"If a Schmuck Like Me Can Do It..."

In the early seventies a friend kept telling me, “Whatever you do, don’t try to make those feelings go away.” His advice went on: “Anything you can learn about working with your sense of discouragement or your sense of fear or your sense of bewilderment or your sense of feeling inferior or your sense of resentment—anything you can do to work with those things—do it, please, because it will be such an inspiration to other people.” 

That was really good advice. So when I would start to become depressed, I would remember, “Now wait a minute. Maybe I just have to figure out how to rouse myself genuinely, because there are a lot of people suffering like this, and if I can do it, they can do it.” I felt a sense of interconnectedness. “If a schmuck like me can do it, anybody can do it.” That’s what I used to say, that if a miserable person like me—who’s completely caught up in anger and depression and betrayal—if I can do it, then anyone can do it, so I’m going to try.  - The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chödrön (pages 100–101)

I'm grateful that Pema Chodron persevered in this. Her writings have inspired me.

Have you ever thought of your own journey in this way? Has it occurred to you that what you have been through - whatever it is that has been an occasion for your perseverance - might give others hope in their own times of trial or darkness?

A number of bloggers and other writers have provided this kind of inspiration for me. Many of them are featured on my blog's sidebar; some of them have written books which I've shared here. Some have served as a kind of "lifeline" for me in the depths of my grief, or during times of betrayal, or losing sight of the next step in the way forward.

If you are enduring a dark time, I hope you will consider that honoring your own inner journey might just be the way through to the light for you. Write down your feelings, draw them, dance, or walk, or paint, plant a garden, write music - whatever comes to you creatively - do it. You needn't share publicly unless you are moved to do so, but do honor your feelings; don't bury or ignore them. Your journey matters, your life matters, and the fact that you find your way through the darkness to the light (and how you do it) may someday instill hope in someone who has lost sight of how to find their way. Remember Pema's words, "If a schmuck like me can do it, anyone can do it."

My mom sent me this glass dish with butterflies in it in honor of Katie's 20th birthday. I filled it with treasures found on the beach on that day. Do you see the "angel's wing" shell on top?

Isn't that a "heavenly" gift?

Reiki and Other Blessings

Sunrise on March 8th, 2015

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words around Katie's 20th birthday. We had a lovely day - which is in itself a kind of miracle, considering the circumstances - including a beach walk, delicious brunch at Alchemy Bistro and Wine Bar in Port Townsend, and a movie, with popcorn for dinner. A truly "Katie" kind of day.

Toasting Katie at brunch

Last week, I had the pleasure of accompanying our friend Charlotte on a tour of Building Hope at Seattle Children's Hospital. You may recall that David and I had a brief tour of the building in November for the purpose of a photo shoot, featuring Katie's Comforters Guild in the Guild News.

A patient receiving her blanket from Katie's Comforters Guild, represented by yours truly

On Thursday, Charlotte and I toured the Emergency Department, Cancer Ward and the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit. This new building is a great advancement upon what was available to us during Katie's treatment eight years ago. It is absolutely state-of-the-art, in every way.

There were wonderful surprises for me on this day, as we were met by several staff members who had taken care of Katie at her most fragile: during chemotherapy, and after her 18-hour surgery. It was a pleasure to be able to introduce these gifted caregivers to our friend, and to have them explain to her what they do, and how the facilities in this new building make it possible to make patients and families even more comfortable during the most stressful time in their lives.

We ran into one of Katie's dear oncology nurses

I am grateful to Drs. Baden, Brogan, Jeffries and Mazur for their generosity with their time on Thursday. I'm also thankful for all that they and their colleagues have done (and are doing) to save children's lives, as well as to the nurses and technicians who support their work - and to the donors who made this building possible! It truly is a team effort.

Since taking first-degree (Shoden) Reiki in November, I have been practicing daily, and looking forward to taking the next class (Okuden, or second-degree). I was able to do this a couple of weekends ago through Emerald City Reiki in Seattle.

My certificate of completion, with gratitude to Reiki Master Claire O'Shea.

