Devote Yourself

"Yours is to live it, not to reveal it." - Helen Luke 

I am reminded of the gift of Mark Nepo's gentle wisdom as I read the piece he has selected for each day of the year in his luminous work, "The Book of Awakening." Today's reading begins with the quote above, from his mentor Helen Luke - some of her last words to him before her passing. As abrupt as this quote sounds upon first reading, Nepo goes on to explain:

"...I've come to understand her last instruction as an invitation to shed any grand purpose, no matter how devoted we may be to what we are doing. She wasn't telling me to stop writing, but to stop striving to be important. She was inviting me to stop recording the poetry of life and to enter the poetry of life.
"This lesson applies to us all. If we devote ourselves to the life at hand, the rest will follow. For life, it seems, reveals itself through those willing to live. Anything else, no matter how beautiful, is just advertising."

This passage struck me deeply. What does it mean to "devote ourselves to the life at hand?" Looking up "devote" and "devotion" tells us that it involves wholehearted giving of oneself and one's resources; the root is in "consecration," - the word's origin is "vow."

It resonated with one of my favorite passages in "Radical Grace" by Richard Rohr. Writing about Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her actions upon receiving the visit from an angel who announces Mary's pregnancy, Rohr says:

"The events themselves will be her guide and teacher. She does not need to figure it out and plan accordingly; the plan will be given by God through life's encounters. Reality is her teacher. That is why she could hear angels.
"Decisive action beyond our fears gives us a sense of our own power and the power of God within us. [Mary] can hold her power comfortably because she knows it is from Beyond."

I held on to this passage when Katie was in the hospital. My prayer practice had been so peaceful and regular, before her illness; once we were uprooted and transplanted from our old life, my practice became prayer-in-action, pray-as-you-go, the prayer of living service. It was the prayer of devotion, wholehearted giving. Now, eight years later, I pray to work and live as wholeheartedly today as I did then, in the midst of the crisis of illness.

Since Katie's passing, I have accepted invitations to serve in places which - eight years ago - were not even on my personal radar: the University of Washington's School of Medicine and Field's End Writer's Community are two examples. Serving on panels, taking classes and teaching classes are fun and rewarding ways to give. Now, I have entered a new field of learning and service: I recently completed the first level of Jikiden Reiki training. Reiki is a spiritual healing practice which is not linked to a religion. It originated in Japan, and it is a way to practice healing prayer, relying upon the power of Universal Life Force, or ki (which is another name for God). I am enjoying the practice enormously.

This is a natural step, after a summer of suffering physical pain, limitation and the medications which masked it. It is also a natural step, considering my attachment to my DVD project as "the" way to help clinicians deal with their grief and pain. In releasing my grip on that project, I can now see other ways to serve. Reiki is practiced in medical centers and has unlimited potential. Its Gokai, or five principles, are:
Just for today -
Do not be angry
Do not worry
Be grateful
Do your duties 
Be kind to others

In "Do your duties," I hear, "work wholeheartedly,"  or "devote yourself."

Life itself is revealing where I need to go. God provides the inspiration, and the power of His creativity and love, and I follow, as wholeheartedly as possible.

"I Can Do Hard Things"

We had a happy Easter here - David surprised us by coming home for the weekend, and we hosted family for dinner. I hope your weekend was equally happy.

I've recently been blessed by a series of letters from the pastor of Grace Episcopal church on Bainbridge Island; they have enriched the Easter season for me. I have been thinking a lot about the events of Holy Week, and what Jesus' words and actions mean - what they meant for his time, and what they mean for me, in my time. 

In the last 24 hours, many sparks of inspiration have flown. Today, this appeared in one of my devotionals:

" 'Do not be afraid.'

"These words were spoken to the shepherds at the beginning of Jesus' life, and they are spoken to the women at the tomb, first by the angel and then by Jesus himself. Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid of life in all its beauty and all its messiness; do not be afraid of death in all its many disguises - perhaps the death of a beloved friend or family member, the death of a dream or the overwhelming deaths that come as a result of disaster or war. We live in a Good Friday world, and yet we proclaim that God's love is bigger than any grim, bleak, terrible thing the Good Friday world can throw at us. The diagnosis, the heartbreak, the tornado, even the funeral, is not the last word.

"Fill us with the hope, courage and faith of Easter." -  Jeanne Lischer, A Daily Spiritual Seed

And from Richard Rohr: 

"Seek joy in God and peace within yourself; seek to rest in the good, the true, and the beautiful. It will be the only resting place that will also allow you to hear and bear the darkness."

Last night, on the PBS series, "Call the Midwife,"  an accident resulted the death of a young man, and as the characters grappled with their grief, I caught this line - perhaps I'm misquoting it, but the gist was: "God is not in the events, but in the response to them." 

And this morning, at the beginning of yoga class, our instructor read the following excerpt from an article in Sun Magazine. It's part of an interview with author Barbara Kingsolver:

"There’s something I have said so often to my children that now they chant it back to me: 'You can do hard things.' I sent my kids to a Montessori preschool, and thank heavens I did, because most of what I learned about parenting came from those wonderful Montessori teachers.  They straightened me out about self-esteem.  There’s this myth that self-esteem comes from making everything easy for your children and making sure they never fail.  If they never encounter hardship or conflict, the logic goes, they’ll never feel bad about themselves. Well, that’s ridiculous.  That’s not even a human life.

"Kids learn self-esteem from mastering difficult tasks.  It’s as simple as that. The Montessori teachers told me to put my two-year-old on a stool and give her the bread, give her the peanut butter, give her the knife — a blunt knife — and let her make that sandwich and get peanut butter all over the place, because when she’s done, she’ll feel like a million bucks.  I thought that was brilliant...When a task was difficult, that’s when I would tell them, 'You can do hard things.'  Both of them have told me they still say to themselves, 'I can do hard things.'  It helps them feel good about who they are, not just after they’ve finished, but while they’re engaged in the process."

