Miracles - Grace

"As a physician, I have seen people, after all other therapy has failed, lifted out of disease and melancholy by the serene effort of prayer. It is the only power in the world that seems to overcome the so-called 'laws of nature;' the occasions on which prayer has dramatically done this have been termed 'miracles.' But a constant, quieter miracle takes place hourly in the hearts of men and women who have discovered that prayer supplies them with a steady flow of sustaining power in their daily lives."
- Alexis Carrel (1873-1944)

This is comforting when you don't get what you asked for, but you get what you needed. That is still a kind of miracle, a kind of grace, and it is enough.

Give-Away Winners!

Elizabeth has announced the winners of the book give-away over at her blog, a moon, worn as if it had been a shell on her original posting. Congratulations to both of the winners!

If you didn't win a book this time, don't give up - there will be another give-away on another blog, which I will announce here soon.

On Your Mark...Pen Ready? GO!

I'm going to be busy signing books this week - I just found out that I need to SIGN ALL 50 of the books that Suzanne is going to sell at Liberty Bay Books! What a riot - and what fun. No one has ever asked for my autograph before...except on a check.

In other news, I have written a guest posting for our friend, Caron who blogs at Everything Coastal. It will appear on her blog around mid-week, and I'll let you know when it's up.

If you like the beach, beach-style decor, Coastal Living Magazine and things of that nature, you will love Caron's blog and her store, Caron's Beach House. Caron used to have a wonderful store here in Poulsbo across from Liberty Bay Books, but alas, she moved to the Bay Area. The good news is that now everyone can shop at her online store, so our loss is your gain - lucky you!

Maybe I'll watch reruns of Downton Abbey while I sign books, and pretend I lived back then - upstairs, that is! That's my new favorite TV show.

A Give-Away

My friend Elizabeth, the beautiful writer of the blog
"A Moon, Worn as if it Had Been a Shell"
is hosting a give-away of two signed copies of my book.
Elizabeth has also posted her review of the book. If you would like a chance to win one, hop over to her blog (you can use the link above) and leave a comment on the posting. The winners will be chosen next week.

Good luck and blessings to you, and
Thank you, Elizabeth!

My Bad

I have just done something so obviously awful that I have to write about it here.

I received a beautiful meditation today from Pema Chodron, the Buddhist teacher. I receive them via email now and then. I signed up for them because I love her writings, and today's topic just hit the nail on the head with me and one of my friends, so I forwarded it to my friend, along with a very sarcastic comment, to the effect of "Oh, bleep her and all of her Buddhist bleep! I'm just kidding. But what about the timing of all of these reminders? It seems as if Someone is listening to our prayers..."

What  I meant was that the message was so timely that it felt like an answer to prayer.

But I accidentally sent it back to Pema Chodron, instead of to my friend.

I followed this up with my most sincere apologies, explanation of the context, admiration of Pema Chodron and her work...but I think I just stepped into a pile of crap.

Sarcasm is funny, but it can get you into trouble.

I guess I won't be asking Ms. Chodron to endorse my book.

Bon Appetit!

Gregg doesn't like to go out for dinner on Valentine's Day - he thinks it's too crowded, and I tend to agree with him. Because of this, we went out for dinner on Friday night. We split a bottle of wine, took our time, talked, toasted the publication of my book, and toasted our relationship.

Gregg at dinner on Friday night

When we go out on a date, before we take our first sip of whatever beverage we have, Gregg nearly always raises a glass, looks into my eyes, and says, "To us." It has happened so many times that it seems "normal"...but to me, it is a very special kind of blessing, or prayer, that he is saying. It never gets old.

Because Gregg didn't want to go out on Valentine's Day, and has been so busy at work (working through lunch and putting in overtime), I decided to make a new dish last night, so that we could eat at home and still feel the special quality of the day. I prepared it, put it in the oven, and we went out for a brisk walk in the fading light. The sky was blue, the clouds were tinged with pink from the setting sun, and the pink light was reflected on the surface of the water.

I am not a great cook, but I do like to create things. Improvisation in the kitchen is always risky, but it is also a necessity, for me, because I rarely find a recipe that includes just what I have in mind - or what I have in the larder. Improvising is great fun, but it can go awry - and it has in my kitchen, in the past. However, it went well yesterday.

