Transformation and Yoga

My sweet parents sent this to me in celebration of Katie's 19th birthday - a symbol of transformation (and resurrection)

One of the greatest gifts I received during the week at Ranch La Puerta was beginning a yoga practice. I was nervous to try it, since I have always had difficulty learning new dance steps and following physical prompts. For example, I took a ballet class in college, and (though I enjoyed the movement) the unsympathetic, rapid-fire teaching style of the instructor left me feeling slow and foolish. I am not uncoordinated, but I learn dictated movement only with great effort and plenty of repetition.

I have heard so many good things about yoga that I pushed through my fear of embarrassment and took a class early in the week. It was challenging without being intimidating; it was difficult, yet gentle. Yoga combines the physical, mental and spiritual in a way that I have never encountered before. I liked it immediately, and went back for more.

Here is a brief sample of a yoga session with Maya, one of the excellent teachers at Rancho La Puerta:

At the Ranch, yoga classes are not progressive. The teachers lead with positions for beginners, and then suggest intermediate and advanced adjustments. If we felt comfortable and stable in a beginning pose, we were invited to deepen it and try the next level - but there was no pressure to do so. One of the instructors liked to suggest such variations with great good humor by saying things like, "And eventually - maybe, someday - you will raise your leg up here...and maybe, someday, out to the side..." I loved the invitations, the lack of judgment, the absence of competition and stress.

One of my decisions in "taking the Ranch home" was a commitment to finding a yoga studio nearby and trying it here. Bainbridge Yoga House is just a few miles from our home, and I've been going to classes there.

Some of the great gifts of yoga come through its teachings - intention, awareness, breathing, acceptance, gentleness, stillness-with-energy, concentration, strength, ease, flexibility, forgiveness and peace. Yesterday, we were invited to "be a fountain, not a drain" - clear imagery imparted with gentle humor.

It is much easier for me to quiet the mind and bring awareness to the present moment while practicing yoga than it is just sitting in meditation. It is easy to smile at myself when - just as I am trying my best to hold a difficult pose - the instructor reminds us to soften the jaw, or to be aware of what our body needs, trust our intuition, adjust a bit, or "engage the bandhas."

Practicing yoga, I notice tenseness, tightness or inflexibility in my body; there are always opportunities to check alignment and make tiny adjustments. Each correction makes a difference, and can bring the feeling of "Ah! That's better." Instead of berating myself for what I can't do, I can recall beginner's mind: we are all beginners, every day, starting fresh, again and again. That's a privilege - a kind of daily forgiveness. The practice of accepting and being gentle with myself, just as I am, helps me to feel gentler toward life and the rest of the world.

Yoga is also transforming me in ways which I did not anticipate. Feeling at home in my body, awareness (and acceptance) of it are things which I did not learn while growing up. Christian Science expends a lot of energy denying the physical senses, so to one coming from that background, body-work is basically a foreign concept. Practicing yoga helps me to connect with myself physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally - all at the same time. I feel stronger, and enjoy what my body can do, while becoming aware of what it cannot (yet) do - and what is possible, with practice. After class, I feel invigorated and accomplished. It is a wonderful way to begin the day, with gratitude, integration and joy.

I'm so thankful that I tried yoga at the Ranch, and can continue here at home.

Sculpture depicting Child's Pose at Rancho La Puerta

Our bodies are indeed temples for the Divine.

Namaste.

Alchemy

"Faith is crumpling and throwing away everything, proposition by proposition, until nothing is left, and then writing a new proposition, your very own, to throw in the teeth of despair." - Mary Jean Irion, Yes, World: A Mosaic of Meditation

This was the message that I received this morning from http://www.gratefulness.org/. It was so interesting to read that I stopped and really listened deeply to what it might be saying. The part I liked best was the phrase, "throw in the teeth of despair." What a great image. But I didn't quite agree with the "throwing away everything." There is much to be learned and gained from the wisdom and experience of the past - from others, and from my own journey.

Instead of throwing it all away, I keep thinking of the word alchemy. I spent a little time looking it up this morning, and learned some fascinating things. First, a brief version of the definition:
"Alchemy, derived from the Arabic word al-kimia (الكيمياء, ALA-LC: al-kīmiyā’), is both a philosophy and an ancient practice focused on the attempt to change base metals into gold, investigating the preparation of the "elixir of longevity", and achieving ultimate wisdom, involving the improvement of the alchemist as well as the making of several substances described as possessing unusual properties."

