A Poem for New Beginnings

Sunrise this morning

At the beginning of our Bloom True workshop, 

Flora read aloud the following poem by John O'Donahue, 

and gave each of us a copy. 

It spoke deeply to my heart.

 

To new beginnings, and work-in-progress

More of this morning's sunrise

Bloedel Reserve's Stroll for Well-Being

You have likely read here about the Stroll for Well-Being at the Bloedel Reserve - how much I enjoyed the pilot program in 2014, how it inspired me to photograph, write and draw from nature, and the peace and healing which I experienced as a result.

Part of the reason I loved this program is expressed by Mark Nepo in his Book of Awakening, in the passage for March 12th (titled "In the Likeness of Everything"):

In truth, we each carry within our own innate makeup, like chromosomes, the minute aspects of everything that forms the Universe. And so, the art of freedom becomes the necessary adventure of grasping the secrets that are everywhere in the open and stirring their aspects within us, in such a way that we come alive: learning from the fish how to surface and dive, from the flower how to open and accept, from the stone how to crack and let the light in, and from the birds that wings are more useful at times than brains.

I'm thrilled to report that I have been invited to be a facilitator of the program, starting next month. The founder of the Stroll for Well-Being at Morikami Museum and Japanese Gardens is Dr. Ruth G. McCaffrey (a professor at Christine E. Lynn College of Nursing, Florida Atlantic University). Dr. McCaffrey facilitated the pilot program for us last year, and it will be a privilege to work alongside her and to learn from all of her experiences.

If you live in the area and are interested in joining the program, please contact Erin Jennings at ejennings@bloedelreserve.org - we'd love to welcome you!

"If a Schmuck Like Me Can Do It..."

In the early seventies a friend kept telling me, “Whatever you do, don’t try to make those feelings go away.” His advice went on: “Anything you can learn about working with your sense of discouragement or your sense of fear or your sense of bewilderment or your sense of feeling inferior or your sense of resentment—anything you can do to work with those things—do it, please, because it will be such an inspiration to other people.” 

That was really good advice. So when I would start to become depressed, I would remember, “Now wait a minute. Maybe I just have to figure out how to rouse myself genuinely, because there are a lot of people suffering like this, and if I can do it, they can do it.” I felt a sense of interconnectedness. “If a schmuck like me can do it, anybody can do it.” That’s what I used to say, that if a miserable person like me—who’s completely caught up in anger and depression and betrayal—if I can do it, then anyone can do it, so I’m going to try.  - The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chödrön (pages 100–101)

I'm grateful that Pema Chodron persevered in this. Her writings have inspired me.

Have you ever thought of your own journey in this way? Has it occurred to you that what you have been through - whatever it is that has been an occasion for your perseverance - might give others hope in their own times of trial or darkness?

A number of bloggers and other writers have provided this kind of inspiration for me. Many of them are featured on my blog's sidebar; some of them have written books which I've shared here. Some have served as a kind of "lifeline" for me in the depths of my grief, or during times of betrayal, or losing sight of the next step in the way forward.

If you are enduring a dark time, I hope you will consider that honoring your own inner journey might just be the way through to the light for you. Write down your feelings, draw them, dance, or walk, or paint, plant a garden, write music - whatever comes to you creatively - do it. You needn't share publicly unless you are moved to do so, but do honor your feelings; don't bury or ignore them. Your journey matters, your life matters, and the fact that you find your way through the darkness to the light (and how you do it) may someday instill hope in someone who has lost sight of how to find their way. Remember Pema's words, "If a schmuck like me can do it, anyone can do it."

My mom sent me this glass dish with butterflies in it in honor of Katie's 20th birthday. I filled it with treasures found on the beach on that day. Do you see the "angel's wing" shell on top?

Isn't that a "heavenly" gift?

Creativity in Healing & Spiritual Growth

Grace Episcopal Church on Bainbridge Island, WA

is hosting a series called

"Spiritual Practice Saturdays."