I made seafood quiche in a puff-pastry crust. Gregg made a salad, and we each had a glass of wine with our dinner. We gave each other Valentine cards, and spent the evening together. It was lovely. No great expense, no flashy business, no huge expectations, no disappointments. Just two people who are still grateful and happy to have found one another in this big world, enjoying each other's company. It was just right for us.

I can't give you an exact recipe for the quiche, because I took three recipes and made it up from there, but if you like to improvise, here are the links which I consulted, before merging aspects of them together:
http://www.puffpastry.com/recipe/26109/rustic-spinach-pie
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/English-Quiche-Lorraine/Detail.aspx?prop31=2
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Crab-Quiche-I/Detail.aspx?prop31=5

I had some fondue cheese, grated (emmenthal and gruyere) and a bit of cream cheese, so I used that. They added just the right flavor. Here is my best estimate of what I did:

Crab & Cod Quiche
One sheet of puff pastry dough, thawed
Four eggs
1 cup of shredded cheese
1/2 cup of cream cheese (approx.)
2 Tbsp. butter
1 tsp. crushed garlic
Trader Joe's fresh mixed chopped veggies (or your own blend)
Fresh peas (out of the shell)
1 cup arugula
salt, pepper, paprika and dry mustard to taste
1/2 cup crab meat, cooked
1 cup cod, cooked

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Lay the puff pastry dough in a lightly-greased pie pan.
Put 2 Tbsp. of butter in a saute pan and melt with garlic. When it bubbles, add the vegetables and saute for 3 minutes, until they are just softened. Add the arugula until wilted (another minute or two). Take off the burner and allow to cool.
Scramble the eggs in a medium-sized bowl; add the dry seasonings.
Add the shredded cheese and blend well. Add the cream cheese and blend.
Add the seafood.
Add the sauteed veggies. Blend gently and thoroughly together.
Pour the mixture into the puff pastry.
Bake at 400 degrees for 40 - 45 minutes (check to be sure crust does not burn).
Remove and let stand for 5 - 10 minutes.

I hope you enjoy this. We ate half of it last night! The puff pastry gives it a lighter finish than a pie crust would, and I appreciated that. If you are not a seafood-lover, you could subsititute your favorite meat or vegetables. As Julia would say, "Bon Appetit!"

A Valentine

Valentine's Day is not just for couples. Love is for everyone, everywhere. It's a noun, it's a verb, and anyone can do it and be it. Love is, to me, the greatest power in the universe.

Kathryn Antyr, otherwise known as Collage Diva, wrote a beautiful posting about love; I encourage you to visit her blog and read it here.
Happy Valentine's Day to each one of you!

a valentine for my husband

When we met

we had no idea

that we were embarking on a journey

we had no idea

where we were going

or

what we would find on this journey

we only knew that we were being led

by love

and we had to take the first step together.

How glad I am that we both said "yes" to that first step -

how grateful 

that every step since

has been taken with you by my side

my best friend,

my partner,

my husband,

my love.

Thank you for

laughter

adventure

support

romance

lessons

grace

peace

and above all,

and through all,

love.

You have my heart.

"BECAUSE of KATIE" is HERE!

My book is now available for sale in my createspace eStore! You may use the link on my sidebar, or simply click this link to order:
Because of Katie

If you would like to buy the book on Amazon, it is available there now via this link. It will also be available in Kindle format soon!

If you would like to buy the book from your local bookseller (such as Poulsbo's own Liberty Bay Books),
it may take a few weeks for the title to become available there.

I'm thrilled that Liberty Bay Books will host a book-signing on Friday, March 2nd at 6:30 P.M. at The Loft Restaurant in Poulsbo, Washington. I will give a brief talk, answer questions and sign books afterward.
If you would like to come early and eat dinner at The Loft, they feature a happy hour and wonderful menu. The book talk and book-signing event will have a no-host bar.
Books will be available for purchase at the event, and afterward at Liberty Bay Books.
Please spread the word, and join us!

Can you hear me screaming and jumping up and down for joy?