All of these words of wisdom help to remind me that life is not "wrong" when hard things happen. Hard things are a natural part of life, and as we rise to meet them, we grow; we grow stronger and more flexible, more mature and useful. 

The greatest growth in my life has come from the hardest things. This does not necessarily mean that I enjoy the difficulties, but as my yoga teacher reminded us, we can show up, and practice - gently, willingly, courageously (and sometimes humorously) do our best.

And then, tonight, I saw this.

This article (and video) took me back to the Easter love of God, of Jesus.

Yes, we can do hard things.

The Key to Happiness

I came across a posting on facebook yesterday that made me laugh out loud, long and hard. This is what I saw:

Pardon the profanity, please.

Boy, I thought, if it were only that easy! But how can you tell the *ssholes from the "normal" people - the good ones, the healthy ones, the trustworthy ones? I seem to get into the most trouble when I trust people who appear to be trustworthy, but later find that they are not who they appeared to be. Some of them behave like *ssholes, and I do indeed wish that I had stayed "the h*ll away from" them.

As I thought further about this, I realized that it isn't quite the Christian perspective on the key to happiness - and I am a Christian, so I need to contemplate this. 

Jesus went out of his way to interact with those on the margins of society - I'll call them outcasts - the lepers, the poor, sinners, tax collectors, prostitutes - and, even among his own disciples, betrayers. If I look deeply and honestly, I've got some *sshole in me, too - some leper, some things that aren't so pretty, admirable or desirable.

Richard Rohr posted something about this a few weeks ago, and it came back to me yesterday:

"Isn’t it wonderful news, brothers and sisters, that we come to God not by our perfection but by our imperfection?...Deep within each of us lives both a leper and a wolf, both of which we are ashamed and afraid of. In Franciscan lore, they are our inner imperfections...If we haven’t been able to kiss many lepers, if we haven’t been able to tame many wolves in the outer world, it’s probably because we haven’t first of all made friends with our own leprosy and the ferocious wolf within each of us. They are always there in some form, waiting to be tamed and needing to be forgiven." - Richard Rohr, adapted from Radical Grace: Daily Meditations, p. 276

Hello...we can't stay away from *ssholes, because each of us has one, and perhaps, is one - a wolf - in some way, at some time. If we are really honest with ourselves, we can admit this. Though I have suffered my share of betrayals, and I would never intentionally do harm to another, I must admit that I have made mistakes, and am sure I will make many more before I leave this earth. If I am to avoid *ssholes, I would have to avoid my own wolf, and leper, too - and that's not possible. They are part of me. I need to tame and forgive those parts of myself before I can offer that kind of grace to another.

Dang it.

Fr. Rohr posted further: 

"There is a cruciform pattern to reality. Life is filled with contradictions, tragedies, and paradoxes, and to reconcile them you invariably pay a big price...It eventually becomes evident that you’re going to get nailed for any life of real depth or love, because this upsets the world’s agenda of progress. This is not what the world wants, and not what the world understands. Any life of authenticity will lead to its own forms of crucifixion—from others, or, often, leading to various forms of self-denial. [The Gospel of] Mark constantly brings us back to the central importance of suffering. There’s no other way we’re going to break through to the ultimate reality that we call resurrection without going through the mystery of transformation, which is dramatically symbolized by the cross." - Adapted from The Four Gospels

So the cross is a symbol, a "note to self," a billboard, a banner, a memo, a reminder that this is the way life is; suffering is the way humans tend to experience transformation. We are not transformed by surrounding ourselves with a select group of people who will never hurt or disaappoint us (do such people exist?), but by mingling with whoever and whatever crosses the path of our life - including betrayals. Everyone has within him a wolf and a leper (or, if you prefer, an *sshole). You might not see that part of him right away, but you are likely to encounter it in someone. This doesn't necessarily mean you have made a mistake; it may be that this is your learning, your cross, your suffering, your transformative experience - at this time. Dang it!

This has been a lesson of the past 10 months, for me. I have regrets. I have spent a lot of time wishing I had been wiser about who to trust, but I was vulnerable, and did not see clearly. It helps to remember that this is the pattern of the cross - it is not personal; it is universal.

The following prayer in the book "Praying Our Goodbyes" by Joyce Rupp has been of enormous comfort to me recently (p. 114-116), and I hope it will be to you, as well:

"Keep my heart open to loving others and to being loved by them, God. Do not allow me to close off my life because of the scars of this painful rejection. Lead me into peace of heart. Help me to believe in my own goodness, so much so that I can reach out to others with confidence and receive their affection with trust. I pray for all those who have been brutally and harshly betrayed...and I pray for the one who has rejected me. Jesus, you continued to be a loving person even though you had been so painfully treated. Please help me to be a loving person, too. Amen." 

I believe that kind of prayer is a real key to happiness...but the one posted on facebook did make me laugh!

Think on These Things

"For many years, at great cost, I traveled through many countries, saw the high mountains, the oceans. The only things I did not see were the sparkling dewdrops in the grass just outside my door."  - Rabindranath Tagore

The most recent postings from Fr. Rohr at CAC have been gifts to me. Here, I pass those gifts on to you:

"I think what modern men and women lack is a deep sense of belonging. That sense of belonging is given to you by God from your very birth, and then it is mirrored to you in the natural world—if you are looking and listening. In nature you can overcome your sense of separateness or alienation—and know you are a part of the whole...Franciscan spirituality...is founded on a very positive image of human nature and all of creation, “original blessing” instead of original sin.