Second, the way the process is viewed in four (or three) steps in the creation of a magnum opus, or great work:

"Magnum opus...The Great Work; mystic interpretation of its four stages:
nigredo (-putrefactio), blackening (-putrefaction): corruption, dissolution, individuation...
albedo, whitening: purification, burnout of impurity; the moon, female
citrinitas, yellowing: spiritualization, enlightenment; the sun, male;
rubedo, reddening: unification of man with God, unification of the limited with the unlimited.
After the 15th century, many writers tended to compress citrinitas into rubedo and consider only three stages."

I could draw parallels between some of those four stages and what has happened to me in the past few years.

The third thing of significance: "Carl Jung reexamined alchemical symbolism and theory and began to show the inner meaning of alchemical work as a spiritual path." This sounds like the action of the Holy Spirit in cooperation with our spirit:  grace and transformation.

And fourth, the use of alchemy in literature, including the Arthurian legends and even in Harry Potter. The one I recall best is Grimm's Rumpelstiltskin, with the words "spinning straw into gold." And that is how I feel about the experiences of the past four years. The aftermath has left me with a lot of straw, and I am trying to spin it into gold, with God's help and direction. Not literal gold, but something more precious. Katie's Endowment for Cancer Research, Katie's Comforters Guild, speaking, writing, various creative endeavors all have an element of alchemy in them. The alchemy is taking the difficult experiences, and the scars they have left, and allowing the transforming power of God - the Holy Spirit, grace - to turn that "straw into gold," burn the dross away, and leave something of lasting value and beauty.

Alchemy. I like that.

"Through a Glass Darkly"

My friend Elizabeth sent me a link to an article that is so profound, and so deeply what I believe, that I am going to give you a link to it. The article is called, "Through a Glass Darkly" and it is an interview with Miriam Greenspan "On Moving From Grief To Gratitude," by Barbara Platek.

http://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/385/through_a_glass_darkly?page=1

It's long. Please read it when you have time to savor it. If you don't, you will miss the many gems within.

This article/interview is one of the clearest, most reasonable explorations and explanations of why human beings need to allow themselves to do their inner work that I have ever read. I hope it blesses you.

Father Rohr on "Surrender"

I've been saving this quote to share with you since before Thanksgiving. You know how I love Richard Rohr's viewpoint, and how much I refer to him. His writings have been instrumental in my Christian education (since well before Katie became sick), as I was studying them in church classes. They have been, and continue to be, part of my life-raft in the sea of grief.

"Question of the Day:  How am I ready to surrender?

"I believe profoundly in the necessity of surrender, but I don’t think we can chart its course ahead of time. Our own private salvation projects seldom do the job. Surrender is something that is done to us, more than something we do ourselves.

"In Joseph Campbell’s book on the hero’s journey, he says that the only way to be a hero is to prepare and be ready for when the moment comes. You might say that is the point of all spirituality.

"Someone else must determine the timing, the circumstances, the shape of the ordeal. None of us can engineer our own transformation—or it would not be transformation at all, but merely cosmetic surgery to make us 'think well of ourselves.'

"You can’t choose ahead of time which dragon you’ll slay or how you will slay it. It will probably slay you. So just make sure you are well-practiced in dying."
     -Richard Rohr, Adapted from Near Occasions of Grace, p. 112

I am beyond thankful that I was on a spiritual path, years before Katie was diagnosed with cancer. I don't know how I would have survived her illness, the circumstances surrounding it, or her passing, without the years of intentional study and spiritual direction. That is what gave me a framework, strength, community, reference points and eyes to see God's goodness - in the midst of what felt like horrendous evil. It hasn't been easy:  I didn't escape the pain, and this path hasn't removed the pain. Yet having an intentional practice, giving myself to God over the years, has given me something to draw upon - a place to rest - when I am exhausted from the changes and demands of this "new life." My relationship with God endures, and He is Love, a "refuge & strength, a very present help in trouble."

I am thankful for the freedom to receive a spiritual education, and for the education that I received (and am still receiving). It's one of the greatest gifts of my life.

GriefHaven is a group that supports grieving parents through their website, chats, publications, etc. They put out a wonderful monthly newsletter, and they have a DVD ("Portraits of Hope") that helped to give me hope, back in the beginning of this journey. Their current monthly newsletter talks about grief from the perspective of a grief therapist, who also happens to be the mother of a stillborn daughter (born 22 years ago). It's excellent.