"I would almost describe spirituality as a concern for one's being, one's inner motivation and attitude, one's real inner Source, as opposed to any primary concern for one's 'doing.' Doing will always take care of itself when your being is right."
from Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality by Richard Rohr
Things are not getting any easier here. The pain is not lessening; it is getting more raw and dry. Every night when I go to bed, I seem to feel the weight of missing Katie. I don't want to live without her in my life, though I don't want to kill myself. I want to help David grow up, and share what remains of my life with David & Gregg...but to live the rest of my life without Katie's presence is still undesirable, --truly unthinkable.
People say to us that they can't imagine what this is like, and the truth is, neither can we. I can't imagine what this life is going to look like in 5 years, or 10. I don't like bitter people, and I don't want to become one of them, but YHWH, how can I keep my heart open in the face of such searing pain? How can I survive the daily drip, drip, drip of pain wearing away at my heart like water on a stone? What will be left of me?
I can see the "reward eating" creeping up...it used to be that I would have one glass of wine, or a small dessert, but now I'm having a glass or two and something sweet, after dinner. I want to give myself a present, a reward, but eating food that I don't need is not a gift. Thinking about why I am doing it, so that I could stop myself, is so painful that I can see why I do it mindlessly. But I am going to regret it, if I let it go on. I see discomfort and shame peeking their heads up in my mind.
I am feeling restless nowadays. A year ago, the thought of taking a job was incredible, like an insult. I even wrote about how offensive it was to me, that people assumed I would try to "fill the gap" with a JOB. As if a job could fill Katie's place! I did the best I could with the job that was given to me: to be a wife and mother. Being the mother of a critically ill child is a very demanding and fulfilling calling, and I learned to do it...I grew into it, through Your help and the help of Your children. Then my sweet girl passed from this life, leaving me with the skills and work ethic needed to help her, but without her...and with a relatively easy job here at home. Now, although I need the solitude and the peace to rest my weary heart, I am starting to feel vaguely guilty for not helping to bring some income into our home during this crazy financial time. Am I trying to run from the quiet because of the pain, or is this a call from You? Please help me to have the courage to stay with myself, with whatever I am feeling, until You call me and move me. Please help me to hear Your voice, here with me, in the midst of the rushing river of grief. I am feeling as if I could drown in this place.
What Fr. Rohr said in this passage...please help me to "be" with You, aware of Your presence, and to feel You in me, so that what I "do" will be of You, for You, through You, and in You. I don't want to act in fear, avoidance, guilt or denial. I want to serve You. Amen.