"There is a kind of therapy that I’d like to call 'proactive' therapy, in which you don’t try to heal your wounds afterwards. Instead, you rely on your inherent connection with everything and are healed ahead of time into a kind of 'hidden wholeness,' as Thomas Merton called it...you find that it is a good world and you also are inherently good, not because you are independently perfect (you never will be!), but because you belong to the Whole—that is always and deeply good and perfect in its Wholeness (the pleroma, or “fullness” of Colossians 1:19-20)..."

"We all have to be mirrors...not just for nature, but for one another—and especially for those who cannot see the bud of possibility within them, those who hate themselves, those who’ve been abused, those who’ve been imprisoned, those who think they are no good, those who’ve been discriminated against—anyone who feels unworthy in one way or another.

"Those are the ones that we have to positively mirror like Francis mirrored the sow. We must 're-teach all things their loveliness.' That could be your one and only life calling!"

 Fr. Richard Rohr, In the Footsteps of Francis: Awakening to Creation

What a calling that is! It can be done from home, from a hospital bed, a wheelchair, a corporate boardroom, an airplane, the street, a shopping mall, a hiking trail, a courtroom, a retirement home, a pulpit - it can be practiced anywhere.

"Brothers and sisters:
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters,
whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence
and if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received
and heard and seen in me.
Then the God of peace will be with you." - 2 Phil. 4:6-9

Photo: view towards Olympic Mountains and Washington State from Sooke, B.C.

I'm Writing a Book!

Yes, you already knew this, but I'm saying it again, because that is the reason I am not here as much as usual...I'm working on a book, and it's taking most of my energy. Well, the book and the video are...that is, the book, the video, the guild, our family, a fundraising event I'm trying to organize, all of the things around the house and garden that need work...you get the idea.

The other thing that really puts a damper on blogging is when my computer goes haywire, as it did this week. Trackpad issues with a Sony Vaio...when you search this on the web, a long list of links pops up. Hmmmmm...I never thought to check such things when I went to purchase a new laptop at Costco. I only knew that two family members have them and are happy with them.

I love Costco, and I appreciate their extended warranty and the concierge service they provide for all of their electronics, for free. It's much better than being in a telephone "chat" with Sony until 1:30 in the morning, believe me. However, my computer still wasn't working until yesterday, when I gave up on "free" help and called "our computer guy," Craig.

I've never met Craig in person, but he has had control over our computers from afar, and has diagnosed and solved every problem we've managed to throw at him - for me, my brother and his business, my dad and (I think) my sister, as well. He's awesome - and he gets paid to be awesome. Yesterday, I called Craig - which I should have done at the outset of the problem.

What do people do who don't have a Craig in their address book (or smartphone)? I wonder. He got us up and running, so we are nearly all set now - just a backup issue to resolve, and we'll be good to go. My trackpad is working. I can write again! Thank you, Craig!

So the book is written, but it needs to be re-formatted and the photos put into a separate file. That is what I'll be doing in the immediate future. I have a publishing team at CreateSpace helping me. It will be listed on Amazon.com when it's complete - and I hope-hope-hope it will be completed by Christmas. You will hear more about it here.

The remaining video interviews have been scheduled; they are with Katie's heart surgeon, the hospital chaplain with whom I felt the closest, and our hospice nurse. Once those interviews are all completed (the first week of October), we will begin the intensive business of editing the many hours of "gold" that Paul has captured.

The charity event is an auction of the quilts (shown in the recent posting here, and in more detail on Katie's Comforters Guild's blog). I want to share the spotlight with other friends who do good work and offer great products, so am trying to pull together a pre-holiday event to showcase their wares. If this all comes together, you'll be hearing about it here.

Close-up of one of the 3 quilts. Look at that beautiful, antique fabric!

- We have a honey-do list that is not of general interest, but it's big, and my honey-doesn't-do most of the items, so I'll be scheduling some helpers.
- Fr. Rohr is going to Portland to speak, and you can guess where I'm going to be when he does!
- The Ben Towne Foundation event is coming up, at which Gregg and I will appear in a brief video program.

Standing in our closet, trying to decide what to wear to the Ben Towne Foundation event.

You can laugh at me, but I've had to create an XL spreadsheet to keep track of all of these things and their individual steps and stages. It's too much for my menopausal brain to handle without visual backup, on the computer and on paper!

I think that's it. I have very little knowledge of what's going on in the news. We haven't seen a movie (in a theater) in months. Allegra's gift is still not finished (I'm at an impasse with the 3-D aspect of it). 

Sneak preview for Allegra

But I'm happier than I can remember feeling since Katie got sick, and that's something to write about.

Wishing you and yours a happy weekend!

Liger is almost always happy.

Remember to wear your GOLD gear for September!

"Sing joyfully to the LORD all you lands;
serve the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful song.
Know that the LORD is God;
he made us, his we are;
his people, the flock he tends.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
his courts with praise;
Give thanks to him; bless his name.
For he is good:
the LORD, whose kindness endures forever,
and his faithfulness, to all generations." 