Reiki brings peace, balance, calmness and relief from physical problems such as pain, digestive upset, stress, insomnia and much more. The potential for healing seems unlimited. The more I read about it, the more I enjoy learning from its practice, for Reiki isn't something that one learns from reading; practice is the most important way to learn. I find it has given me a new way to pray for myself, and others; it has restored a language of prayer which I had lost, and enhanced it, by keeping it free from "dogma." This freedom leads to pure joy and love when practicing Reiki. I think of it as a manifestation of the Holy Spirit, or healing power of God. [If you have questions about it, one of the best books I've read is called "Reiki: A Comprehensive Guide" by Pamela Miles.]

Update on Grandma:  we now have a routine in place for supporting Gregg's parents. We all take turns bringing Grandpa Ed to see Grandma Elaine, sit beside her bed with him until he gets tired, and then take him back to his home in assisted living (we are still waiting for a bed to open for Elaine in the same facility where she and Ed have been living). Gregg visits his mother nearly every day after work.

I am thoroughly enjoying serving on the board of the Bainbridge Public Library. What an interesting and generous group of people! At each meeting, I learn new things, and am grateful for the kindness and sense of community spirit among the members. Last Friday was my first time helping to host an artist's exhibit during the "First Friday" Art Walk. We host a different artist in the Community Room of the library each month. This month, I'll take a class to qualify for a certificate which will allow me to serve wine at these events.

Field's End (a committee of the Bainbridge Public Library) continues to offer opportunities for growth and stimulation for writers in our community. This week, we're hosting a Story Slam at Treehouse Cafe on Bainbridge Island, and on March 20th, there will be an Open Mic at the Poulsbo branch of Kitsap Regional Library. A Travel Writing Workshop will be taught by Perry Garfinkel in May through Field's End. If any of these events sound like fun to you, please visit www.fieldsend.org for more information.

Happy Birthday, My Sweet

 Today is Katie's 20th birthday.

Her light and her love first came into our lives 

on this day in 1995

and for that,

we are grateful beyond words.

I can imagine her at the age of 20.

She has been showing signs of her ongoing presence 

in tender ways this week,

for which I'm thankful.

She taught us important lessons in her own unique style,

and her precious life continues to teach us.
We love you, Sweetheart! Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Katie!

Happy Birthday, Precious Girl! You would be turning 19 today, if you were still here in body.

I know that you are with us in spirit, and we will celebrate your arrival in our lives with joy today.
David came home last night and we have the joy of spending this day (and this week) together; that's a wonderful birthday present! We're going to have a birthday dinner in your honor in one of your favorite places.

Your birthday dinner in 2006

We all send our love, today, as every day. We're so thankful that you are our daughter!

Opening gifts on your 11th birthday, March 8, 2006

** A very Happy Birthday to Sophie B., Katie's "birthday twin!" **

Spring Break 2013

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts on Katie's 18th birthday. They brought more comfort to my heart than words can express. We had as good a day as possible, under the circumstances. We went to one of her favorite restaurants for dinner, and looked at old photos of happy times together.

Beautiful iris sent by Elizabeth A. - thank you!

 To those of you who visited her bench and sent photos, a million thanks.

The Meek kids stopped by with Angela on their way to school

Grandma Icel & Bev visited

Maribeth & David with me on Katie's birthday

We went away a few days afterward to see my parents. My dad just turned 86, so we celebrated with him - Happy Birthday, Kappa! 

Unfortunately, my mom wasn't feeling well, so the celebrations were low-key, and there aren't any good group photos. Fortunately, she is now feeling much better - hooray for antibiotics, when needed!

Playing cribbage at the condo before dinner

I love the exuberant joy in these pics

Cannonball!

Airborne

18

Our beautiful daughter would be turning 18 years old today

 if she had not died of cancer at the age of 12 and a half.

Sometimes, I try to imagine what she would look like today:  

She would have green eyes, golden skin, long legs and fingers, and beauty marks. 

How would her features have developed? 

What would her character be like? 

She would still be funny, courageous, intuitive, sassy and creative - I know that for sure.

Would she be awaiting college acceptance letters, or would she already know her plans for next year?
There are no answers to these questions.
What we have
is the gift
of 12 and a half years
of knowing Katie,
and the hope of a reunion in the future.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart!

We love you and miss you every.single.day. 

We are grateful that you are our daughter forever.

We will honor your memory together and  
celebrate your birth today! 

"All sorrows can be borne if you tell a story about them."

- Karen Blixen (a.k.a. Isak Dinesen)

Merci * Thank You

Thank you to each one who thought, prayed, lit a candle,

remembered, called, emailed,

sent a facebook message, card, flowers and/or

wrote here in honor of

Katie's birthday.

