of prayerful intention.

We took walks through downtown Spokane, marveling at the power of the waterfalls on the river.

Rainbow, faintly visible on the left, by the bridge

A beautiful, renewable resource - spring snowmelt!

The Brews Bros. coffee shop gave me a pink lid for my coffee cup - a simple addition which made my morning java special.

It's good to get away and get a fresh perspective on things...but it's always wonderful to come home again.

I'm Over There

...at Abundant Living After Catastrophe. 
Please come for a visit!

Spring Break 2013

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts on Katie's 18th birthday. They brought more comfort to my heart than words can express. We had as good a day as possible, under the circumstances. We went to one of her favorite restaurants for dinner, and looked at old photos of happy times together.

Beautiful iris sent by Elizabeth A. - thank you!

 To those of you who visited her bench and sent photos, a million thanks.

The Meek kids stopped by with Angela on their way to school

Grandma Icel & Bev visited

Maribeth & David with me on Katie's birthday

We went away a few days afterward to see my parents. My dad just turned 86, so we celebrated with him - Happy Birthday, Kappa! 

Unfortunately, my mom wasn't feeling well, so the celebrations were low-key, and there aren't any good group photos. Fortunately, she is now feeling much better - hooray for antibiotics, when needed!

Playing cribbage at the condo before dinner

I love the exuberant joy in these pics

Cannonball!

Airborne