- Psalm 100

The Spirituality of the 12 Steps

Somehow, without intending this, I've become an intermittent blogger. This means that when I do get here to write, I have so much to say that it should probably be broken up into several posts. Here is the first one: an excerpt from Fr. Rohr's book about the spirituality of the 12 Steps. The daily devotionals from CAC have recently been excerpted from this book; they are stirring and encouraging.    We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood [God], praying only for knowledge of [God’s] will for us and the power to carry that out. ~ Step Eleven of the Twelve Steps "The word “prayer,” which Bill Wilson rightly juxtaposes with the word “meditation,” is a code word for an entirely different way of processing life. When you “pray,” you are supposed to take off one “thinking cap” and put on another “thinking cap” that will move you from an egocentric perspective—from your own private needs, hurts, angers and memories—to a soul-centric perspective, what Malcolm Gladwell calls “thinking without thinking.” Prayer is not about changing God, but being willing to let God change us, or as Step Eleven says, “praying only for the knowledge of God’s will.” If you are able to switch minds to the mind of Christ, your prayer has already been answered! That new mind knows, understands, accepts, and sees correctly, widely, and wisely. Its prayers are always answered because they are, in fact, the prayers of God too."            Richard Rohr, Breathing Underwater: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps, pp. 93, 94, 95

Gratitude

David at Mas Shamrock, St. Remy, France

You may know that I love to start the day by reading devotionals. I get a cup of coffee, sit on our cozy yellow couch, and open my emailbox to take my time reading three devotionals to which I subscribe, from A Daily Spiritual Seed, www.gratefulness.org, and the Center for Action and Contemplation (you can find links to all of these on the sidebar). The Daily Spiritual Seed site has a link to the USCCB site, which contains daily lectionary readings, in text, video and audio - something for everyone! If you can't read, you can still hear the Word. I love that.

Today's lectionary was perfect for me. In case you are interested, here is the link. It seemed to go so well with the other two. I've been thinking alot about Fr. Rohr's writings in the CAC devotionals of late, because recently they have a lot to do with the difference between the first half of life and the second half of life. Being over 50 myself (52 as of now), I am very much interested in the changes that life has offered. I won't say "the changes that life has forced upon me," because we can refuse to cooperate with change. Refusal will not stop us from changing, but it may distort or twist the changes that occur within us. The CAC devotional from today included the following from Fr. Rohr:

"Usually, without growth being forced on us, few of us go willingly on the spiritual journey. Why would we? The rug has to be pulled out from beneath our game, so we redefine what balance really is. We eventually get a feel for true balance when we fall and rise a number of times. More than anything else, this falling/rising cycle is what moves us into the second half of our own lives...There is a 'necessary suffering' to human life, and if we avoid its cycles we remain immature forever. It can take the form of failed relationships, facing our own shadow self, conflicts and contradictions, disappointments, moral lapses, depression in any number of forms. All of these have the potential to edge us forward in life, or dig in our heels even deeper, producing narcissistic and adolescent responses that everybody can see except ourselves. We either 'fall upward'...or we just keep falling." Yes, I can see my path in his variety of descriptions of "necessary suffering." It is easy to recognize my own errors in many of them. For sure, I carry my gifts in "earthen vessels," just as the scripture says! The suffering that did the most for me in the way of teaching surrender, beyond anything I could have read or studied, was (of course) accompanying Katie (as well as David & Gregg) on her path of suffering. What is necessary now, is to find my way, as some of the grief, sadness, paralysis and depression lift - and they are lifting - as my interest and joy in, and gratitude for, the life which remains takes hold and grows stronger. Where to go? What to do? How to serve? Writing is a big part of this. Advocating, finding my voice and helping others to find theirs, encouraging others, and moving through and beyond the world of cancer are part of this. I don't know what comes next. Finishing the book, working to get it published, completing the video and working to get it delivered and distributed, are all part of it. Being Gregg's wife, and David and Katie's mother is part of it. Being a friend, a child of God, a daughter and community member are all part of it. I think, at this point, the most important practice in my life is gratitude. I was discussing this with Gregg yesterday. It's as if gratitude is my new "religion." In observing and interacting with others, I notice how many people do not seem truly happy. Even after going through the illness and death of our beloved daughter, we are actually pretty happy right now. I wonder about this, when I look around me and see so few people actively enjoying the gifts of their own lives. What is it that overshadows them? Only they know. Being born in the U.S.A., we are already living with many blessings and freedoms, and many difficulties, which are different from our brothers and sisters in other times and places...yet we have in common our humanity. Human life is complex and challenging. We face horrendous issues as a nation and as a world community. Yet, humankind has faced horrendous issues in every age. What is the key to being happy in the presence of difficulties, suffering, terror, uncertainty, hardship, loss? I don't know what it is for others, but for me, the daily practice of gratitude has kept me afloat - literally, kept me from "going under" during the past four - no, five - years of suffering and loss. It is not always easy; I am not always "successful" at being grateful; it is a practice. But as I endeavor to practice noticing and being thankful for the many blessings in our life, I grow happier, and I want to share that happiness with you. Gratitude for any and every little joy and gift, as many as I can detect - gratitude to the giver...and the Giver, blesses me. I pray that reading this will bless you. Abbeye de Senanque, Gordes, France

Birth Pains

" 'All this is only the beginning of the birth pangs.'

~ Matthew 24:8 (Jerusalem Bible)

"Birth pains are an image of something painful that is bringing about something better. The price for bringing about something better is to go through the pain of birth. Male gods create by a flick of their creative finger. Female gods create by labor pains. Patriarchs seem to think that birth pains are unnecessary—at least for them. That’s why we have been able to avoid so much of the Gospel, I am afraid.

"If we had an image of God as a great Mother who is birthing (Romans 8:22), I think birth pains would have been much more understood. A woman who has had a child understands something I will never understand: the necessary connection between pain and life—and she might well know it in the very cells of her body."

Adapted from Radical Grace: Daily Meditations, p. 370, day 383

Reading this devotional from Richard Rohr this morning is comforting me. I have run into a snag or two, as I shepherd the book and video projects along, and at times, I become discouraged.