On December 6, from 9:30am - Noon, 

I'll be leading "Creativity in Healing and Spiritual Growth,"

and you're invited to attend!

Here is the description, from Grace's email:

 "God as Creator has made us creative. Inviting that creativity into our spiritual practice can be daunting, and an authentic pathway into healing and growth. Come spend a morning with us as Karen Gerstenberger, author and speaker, guides us as we write and walk and draw mandalas as spiritual practice. Together, we will playfully and skillfully encourage our 'unencumbered self' to authentic expression - the kind of expression that leads to healing, growth and joy. 

To help us plan, please contact Robin Livingston robin@robinmlivingston.com if you wish to attend."

Awe, Refreshment & Shinrin-Yoka

It’s becoming essential that we learn how to relate sanely with difficult times. The earth seems to be beseeching us to connect with joy and discover our innermost essence. This is the best way that we can benefit others. - Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Our goal should be to...get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted...never treat life casually. To be spiritual is to be amazed. ―Abraham Joshua Heschel

I also remember coming upon a clearing in the woods so densely overgrown that it felt depressing, for nothing seemed capable of getting through. Something in my own makeup resembled this and made me return there several times. But it was finally in winter, without its leaves, that this same clearing undressed itself as a magnificent bed of light that happened to be on the crest of a beautiful hill. It humbled me to realize that winter can be freeing, too, and that I am often overgrown with memories and reasons and twigs of mind that block me from the light. - Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

Slowing down and truly listening to the wind, birdsong, frogs croaking, running water, the sound of our own footsteps, alder leaves susurrating, fir needles whooshing like ocean waves - really hearing whatever is around us - is a gift. The sense of hearing is a gift.

Seeing the wonder of a leaf drifting on the wind, two trees growing together - entwined like passionate lovers - berries sprouting from a decaying log, moss cloaking trunks of maple and roots of upturned cedar, alders dancing, trailing fingers in a pond, ducks diving in duckweed, clouds passing overhead, ripples on water - is a gift. Seeing is a gift.

Caressed by a breeze, temperature changes, heart lifting, pulse rising in the freedom of open spaces, muscles working up and down trails, a slippery boardwalk or the crunch of stone and bark underfoot, smoothness of grass, ripple of roots, soft springiness of moss - is a gift. Feeling is a gift.

The scent of turning leaves, a salty breeze, pungence of skunk cabbage, decaying mushrooms, rain-washed trails, sap-filled pines - is a gift. The sense of smell is a gift.

The Stroll for Well-Being is teaching me that the Japanese healing intervention of Shinrin-yoka, or "walking in the forests to promote health" is effective. Nature's variety of shape, color, scent, function and form remind me that everything, at every stage of life, has its own particular beauty. We are not made to look - or be - the same as others. Each one of us has unique purpose and gifts, revealed as our lives evolve. What might be your gift, in this time and place?

The Bloedel house, viewed from the bluff

"You Never Know How Much Good You Do"

I am a regular reader of Stephanie Nielsen's NieNie Dialogues. Today, I read one of her posts which contained a message that moved me to tears. It takes about 8 minutes to watch; I encourage you to make time to do so, because it will remind you of the value in even the smallest (perhaps invisible) moments of our daily lives.

I am deeply, tearfully thankful that, in spite of all of the difficulties we face (as Americans, and as citizens of the world), we are free in this land to worship as we are led by conscience. I wish this freedom for all who long for it, and especially for those who are persecuted for it.

I am thankful that, though I am not a member of the Mormon church or the Catholic church or a Jewish synogogue or a Muslim mosque, I am free to read, listen and learn from the best of any or all traditions, as I am led, and to be blessed by the goodness in all children of our Heavenly Father/Mother.

Whatever name is natural to us by which to call on Him/Her, if we dare to realize that the River of Love is flowing through all creation, we may see that it flows for everyone, and we can step into it and be blessed together.

