Precious Days

My mom and I had the pleasure and privilege of traveling once again to Rancho La Puerta in Tecate, Mexico for a week of wellness, spending lots of time together, as well as following our favorite individual pursuits. It was the perfect blend of time to reflect, exercise, learn new things, deepen practices, refresh our bodies from the inside (with organic foods and balanced nutrition) to the outside (with fresh air, walking, hiking, yoga and meditation, among other classes).

We serendipitously met (and reunited with) fabulous, fascinating people, finding our second time to be more sociable than our first - perhaps that was due to our greater familiarity with the place. We shared the same lovely casita as we did last year, lighting fires in the evenings and talking, resting and reading in our little "home away from home." I enjoyed self-treating with Reiki every day, before heading out to hike at 6:10 A.M. I could so easily imagine settling there...

We both thrived at the Rancho, and are already looking forward to returning next year (if possible, by the grace of God). Gregg spent the days golfing, playing tennis, watching polo and lounging with my father in California.

We flew down via San Diego so that we could meet KBL2ORD2SAN and her belovED. Mom and I met her at the airport last year, but this year, our husbands got to join us. What a thrill, after being blogging buddies for so many years, to finally be all together "in real life!" We had a long, leisurely lunch, and left still bursting with things to talk about. Until next time...

Driving from San Diego to the Coachella Valley was a beautiful experience to share with Gregg. As we crested the top of the last hill on Highway 74, the valley unfolded before us at sunset.

Unfortunately, while we were away, my dear mother-in-law, Elaine, suffered a stroke. Elaine is 93 years old - in fact, the stroke occurred at her birthday party - and has for several years suffered from memory loss. She has been telling us for the past couple of years that she doesn't know why she is still here - she says it matter-of-factly, without self-pity or complaint.

Elaine and Ed Gerstenberger, "back in the day"

When the stroke occurred, she became paralyzed on her left side and was unable to swallow. Hospice was called, and she was moved to a nursing home with a dismal prognosis. But her miraculous body has recovered enough for her to swallow soft foods. She is sleeping a lot, but can recognize us and speak a few words at a time. We are hoping that she will be able to move back to the assisted living facility where she and Grandpa Ed normally reside, into a nursing-care unit. As for now, it is day-by-day, with lots of family in attendance, sitting by her bedside and driving Grandpa back and forth to see her. Fortunately, they raised four wonderful kids (now adults, with families of their own) who love her deeply, and are all doing their best to care for her and Grandpa.

These are precious days, indeed.

Light, Refuge and Strength

I'm finding the practice of yoga two or three times a week to be highly therapeutic, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Practicing more often might be better yet, but I'm a beginner, and this is where I begin.

Yoga is helping me to recognize my less-than-gentle thought patterns. It doesn't stop them altogether, but helps me notice them, and once recognized, I can choose whether or not to continue thinking that way.

At Rancho La Puerta, I heard afresh how unkind my inner-critic is, about my body and about all of the mistakes I make in daily living. The harshness of that voice stood out loudly, because I was in a space where everyone treated me with gentleness, kindness and encouragement. I began to wonder: maybe God isn't a taskmaster.

For someone who believes that "God is Love" - who has heard and believed those words since childhood - I realized that I don't always live as if I truly know it. Unconditional love is a wonderful concept, but at times, I have a functionally different image of God: God as an irritable, impatient parent. Intellectually, that doesn't make sense, but emotionally, there it is.

Recently, I saw this in action, when a friend shared her story of a family crisis. I listened with deep compassion and concern, but felt powerless to help. That powerless feeling was extremely uncomfortable. It was hard to bear, knowing that I could not make this better for her.

After more than seven years of walking in the world of cancer and grief, I found myself as lost for words as the most clueless novice imaginable. I stumbled over my words, and later, silently raked myself over the coals.

It's important to be aware of this, because there were times when I was unhappy to be on the receiving end of the things that people said to us when Katie was ill, and after her passing. Though well-meaning, some said banal, inappropriate or unhelpful things. Listening to my friend's difficulty, I felt just like one of those people.