Things have actually moved so well with both projects that it's been surprising, on the whole. Doors have opened, people have been willing to help, free with supportive comments and input, and generally positive about the entire endeavor. Every time I knock on a door (figuratively speaking), it has either opened, or a "window" nearby has opened, instead. In fact, it's gone so smoothly that I tend to assume that the snags, resistance or moments of difficulty that rarely arise indicate that "something is wrong." Typical of "magical thinking," (Joan Didion's phrase) that everything is supposed to go smoothly all the time.

Look around! That is not even true in nature; why should it be in human life and work? Things do go wrong, and many birth-experiences involve pain. Father Rohr provides this reminder about human birth. Even though it was over 16 years ago that I last gave birth to a baby, I do remember that pain.

David was born via Cesarean section. I was trying to have him "naturally," and resisted all forms of assistance for as long as possible. Big mistake, by the way. After 18 hours of labor (many of them under the effects of pitocin, a labor-inducing drug), and without pain relief, I gave in, and asked for an epidural. That was a smart move...David was born 18 hours after that, by emergency Cesarean section. He had the umbilical cord wrapped three times around his neck. "Natural" childbirth was not physically possible. The pain of the first 18 hours changed my life-perspective. I had not known that such physical pain existed on earth.

David's first photograph

When Katie was born, she was delivered by VBAC - not a Cesarean section. I hear that this is less common nowadays, but 16 years ago, the prevalent thinking was to try to do it as "naturally" as possible.

Katie, moments after she was first handed to me

After our children were born, my sister, who has never given birth, asked me what labor felt like. "Like someone is trying to open your womb with a crowbar - from the inside," I remember telling her.

I'm thankful for this reminder that some of the best things in life require us to endure pain so they can be born. Pain doesn't necessarily mean that we are doing something wrong. There are times when pain does indicate that a change of course is in order; for example, touching a hot stove and feeling the burn is a clear signal to step back. Pain can be a reminder to open one's heart for directions, in case a change of course is needed, but "pain" doesn't automatically signal "mistake." Perhaps it signals, "Listen;" perhaps it is a reminder to pause, rest or to re-commit what we are doing to God, to whom everything belongs.

"Jesus said to his Apostles:
'...whoever does not take up his cross
and follow after me is not worthy of me.
Whoever finds his life will lose it,
and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

“Whoever receives you receives me,
and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me.' " - Matthew 10

Profound Words

Richard Rohr has done it again. He has summed up my experience with his writing, this time about what he calls the “Maternal Face of God.”

“Sara Ruddick in her book Maternal Thinking: Toward a Politics of Peace speaks of the attentive love of a mother.  In summary, Ruddick says mothers are characterized by attentive love.  They have to keep watching this new life; they have to keep listening and adjusting to the needs of the child.  It is necessary to recognize a new agenda with the growth of the child.  If the mother cannot transform herself into attentive love, she quite simply cannot be a mother.  She has to learn early on that life is about change, not about theological absolutes.  All growth is about changing and adjusting to what is needed at this moment by this child.  The mother cannot run to abstract truths.  She has to deal with this child, these tears, and this present moment with this child.

“The feminine face of God is helping us see God as Mother God.  Then we will be able to love and trust God in the maternal AND masculine forms.  Who would not love back such an attentively loving God?” -Adapted from The Maternal Face of God(available as part of On Transformation: Collected Talks, Volume 1 (CD))

That learning did not come naturally, to me. Coming from generations of people who had been raised by nannies, I wonder if that maternal wiring was short-circuited in some of us. In addition to that, the Christian Science way of attempting to live in “theological absolutes,” and to impose them on our individual lives, created difficulty for me as a young mother. Healing and wholeness (in C.S.) was thought to be found in those "abstract truths," and yet, in order to respond to my children, I had to learn to put maternal attentiveness before those abstracts. That transition didn’t happen overnight, but the more I was transformed into "attentive love," the happier I was as a mother, and the more easily our life flowed as a family.

I think that perhaps modern life has taught women that if we give ourselves to our family in a full and attentive way, we will lose touch with our selves, and our identity. This is not true. Giving unselfish love is not a loss. It is a sacred practice of presence - a kind of meditation. There is nothing more important than what is going on right here, right now. Where you are needed, you are called. Allowing myself to be totally given led me to my deeper self, not away from it.

Attentive love was absolutely necessary for survival in the hospital, and afterward. In fact, it may have been one of the most important gifts that I had with me. Katie’s cancer journey accelerated and deepened my maternal attentiveness - and somehow, that deepened my connection to God, and to myself, as well.

"Jesus said to his disciples:

'As the Father loves me, so I also love you.

Remain in my love.

If you keep my commandments, you will remain in my love,

just as I have kept my Father’s commandments

and remain in his love.

I have told you this so that my joy might be in you

and your joy might be complete.

This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.

No one has greater love than this,

to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

You are my friends if you do what I command you.

I no longer call you slaves,

because a slave does not know what his master is doing.

I have called you friends,

because I have told you everything I have heard from my Father.

It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you

and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain,

so that whatever you ask the Father in my name he may give you.

This I command you: love one another.' ” -John 15:9-17

"No Love is Lost in the Universe"

"The suffering of Jesus shows us that God is not distanced from humanity’s trials. Our Creator does not heal our suffering from afar but participates with us in it. In fact, the great revelation signified in Jesus is not only that God participates in our suffering, but also that our suffering has life-giving elements for the evolution of humanity, or what I call 'Christ consciousness' (Ephesians 4:23-24).

"The primary story line of history has been one of 'redemptive violence'; the killing of others would supposedly save and protect us. Jesus introduced and lived a new story line of 'redemptive suffering'; our suffering for others and for the world makes a difference in the greater scheme. No love is lost in the universe, but it is building up and helping to create the eternal Christ consciousness." - Richard Rohr, On the Threshold of Transformation: Daily Meditations for Men, p. 351

This is comforting, to me. I can see how it is true, how it is working in my life, since living in the hospital and walking the cancer journey with Katie, and the grief journey since then.