I guess you could say that my "religion" is love; Love is what I worship and strive to practice in daily living. That is not to say that I succeed in every way, or every day - far from it. But I am a sister of all who worship God, who is Love.

You may never know whose life you touch today with your smallest, simplest act of kindness. I hope this little video message, eight minutes long, encourages you in love. Thank you, NieNie, for encouraging me!

The Book of Awakening

If you have never read "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo, I suggest you look for it. It is a daybook full of gems. Mark Nepo is a cancer survivor, so when he writes about pain, I know that he knows what he is talking about.

The reading for today included this (emphasis added by me):

"One of the most difficult things for us to accept is that beneath all our dreams and disappointments, we live and breathe in abundance. It is hard when in pain to believe all that we ever need is before us, around us, within us. And yet it is true.
"Like leafless trees waiting for morning, something as great and as constant as the Earth holds us up and turns us ever so slowly toward the light. Our task is only to be rooted and patient.
"...The presence of God has never eliminated pain, only made it more bearable.
"...Time and again, we are asked to outlast what we want and hope for, in order to see what's there. It is enough."

New Discoveries, Day by Day

Use these links to see a sample schedule & events calendar

Every day at the ranch brought new opportunities to take classes of all kinds: fitness, therapeutic, spiritual, intellectual, artistic - and they were spread throughout the 30+ acres among a variety of gyms, pools and lounges. 

Each space was perfectly adapted to its purpose, and fit well within the landscape of live oaks, palm trees, flowering shrubs, lawns, herbs and flowers. 

There were tile pathways, rock walls, patches of shade and sun, pools, gazebos with benches, swings and seats scattered purposely around the ranch.

This statue sits at the entrance to one of the gyms, where I took yoga and stretch classes. Everything at the ranch is designed with an eye for beauty, peace, mindfulness and comfort; there is interest and pleasure for the senses everywhere.

One of the first classes which Mom and I took was to learn to make a prayer arrow, reflecting our intention for the week. Here is a photo (courtesy of the Ranch blog and Kate Anas) of a prayer arrow:

write a goal for yourself or a prayer for someone you know, or it can even be a thank you put out into the universe.  Tim provides all the supplies to make the prayer arrow; a stick or branch, yarn, crystal, feathers, dried herbs and rice paper.  First we picked out two feathers for the end of the arrow.  Then we wrote our intention on the rice paper which we wrapped around the stick.  Then we wrapped the yarn around the entire stick so that you can’t see the rice paper and it also secures the feather to the stick.  When that’s done, you pick whatever dried herbs you want (I picked lavender and sage, each herb has different spiritual properties) and tie that to the stick along with the crystal.  The crystal actually creates energy to give life to your intention. - See more at: http://www.rancholapuerta.com/2012/08/30/creating-a-prayer-arrow/#sthash.e7WfIfCD.dpuf

The arrow is made according to a native custom, with specific materials, each with symbolic meaning (a stick, feathers, yarn, rice paper with your own prayer/intention written on it, fresh herbs, a quartz crystal). The act of making it is peaceful, and sets and carries your intention; it does not matter what you do with the arrow once you have made it. This class was taught by Tim Hinchliffe, the artist who creates the intricate "yarn paintings" which are displayed in many of the ranch buildings. This is one of my favorites:

Note the butterfly motifs - one of many signs from Katie

I spent the days in classes practicing yoga, stretch, tai chi; I experienced crystal bowl therapy and hypnosis, took classes on Mexican history, ranch history, wellness and Pilates. I hiked nearly every day(sometimes twice a day), led by experienced guides.

We spent an evening listening to the founder of the ranch, Deborah Szekely, who is in her 90s and full of lively, witty, good health - living proof of the wisdom of her vision, and her late husband, Edmond's, philosophy.

Modeled on the labyrinth at Chartres Cathedral

I walked the labyrinth in meditation on many days, and the reflexology path once (barefoot). 

Ouch! Those stones on the reflexology path do deep work on bare feet; it is interesting to really feel the sensation of rocks underfoot, laid in different patterns, as you walk on them with your body's full weight.  