It was the best one so far, since she has passed.

I was very busy working and catching up at home

after a wonderful week, packed with good events.

The best part was sitting down with Gregg on the couch,

and going through our photo albums,

beginning with my pregnancy and going through her life.

We stopped at the time when she got sick, which was just right for us on her birthday.

Your prayers, thoughts and words helped.

Merci beaucoup, from my heart to yours.

She Would Be Turning 17 Today

...but she's not here to celebrate.
Deep breath.
Though I am growing accustomed to this life without her physical presence, on certain days, it has not become easier. This is one of them.

 Happy Birthday, beautiful, sweet, sassy, spicy girl! How I miss you! How thankful I am that you were born to us. God bless you, dear heart. We celebrate YOU today.

Welcome Home

A lot has happened since I posted on the 10th - and it's only the 11th!

Tomorrow (Saturday) is Stud's big SHAVE to raise money for St. Baldrick's (pediatric cancer research), in Katie's honor...check out his mama's blog for updates. To read about another brave shaver, check Paul's blog and read about his friend, Caity.

We arrived home late last night after 5 days in Palm Desert with my parents. It was a good trip. I am always thankful for smooth flights and safe landings - as well as safe flights and smooth landings. There were high winds in the Puget Sound area, with gusts up to 60 m.p.h., so we were warned that it would be a bumpy descent...but it wasn't. Thank you, Alaska Airlines, for two great flights.

The night before we left home, our sweet Liger (a.k.a. Gandhi) came into the house limping. It's hard to describe how this made me feel, but I'll just say that the urge to cancel our vacation and stay at home with him was strong. David was flying in from college to meet us and take the same flight to PSP, so we couldn't cancel, but ohhh...leaving my sweet little guy at home, limping, was awful. Our dear neighbors had it all under control, and took great care of the cats and house, so I knew he was loved, but I was glad to see him and give him love when we got home.

HOWEVER, this morning, his leg started bleeding - Aieee! Fearing a broken bone, I called the local vet before they opened, and sped up there immediately after. It was simply an abscess, but a bad one, and the poor little guy is still woozy from the anaesthesia. I won't go into details of what they did to help him, or the mess he made while "under the influence," but suffice it to say that I've done a lot of laundry and cleaning today. I'm just glad that he is on the road to recovery. Wish he could sleep with us tonight...

While on vacation, I decided to resign from my monthly column at the wonderful website, Hopeful Parents. I've been writing there on the 10th of the month for over 2 years, and I love the founder and the purpose of the site. It has been a privilege and a joy to be part of the team, and I've learned a great deal from the wonderful writers there.

It dawned on me that I am not actively engaged in parenting children with special needs nowadays. David certainly has grief to deal with, as we do, but he is 5 hours away from us most of the year. He is leading an independent life for 8 to 9 months of the year, so we are effectively "empty-nesters." It doesn't seem fitting for me to write about my life there, when other columnists are taking care of children with life-threatening medical needs at this moment. My issues just don't have the same kind of immediacy. Grief is still an issue here, and I am deeply involved in hospital issues and cancer advocacy, but I just felt that there would be someone else who could speak to the site's current parenting issues better than I can. Please do share the site, if you know someone whose child has special needs - it's a supportive community of great writers.

I feel ready to write about other things than Katie's cancer journey and my grief. It's a big part of my life - it changed me profoundly - but it's not my entire life story. So we shall see where I am led.

Here are a few photos from our time in Cali.

Have you ever seen a 14,000-foot peak from above? Mt. Rainier.

Mom at the spa, having a pedicure.

Birthday balloons for Katie's Sweet 16th birthday.



Getting ready to set the balloons free - wishing Katie was with us.

Getting ready to go out to dinner. Mom & Dad like to serve wine and hors d'oeuvres first at the condo - sometimes with a side of cribbage or gin rummy!

The traditional daiquiri or margarita with dinner at Las Casuelas Terraza before going to the airport to fly home. I wish we could have stayed - the band was just setting up in the courtyard!

Did I mention that the temperature difference between Palm Springs and Seattle was 50 degrees?

That's right: 50 degrees!

When we left for the airport, the car's thermometer read 89 degrees; when we arrived at home, it was 38 degrees. Time to put away the shorts and get out the fleece.