Where I have been deeply wounded, compassion arises for others. Where I have suffered most, I am growing to be more loving - and better able to bear with the suffering of others. Not that this doesn't hurt - it does. Yet endurance develops from suffering, and in this world, we need endurance - and patience, love and compassion - in order to refuse bitterness, and to be able to participate in healing, and growing in love.

Growing in love is a multi-faceted thing. Growing in love with Gregg means much more than romance, more than simply finding new delights in his character and his being (although that is part of it - a fun part). Growing in love also means bearing with his grief, with the suffering that his grief process brings to him. It means patience when we grieve completely differently; waiting, with hope that our life together will be re-formed to include joy and beauty in its own time, in its own way, and not demanding that it happen right now. Growing in love with Gregg, with David, with the world, and with God means practicing acceptance of things that I don't want, in ways that I don't want them to be - because I am not in charge. It means that my love expands to embrace this life, even though there are times when I can hardly recognize what has become of the life we once enjoyed.

Love is more than "what I like," "what I enjoy," "what I receive," and "what I feel." It is a power, a gift that each of us possesses. It has more potential to transform the world for good than I ever dreamed existed, and God has given this power to each of his creatures, human and animal. Love is the only thing that I have ever been naturally good at, and, yet - I continue to learn how little I know about it and its infinite potential.
 
If we led with love when we did anything - everything - what kind of world could this be? Perhaps this is one way that the Creator invites our participation in His process of creation - inviting us to grow in love with it.

"No love lost in the universe" also means that our love for Katie (and for all those who have gone before) is not lost or broken - it is still working its beauty and magic, unlimited by time, space or death.

To Find God & Grace Inside the Wounds

"You will be wounded. Your work is to find God and grace inside the wounds. This is why Jesus told Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side” (John 20:27). Thomas was trying to resolve the situation mentally, as men usually do, so Jesus had to force direct physical contact with human pain—the pain of Jesus, Thomas’ capacity for empathy with that pain, and very likely with Thomas’ own denied pain. Deep healing has to happen corporeally and emotionally, and not just abstractly.

"Jesus wanted Thomas to face and feel in his body the tragedy of it all—and then know it was not tragedy at all! In that order. That is how wounds become sacred wounds. This is the pattern of all authentic conversion in the Christian economy of grace: not around, not under, not over, but through the wound we are healed and saved."  - Richard Rohr, from On the Threshold of Transformation: Daily Meditations for Men, p. 256, day 247 (Used with permission of Loyola Press)

Thank you for your encouraging words yesterday.

I was supposed to have an appointment in the city, but it was cancelled, so I stayed at home. After a while, I decided to give up the struggle to get anything of substance done, and decided to just allow myself to be sad, to grieve. It's been a while since I had a day when I felt as if I was sliding downhill, and I could tell that nothing was going to work. I exercised, ate, read, prayed, but I was still sliding backward faster than I could walk forward out of it. I thought, The only thing to do is sew blankets for the hospital, so I set up my sewing area. And then, I couldn't even sew.

It dawned on me that I needed two things: a hot bath and a good book. So that's what I gave to myself, in that order. I took a long, hot, scented bath. I gave my feet some needed attention. And then I sat on the couch and read The Pioneer Woman's "From Black Heels To Tractor Wheels," from cover to cover, which I had purchased as a gift for my mother. Go ahead and laugh if you want to. It helped. I took a day of rest - a sick day - and allowed myself to be simply be sad. I was as gentle as I could be with myself, as if I was sick - because I was; I was sick with grief.

Today, I got up and read this quote from Father Rohr, and I know he is right. To fight grief is to push it away, and it won't go away. To face it and feel it, to allow yourself to go through it, like the labor that takes over your body when a baby needs to come out and be born, seems to be the only way to find God and grace in the midst of the sorrow. It seems to be the only way through it, so as not to get stuck in it. It may be counter-intuitive, to believe that going into it will allow you to move through and out of it, but I don't see any other way.

I think I am nearly ready to write a letter to her family now.

"In my distress I called upon the Lord, and he heard my voice.

I love you, O LORD, my strength...
The breakers of death surged round about me,
the destroying floods overwhelmed me;
The cords of the nether world enmeshed me,
the snares of death overtook me.
In my distress I called upon the Lord, and he heard my voice.
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry to him reached his ears." - Psalm 18

Perfection or Goodness?

I grew up in a culture of perfectionism - that is the way it was for my family in Christian Science. When Scripture says (in the first chapter of Genesis) that "God saw everything that He made, and it was very good," Christian Science (C.S.) takes that to mean perfection. And in the C.S. line of reasoning, anything that isn't perfect was not created by God. Oh, dear. This creates a tendency to intolerance, and to "throwing the baby out with the bathwater." I developed a perfectionism and self-criticism that I am still working to release, and I applied it to my character, my figure, my art and work, relationships and my environment.

It is extremely hard on people if you expect them to be perfect, because - though we are very good - no one is perfect. A perfectionist culture can lead to extremism, intolerance and cruelty, even in families - and certainly, in world events. Even cleaning house can become stressful, if you are striving for perfection; pet fur, falling leaves, pine needles and dust will always create imperfection on your newly washed & vaccummed surfaces.

What a relief it was to me to discover Richard Rohr's writings! They make sense of the world in which I live, and of my own imperfection. They show me that I am loved without conditions, in my present state of imperfection. I am (and you are, & they are) beloved as I am right now, in this place. Today's email from the Center for Action and Contemplation reads:

"We grow spiritually much more by doing it wrong than by doing it right. That might just be the central message of how spiritual growth happens; yet nothing in us wants to believe it….