I explored the paths throughout the grounds in meditative silence in the afternoons, while mom rested. There was always something lovely to see, smell, feel and hear.

Rancho Tres Estrellas, the 6-acre

Rancho Tres Estrellas, the 6-acre organic farm

Light a Lamp for Someone

“If you light a lamp for someone, it will brighten your own path.” - The Buddha

It has been a long time since I've sat down with my sewing machine and made a quilt. Most of my guild work is made up of the duties of the president:  running errands, ordering supplies, receiving donations, attending to correspondence, communication, dropping off quilts for delivery, answering questions, coordinating activity. I have missed the creative part of simply making quilts for patients, but my skills have been needed elsewhere.

Katie's Comforters Guild receives beautiful gifts of new fabric, and I distribute it to those who make quilts. Some smaller pieces remain, however, and yesterday, I decided to try my hand at free-form sewing to make them into quilt tops. I knew that Lucile (our 90+ year-old guild member who sews nearly a quilt a day) would finish them, if I could turn some of the smaller pieces into larger ones.

Lucile gave me a lesson in how to do this a while ago, and I have been impressed by the fantastic creations which she and others like Bonnie P. and Polly have made with smaller pieces and "scraps" of fabric. While I'm nowhere near their level of expertise (or patience), I was able to make five quilt tops.

Fabric sewed into strips, then cut, turned and sewed back together

You could cut and turn these again to mix it up even more

Pale yellows on either side of deep blue

This has brought me a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction, and is so much fun that I'm finding it hard to stop - there are so many creative possibilities! If you have small pieces of fabric and don't know what to do with them, try sewing them into strips, and then cut the strips, turn them around, and sew them back together. It is easy enough for a beginner (like me), is a good way to use fabrics which don't appear at first to go together, and it is a great experience in simple design for beginning quilters.

Since I am awaiting "the call" to my next adventure (finished with class, putting feelers out for meaningful work, sharing my book, getting the house in order, letting go...), I am in a liminal space. This quote was encouraging, and is one reason why I brought the sewing machine out: 

"Those that be perfect (in union with God) carry always this mind, that when they perceive their labour to be fruitless in one place, to remove straight to another, where more good may be done." - Gregory the Great [6th C.], "Dialogues" "Sometimes we need to let go and move on or we do damage to ourselves and others. Where might this be the case at this time in your life?" - A Daily Spiritual Seed (subscribe HERE)

Since my dreams for the video came to a standstill, I have been seeking the place "where more good may be done." Sewing for patients of the hospital is a good place to do some good; it always brightens my spirits and takes me out of myself. This is a welcome movement for anyone whose life has been turned upside down. Even with the love of friends and family, there is a sense of isolation and "otherness" which tends to lead one's thoughts inward. Doing something for others helps to turn my heart outward.

A beautiful prayer, courtesy of the Center for Action and Contemplation:

"May each of us be so fortunate as to be overtaken by God in the midst of little things. May we each be so blessed as to be finished off by God, swooping down from above or welling up from beneath, to extinguish the illusion of separateness that perpetuates our fears. May we, in having our illusory, separate self slain by God, be born into a new and true awareness of who we really are: one with God forever. May we continue on in this true awareness, seeing in each and every little thing we see the fullness of God’s presence in our lives. May we also be someone in whose presence others are better able to recognize God’s presence in their lives, so that they, too, might know the freedom of the children of God." - James Finley

“The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.” - Anais Nin

As Jackson Browne Says, "I'm Alive"

“LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen.” - Thomas Merton

I have been on a blog-sabbatical, because the year 2012 ended with huge work-related difficulties. Certain events knocked my feet out from under me for a couple of months; I feel as if I'm recovering from a debilitating illness, but have renewed hope that "all shall be well."

David came home safely & happily from his semester in Italy, and is now back at school. During his vacation, we celebrated Christmas with my parents. 