A Problem We Don't Have Anymore

Recently, a blog-friend posted about sibling fights. It was a heartfelt story and it ended with a question: what do you do about sibling fights?

The question took me aback, because it's not a problem we have around here anymore. But we did, at one time.

My mother is an only child. She grew up in a household with live-in help, which she did not enjoy. She always wanted siblings. What she got instead was grandmothers and live-in help. Her family's home had three bedrooms for family (my grandparents, my mother and my French great-grandmother, GrandMere) and two bedrooms for staff. The house had a beautiful, graceful, curving staircase with a white, wrought-iron banister, and a hidden back staircase for the help. It had gorgous gardens and an orchard, maintained by the help. When my great-grandmother moved in with my mother's family after she was widowed, she brought her own maid to live with her. I am not kidding.

The three of us kids thought this was hilarious, as much as we thought the need to have a chauffeur because my grandmother was afraid to drive (due to her one attempt at driving leading to a minor accident) was funny. We could hardly fathom the stories my mother told of insisting on being let out of the car a block or so from school, so as not to be observed getting out of the chauffeur-driven Big Car. Funnier still were the stories of my grandparents and other great-grandmother (Granny) taking their live-in help with them to their summer beach cottage - and making the help live in tents. Who needs help at a cottage? Who makes them camp out in tents? Who does that? It was beyond our experience, because we grew up in a much simpler lifestyle. Later in life, we saw more of the world and understood it from my grandparents' point of view (but it is still sort of funny, to me).

Debbie, me & Jim

The point of all of the above is that my mother thought that her three children were much more fortunate than she had been as a child, because we had each other. No matter how much we irritated one another, my brother, sister and I were always reminded that we were terribly lucky just to have siblings, and that we needed to get along with and love each other. It didn't stop us from squabbling and having our differences, even as we grew older, but it made a deep impression on me. I never intended to have an "only child."

David & Katie

When Katie was born, David loved her immediately and naturally. Though they did bicker occasionally,

David & Katie in our old house

it was clear from the start that he was delighted to have her as his sister, and he naturally understood that he was blessed to be her brother. She adored him in return.

He did a fair amount of bossing her, and as they grew, I would encourage her to stand up to him (I am the youngest of three, after all), which she did, in her own way. They had ingenious ways of negotiating deals ("I'll play this much Harry Potter with you if you'll play that many hours of Playmobil with me"). For the most part, though, they preferred one another's company to that of any other playmate. It made me very happy indeed.

Katie & David on the front lawn

David & Katie in Palm Desert

Around 5th  grade (age 10 - 11 years), Katie started to want to spend more time alone in her room. She wanted David to knock before coming in. She even made a sign to remind him, which he pointedly ignored. I remember hearing her shriek at him, "Can't you READ? It says, 'Knock, Please!' " She also screamed, "I.HATE.DAVID!," which used to deeply upset me. I did my best to stop that kind of talk: we don't say "hate;" we don't say "stupid;" there are rules to fighting fair; you can disagree, but you must be nice. And then I would hear myself telling them how lucky they were just to have a sibling...my mother's words.

When my blog friend wrote her post and her open question, I wondered how (or whether) to answer it. I disliked the sibling fighting, and I knew that deep-down, our children loved each other in spite of it. Sometimes they were simply bored, or had an excess of energy. Underneath the squabbling, I could see their mutual enjoyment and affection, and I saw it in action after Katie's cancer diagnosis. David moved his entire life to Seattle in order grant her wish and to support her. He was by her side every single day. When she was dying, she worried about him walking past her room, and finding it empty, and she told him so. He was with her when she died. He is the best brother he could possibly be.

The answer to the blog question is:  our children did fight sometimes, and it always disturbed me. I tried to stop it, if they didn't stop themselves. Gregg tended to let them try to work it out on their own longer than I would have; he would "tune out" their bickering.

I only wish they could still do it.

By now, who knows what their dynamic would be? David is away at university most of the year, and Katie would be a junior in high school. Perhaps most disagreements would be replaced by shared confidences, friends and happiness to be together when they could. Or perhaps they would have grown in different directions. We will never know.