"If there is such a thing as human perfection, it seems to emerge precisely from how we handle the imperfection that is everywhere, especially our own. What a clever place for God to hide holiness, so that only the humble and earnest will find it! A “perfect” person ends up being one who can consciously forgive and include imperfection rather than one who thinks he or she is totally above and beyond imperfection.

"It becomes sort of obvious once you say it out loud. In fact, I would say that the demand for the perfect is the greatest enemy of the good. Perfection is a mathematical or divine concept, goodness is a beautiful human concept that includes us all."  - From Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life

This week, I found (through a friend's recommendation - thank you, Diane!) a blog that has beautiful resonance with me and with this enjoyment of goodness over perfection. There is a link on my sidebar now, and it's called "This Beautiful Wound." Several of her postings were so great that I commented right away. The first one, back in the archives, speaks of her journey - and it describes mine, too, in a clear and simple, yet profound way. If you are on a spiritual journey that includes great loss (and it seems that most of them do), I encourage you to visit Mirabai's blog.
 
As I clean the house today, in anticipation of hosting my parents (they're home!) and Gregg's parents for dinner tonight, I am striving for goodness over perfection. I hope you will have a good day, too, knowing that you are beloved exactly as you are.

"The LORD is gracious and merciful,

slow to anger and of great kindness.

The LORD is good to all

and compassionate toward all his works.

The LORD is faithful in all his words

and holy in all his works.

The LORD lifts up all who are falling

and raises up all who are bowed down.

The LORD is just in all his ways

and holy in all his works.

The LORD is near to all who call upon him,

to all who call upon him in truth." - Psalm 145

Metanoia

What do you believe about the Ten Commandments? What do they really mean?

I remember being a college student, and seeing (what I thought was) Commandments being broken all around me. I was concerned about temptation, and whether or not I was strong enough to resist it, and "keep" the Commandments as a good Christian girl should do. It was very confusing to me, all of the power of passion and youthful energy, and the pull to do the "wrong" things. How could one keep one's head in the midst of youthful freedom and temptation?

One day, I don't know exactly when, it occurred to me that the Commandments were not threats. If God is Love (a foundational truth stated in the Bible), what did Love have to do with the Commandments? How could I possibly obey them out of fear? How would fear inoculate me against wrongdoing? It didn't make sense.

Then the idea dawned that the Commandments were a loving provision - wise and loving counsel - from God, who saw the larger picture, the "wider canvas." God saw what harm came from doing these prohibited things, and He wanted us to live in Love, as loving creatures. To do His will meant to refrain from behavior that was unloving and which would result in harm, to others and to myself. That changed the Commandments for me. It made keeping them much less an act of fear, and much more an act of loyalty and love. I am not saying that I don't sin; I'm saying that I don't live in fear of God's wrath. I am in awe of His Love.

Ps 23:1-3a, 4, 5, 6. R. (1) The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I shall want.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
In verdant pastures he gives me repose;
Beside restful waters he leads me;
he refreshes my soul.

Even though I walk in the dark valley
I fear no evil; for you are at my side
With your rod and your staff
that give me courage.

You spread the table before me
in the sight of my foes;
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Only goodness and kindness follow me
all the days of my life;
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
for years to come.

Here is an example of the truth of the Scriptures being tested and proved true in our lives. I could take this psalm, line by line, and tell you how it is true. It is not necessarily the way I saw it, when I prayed it before going to sleep at night as a young girl, but it still rings true.

• I grew up by beautiful waters that did (and still do) refresh my soul.
• I have walked through dark valleys with Him at my side. Though I did fear, He brought comfort to my heart. In many instances, that comfort arrived through the kindness of people around me. We were given courage to do what we had to do, all the way through.
• A table was indeed spread before us, right in the sight of our foes (cancer and death). We ate, slept, worked and walked in the presence of that enemy. Yet we had a table, a place to sleep, food to eat, medications to use to attempt to foil the enemy. Love, prayer, support, grace, presence, helping hands, and the best medical skills in the world overflowed our cup.
• Goodness and kindness have followed us on this path. We all do still dwell in the house of the Lord - is not everywhere His house, His building, His creation? Katie is still in Him, though I cannot see her or hold her, and I wish she was HERE. Is it true that "there is nothing I shall want?" That is a hard one; I want Katie.

This scripture passage is still true, as far as I can see...however, because my circumstances have changed, in all honesty, I must look at it anew. To borrow from my friend Robin's blog, called "Metanoia:"

Metanoia is a Greek word with a more expansive definition than its frequent translation as "repentance" ~ its meaning incorporates the idea of a turn in direction, a change of heart.

The definition also includes "to change one's mind, or purpose."

After such metanoia in our lives, things are going to look different. Pretty much everything looks different. Many things look more meaningful, and many, less important. Getting my way means very little; finding the larger (God's) purpose is paramount. When you have seen the life you loved swept away before your eyes - your so-called security, your plans, your hopes and assumptions, your children's childhood, their future, your youth, your child's life - things become simple. Maribeth used to say this often, after her first cancer experience: "It doesn't matter; it's just so simple." I didn't get it then, but I do now.

If you lost everything you counted on today, what would you have left? Who would you be without the life you had planned? Who are we, really, without all of our stuff and business?

This is what Father Rohr has to say about it:

I believe that God gives us our “soul,” our deepest identity, our true self, our unique blueprint. Our unique little bit of heaven is installed by the Manufacturer within the product, at the beginning! We are given a span of years to discover it, to choose it, and to live our own destiny to the full. If we do not, our true self will never be offered again, in our own unique form.