Eventually, I noticed how savage I was being about my ineptness, and thought, "This conversation is not the most important thing in her day; let it go." I prayed for her and her family. I prayed over my clumsy words - prayed that God would communicate to her my loving intention, and allow only blessing to come from those words. I remembered yoga, and mindfulness, and made an effort to be gentle and kind to myself.

And then, this happened: a periwinkle blue (lavender) butterfly appeared.

I kid you not. 

I have never seen a butterfly of this color in my life. 

It flew right in front of me and landed on a branch. I tried to just be present to it, but I had to take a photo - the color was so rare! Then I looked deeply at this gentle creature, and knew that it was a message of love from God (and Katie), that "the Light shines in darkness, and the darkness does not overcome it."

"At the beginning God expressed himself. That personal expression, that word, was with God, and was God, and he existed with God from the beginning. All creation took place through him, and none took place without him. In him appeared life and this life was the light of mankind. The light still shines in the darkness and the darkness has never put it out." - John 1:1-5, J.B. Phillips New Testament

My personal ineptness - my humanity-  cannot muffle or put out the Light that is in this world, in each one of us. That Light is Life, and it is Love. God made us human, including love AND awkwardness.

The next morning, reading devotionals, I decided to look for all of the qualities of God that were listed in the texts of the day. Here is what I found:

• Love
• gracious
• merciful
• slow to anger (patient)
• kind
• good to all
• compassionate toward all
• faithful in all His words
• holy in all His works
• lifts up the falling
• raises up the bowed
• just in all His ways
• near to all who call on Him
• all-sufficient
• generous giver
• healer
• restorer
• Life
• Spirit
• seeker
• finder
• forgiving

That doesn't sound like a taskmaster to me; it sounds like a loving, understanding parent - one whose promises we can trust.

"God is our refuge and strength; an ever-present help in trouble." Ps. 46

Transformation and Yoga

My sweet parents sent this to me in celebration of Katie's 19th birthday - a symbol of transformation (and resurrection)

One of the greatest gifts I received during the week at Ranch La Puerta was beginning a yoga practice. I was nervous to try it, since I have always had difficulty learning new dance steps and following physical prompts. For example, I took a ballet class in college, and (though I enjoyed the movement) the unsympathetic, rapid-fire teaching style of the instructor left me feeling slow and foolish. I am not uncoordinated, but I learn dictated movement only with great effort and plenty of repetition.

I have heard so many good things about yoga that I pushed through my fear of embarrassment and took a class early in the week. It was challenging without being intimidating; it was difficult, yet gentle. Yoga combines the physical, mental and spiritual in a way that I have never encountered before. I liked it immediately, and went back for more.

Here is a brief sample of a yoga session with Maya, one of the excellent teachers at Rancho La Puerta:

At the Ranch, yoga classes are not progressive. The teachers lead with positions for beginners, and then suggest intermediate and advanced adjustments. If we felt comfortable and stable in a beginning pose, we were invited to deepen it and try the next level - but there was no pressure to do so. One of the instructors liked to suggest such variations with great good humor by saying things like, "And eventually - maybe, someday - you will raise your leg up here...and maybe, someday, out to the side..." I loved the invitations, the lack of judgment, the absence of competition and stress.

One of my decisions in "taking the Ranch home" was a commitment to finding a yoga studio nearby and trying it here. Bainbridge Yoga House is just a few miles from our home, and I've been going to classes there.

Some of the great gifts of yoga come through its teachings - intention, awareness, breathing, acceptance, gentleness, stillness-with-energy, concentration, strength, ease, flexibility, forgiveness and peace. Yesterday, we were invited to "be a fountain, not a drain" - clear imagery imparted with gentle humor.