I am deeply thankful that both of my parents are alive and well, at the ages of 80 and 85 years. Not only do we enjoy each other's company, but their love and support means the world to me; they helped me enormously through this difficult time. No matter how old you are, you still need your mom's and dad's love, support, understanding, strength and wisdom!

The impetus to start blogging again came in the form of a newsletter from www.griefHaven.org. I wrote an article for their "Parent Journey" newsletter last summer, and it was recently published; you can read it by clicking on the link below the picture. 

 

The Parent Journey

griefHaven Newsletters

There is always inspiration and support at griefHaven. Susan Whitmore, the founder, understands this journey as no outsider can, because she is on this journey herself; her only daughter, Erika, passed away from cancer as a young adult. Susan is compassionate, sparky, strong, tender, encouraging, intelligent and a good communicator. I am thankful that she was inspired to found griefHaven in Erika’s memory, and to share her wisdom and experience with others.

I am beginning to believe that, no matter how empathetic people are, no matter how caring and compassionate, no matter how well-meaning or how much they think they understand what we are going through, no one understands what this experience is really like unless they have been through it. 

No one else can understand the landscape through which we walk - the vulnerability, the longing, the daily ache of missing our child, the frequent reminders, the life-long series of “no, not ever” and “never-again,” the unseen hazards that lie in wait for us like buried land mines. Panic attacks, PTSD, memory triggers,  the excruciating, debilitating pain of trauma-recall (like a punch to the gut) which we experience in the grocery store, on vacation, while driving a car, listening to the radio, surfing the internet – anytime, anywhere - these are not a part of the average person's daily life. You may work with us or socialize with us, but unless you are one of us, you cannot possibly truly know how we feel, and we hope that you never do, for your sake. 

Because of this, please consider us and our idiosyncrasies with a bit of extra compassion, for you do not know what we are seeing and experiencing. We may be standing right in front of you, yet not present with you at all. Though looking at you, we may have dropped through an invisible trap-door to the past, and be re-living the moment of our child’s diagnosis, or his death in our arms, handling her ashes, or that telephone call – the one which gave us the news which ended our life as we knew it. That phone call which started us on our journey, down the path which no parent wants to take.

Though it may sound morbid, there is comfort in the company of bereaved mothers, comfort which I don't find elsewhere. Of course, there are also those with whom I have nothing in common other than our child's death, and those relationships do not develop. I recently joined a small writing group whose members are bereaved moms, and it is encouraging, stimulating, and fun. I have hope for each one of us as writers, and as women, making our way in the world, each of us carrying (as one of them said) "a brick in her pocket."

I was speaking with another dear friend and fellow-traveler on this road, and we both find that the certainty, clarity and authority which came to us during our child’s illness, and after her death, has faded somewhat over the years, and is not as strong now as it was then. We are both saddened by this additional loss. That clarity and sureness was one of the gifts I felt that Katie had left to me: “Mom, you need to stop apologizing.” Of course, I will apologize when I know that I am wrong; Katie was saying that I needed to stop apologizing for being fully, truly myself…and she was absolutely right. I have not had difficulty advocating for my children; however, doing so for myself has proven to be more problematic. By grace, I can ask for help in this area, and receive it.

Here are a few ideas which have been helpful recently:

"Suffering is the sandpaper of our life. It does its work of shaping us. Suffering is part of our training program for becoming wise."   -Ram Dass

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; 

your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused." -African saying

 

"God doesn't lose heart! Beginning with creation God keeps coming up with creative, imaginative ways to respond to our destruction, our refusals, our ignorance and stubbornness and sin. God comes after us and will never stop. Jesus keeps saying this: that he has come to search out what is lost, to find and heal the broken-hearted, to bring good news to the poor. That is what Jesus is here for - unconditional love!  God just keeps devising more and more mysterious and humble and spirit-filled ways to get us to be human and love back."  - Megan McKenna, from Parables – sent via email in A Daily Spiritual Seed

"I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable...but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing." - Agatha Christie