Our soul’s discovery is utterly crucial, momentous, and of pressing importance for each of us and for the world. We do not “make” or “create” our souls, we just “grow” them up. We are the clumsy stewards of our own souls.

We are charged to awaken, and much of the work of spirituality is learning how to stay out of the way of this rather natural growing and awakening. We need to unlearn a lot, it seems, to get back to that foundational life which is “hidden in God” (Colossians 3:3). Yes, transformation is often more about unlearning than learning, which is why the religious traditions call it “conversion” or “repentance.”
From Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life

Perhaps metanoia is not about building our life, not about creating our own reality, not about religion at all, but about choosing to cooperate with God when the events of life give us opportunities to see - and to live from that seeing - in a new way.

Camp Goodtimes West Week

Katie getting a rainbow hairdo at the carnival at Camp Goodtimes West (front page of the Vashon-Maury Island newspaper), 2007

This week was the June camp for Camp Goodtimes West. It began on Sunday, with parents dropping their children off for 6 days of fun, and it ended today, when parents arrived to take their children home again.

Gregg & I were once walking in those parents' shoes.

I went back to camp on Sunday to help with registration and check-in. I met parents and children, whose lives have all been touched by pediatric cancer, as ours have. It was a joyful and powerful experience, to welcome them and their children to what I know has the potential to be a life-changing week of fellowship, friendship, joy, understanding and just pure fun.

It seemed perfect that on that day, this was the devotional reading in Radical Grace, written by Richard Rohr:

"Live in This Moment

"Allow the Lord, by his love and grace, to let you live in this moment. Right now. This moment is as perfect as it can be. And God's call, the needs of the world, will make itself very apparent. Just respond to the need that presents itself right in front of you, today, tomorrow.

"I think many parents become very good and holy people because children literally demand love. You can't legislate the times in which they can make demands on you. They literally pull life and death out of you and call you forth into a now that you would never have chosen or recognized as Christ."

Katie dressed for the dance, Camp Goodtimes West, 2007

I love to support charities, like Camp Goodtimes West, that have helped our family on this journey, but sometimes, it's difficult to know how much to offer to do. There is always the danger of ripping open the wound, of having a grief breakdown, or an "episode" triggered by some buried memory.

This week, the American Cancer Society's staff, and Camp Goodtimes West's staff was gracious enough to allow me to help in small ways that weren't too much for me. Set-up on Friday (with Gregg and David's help), camper registration on Sunday, the Argosy-donated cruise on Tuesday (also known as "DA BOATA"), and yesterday, when a surprise was planned for the dance and last night of camp - I got to be part of all of it. It was a gift to me.

Friday, when we helped with set-up and scattered Katie's ashes, we were surrounded by kindness, compassion, and fellowship. The people at camp who knew Katie and David were very tender and respectful of us. (Though in this photo, all you can see is the staff's high spirits)

Sunday, it was such a treat to be able to tell the children as they checked in, "You're going to have a BLAST!" and to know that it was true.

Katie at Camp in 2007

To be able to encourage the newcomers and their parents that it was going to be more than "okay" - it was going to be a wonderful week. To hear the music playing, and see the counselors and staff in crazy costumes, welcoming each and every camper individually, made me very happy.

"The Gauntlet," where each camper is welcomed.

Tuesday, volunteering on DA BOATA to help decorate, set up the arts and crafts tables, and clean up after it was over, was pure pleasure. To see the children dancing, singing, coloring, eating, "driving the boat," laughing and smiling was a gift to me.

Katie & her cabin at DA BOATA, 2007

When we pulled into Seattle for a stop at Red Robin, a crowd of camp friends was on the deck to throw French fries at us.

Red Robin from the deck of DA BOATA, 2009

The Red Robin Mascot and the Seattle Mariner's Moose joined in the fun. We sang songs to the crowd. A "Cancer Sucks" banner was placed on Red Robin's deck - because it had been declared "National Cancer Sucks Day" by Mooselips...

(pictured here as court jester in 2007)

...(the camp Master of Ceremonies, who was in Captain Jack Sparrow costume on Da Boata). As we sailed out of Elliott Bay, the Seattle Fire Department sent a fireboat out to put on a show for us.

We docked on Blake Island for fun and games, and then took the children & staff back to Vashon Island. Imagine what this is like for children who are living with cancer - either in active treatment, in remission, or in a sibling's life. What a respite!

Katie on DA BOATA, 2007

I'm still smiling as I type this. Argosy Cruises donates this gift every year for Camp Goodtimes West. I love the fact that David works for such a wonderful company in the summertime!

David at camp, 2007

Yesterday, I had the privilege of going back to camp for the final night's dance party and slideshow. A special group came to make a fabulous set for the dance, and I got to help them. The kids and staff dressed up - the staff in crazy "prom" dresses and Value Village-type of get-ups, the kids in their own clothes. I can't do justice to the set design by describing it, but I will post links to photos or video, if I'm able. There was a mermaid on stage, wearing a dress decked in cupcakes, a mirror-ball, a ship with a sail made of photos of all of the campers, and much more. Thanks to Melinda Morrison, and to Kelley Moore and her team for making a miracle happen.

One of the great blessings of this week was seeing for myself more of what Katie and David experienced at camp, by seeing other children experiencing it. It was pure magic - the magic of a vision of love and caring, translated into reality.

Spending time at camp this week made me feel even better about carrying out Katie's wish to have her ashes scattered there, because I know that she will be remembered and loved by the people of Camp Goodtimes West. Seeing children and staff playing and cavorting on the shores of the Sound where we scattered her ashes showed me how very deep and true her instinct was, when she asked us to return her there.

Photo credits: Paul Dudley & Camp Goodtimes West staffers