I didn't comment on my friend's blog posting, because my comment would have been longer than her post. I also didn't want to overshadow her simple, perfectly natural parenting question with a tragic, dramatic answer. I don't want to be one who introduces the subject of cancer, dying and death just by showing up! Yet it is part of my life, and it shaped my response, even if that response was only in my head. So I wrote it here, instead.

By the way, I even hesitated to post this here, because I have noticed that some people feel that they have to compare their problems to our bereavement. No matter what their problem is, after discussing it with me, some will add, "Of course, this is nothing compared to what you have been through."  I want you to know that I don't evaluate life that way. When you tell me about your problems, I do not say in my heart, "She has a hangnail, but my daughter died; my  problem is bigger than hers."

Cancer and Katie's death are not the first, greatest, or only things on my mind; they are a part of my life, but not the biggest part. I do write about them a fair amount, because writing is a healthy outlet, and it keeps me from talking about them too much. Cancer and Katie's death do inform my values. However, I have a normal household with bills, pets, dirt, responsibilities, chores, concerns, joys and irritations, just like anyone else. My life and interests are diverse. I exercise; I read about all kinds of things and enjoy art, creativity, music, socializing, great stories and trivia, too.

Sometimes I do think that much is made of small things in this life, particularly by the news media and entertainment industry, but I make much of small things, too, occasionally - so, if you tell me your hardships, please do not assume that I am sitting in judgment of you or comparing your difficulties to mine. That will handicap our friendship. My heart and my capacity for caring are bigger than that.

Panda and the True Value of Camp

You might have noticed a new blog on my sidebar, called Kathryn Panda Bradley. It is a blog about someone I met at Camp Goodtimes West. Everyone on staff has a Camp Name, and that is how they are known by all of the campers and other staff. Panda is the Camp Goodtimes name of Kathryn Bradley.

Photo of Panda by Paul Dudley Photography

She had cancer when she was young, so she first attended Camp Goodtimes as a camper when she was a child. Later, she became a staff member, along with her brother, who is known to all as Loop.
I don't know either Panda or Loop very closely, but I know them from the various times I've volunteered at camp or on Da Boata (by the way, my Camp name is Truffle). Both of them are warm, friendly, humorous, open, kind and likely to be dressed very crazily, as is normal for camp. I recall a brief but meaningful conversation I had with Panda one day last summer.

Panda had a recurrence of cancer, and she has been in treatment. Recently, she moved home on hospice care. My heart has been with her family, as we have walked the hospice path with our own daughter. I just received word that Panda passed away this morning.

Why am I telling you this? Because it made me realize anew that the impact of Camp Goodtimes goes beyond what I understood when our children attended in the summer of 2007. It is much more than a week of fun and craziness which helps children who have cancer (and their siblings) realize what cancer cannot take from them...it goes far beyond that. Camp creates an extended family of people who really and truly care about each camper and staff member, forever. Not just for fun, but in sickness and in health, in remission and in relapse, until death and afterward. I know this, because I have felt this love and caring directed toward our family when Katie died, and I have seen it come alongside other children and their families when they are dying. It's not just about the Goodtimes - though there are plenty of those. It's about caring for people who touch your life briefly, yet touch your heart for all time.

Katie and friends at Camp Goodtimes, 2007

It may be part of the reason why Katie asked us to scatter her ashes there.

To Panda and her family, to Codi and her family, to Gloria and her family, to every Camp Goodtimes camper, staffer and his/her family: you will always be loved and remembered by your Camp Goodtimes family. I am so thankful that we joined that family in June of 2007! Though it means suffering grief alongside other families (like ours) when a staffer or camper passes away, it also means that no one has to suffer alone...and that is worth it. It is also a reason for gratitude, and a good reason to support this camp.

Katie at Camp Goodtimes, 2007

Whether you are a fan of the American Cancer Society or not, giving directly to Camp Goodtimes is more than a good investment; it is a gift that lasts forever in the hearts of children and their families. It creates community, and opportunity for love and happiness when people need it the most. Please consider supporting Camp Goodtimes West - visit this website to find out how you can do it.

And to Panda, Loop and family:  I send love and prayers for comfort in your hearts.