It is much easier for me to quiet the mind and bring awareness to the present moment while practicing yoga than it is just sitting in meditation. It is easy to smile at myself when - just as I am trying my best to hold a difficult pose - the instructor reminds us to soften the jaw, or to be aware of what our body needs, trust our intuition, adjust a bit, or "engage the bandhas."

Practicing yoga, I notice tenseness, tightness or inflexibility in my body; there are always opportunities to check alignment and make tiny adjustments. Each correction makes a difference, and can bring the feeling of "Ah! That's better." Instead of berating myself for what I can't do, I can recall beginner's mind: we are all beginners, every day, starting fresh, again and again. That's a privilege - a kind of daily forgiveness. The practice of accepting and being gentle with myself, just as I am, helps me to feel gentler toward life and the rest of the world.

Yoga is also transforming me in ways which I did not anticipate. Feeling at home in my body, awareness (and acceptance) of it are things which I did not learn while growing up. Christian Science expends a lot of energy denying the physical senses, so to one coming from that background, body-work is basically a foreign concept. Practicing yoga helps me to connect with myself physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally - all at the same time. I feel stronger, and enjoy what my body can do, while becoming aware of what it cannot (yet) do - and what is possible, with practice. After class, I feel invigorated and accomplished. It is a wonderful way to begin the day, with gratitude, integration and joy.

I'm so thankful that I tried yoga at the Ranch, and can continue here at home.

Sculpture depicting Child's Pose at Rancho La Puerta

Our bodies are indeed temples for the Divine.

Namaste.

Taking the Ranch Home

One of the classes offered on the day before we left Rancho La Puerta was called “Taking the Ranch Home.” The point was to keep up the good things we had learned and begun to practice during our week of wellness. It was a great gift, and included encouragement to visit the Ranch's website to make use of its many tools and resources. 

We set our intentions in class, writing them down, along with possible roadblocks and ways to work around those roadblocks. Each of us wrote a card including this information, addressed it to our home, and left it with the Ranch staff. I'm expecting to receive this reminder at any time.

After we left the Ranch, I continued to read postings from www.gratefulness.org:

Sunday, Feb. 16

Within your heart, keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go. Louise Driscoll

Monday, Feb. 17

Prayer begins at the edge of emptiness. - Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel

The message seemed to be: continue to keep it simple.

“Every day, we are given a natural way to reconnect with God. And it doesn’t depend on education. It doesn’t depend on getting a degree in philosophy or theology. Or what period of history we lived in. Or what our religion precisely is. It depends on really being present to what is right in front of us. Or, as Paul says, ‘God has made it plain.’”– Richard Rohr

The first months of 2013 brought the end of a path of cooperative work on a project which was very dear to my heart; letting go of that path involved shock, pain, bewilderment and a loss of confidence - confidence which had been carefully nurtured, and was growing tenderly after Katie's passing. 

I embarked upon another grief journey - this one compounded by my grief for Katie.

Though I spent much of 2013 working toward acceptance and equilibrium, I was unable to see a way forward with joy, until the Ranch provided a time and place of healing and restoration. While there, I met interesting, generous, intelligent people, who responded to me with kindness and respect - responded to me, my self - not to Katie's and David's mom, or Gregg's wife, not to a survivor or bereaved person, but to Karen. We shared genuine, heartfelt conversations of seriousness and lightness. I spent a week taking gentle care of my whole self, and now feel renewed peace, joy and purpose.

Taking the Ranch with me, I have begun a yoga practice, and am endeavoring to treat my body as the temple it is - with better food for fuel, and with more mindfulness, love and acceptance. I am also doing my best to be more spontaneous in my spiritual practice. I realized - in letting go of my regular practices at the Ranch - that I have a lot of habitual discipline, but not a lot of trust in letting go of those habits. What might happen if I lived my faith more spontaneously? I want to find out.

Thank you for this beautiful card, Carmela!

This time in a new place, seeking the presence of God in everything and everyone, has made me happier than I have been since before Katie got sick, and that is why it is so important to give thanks, write it down and savor it. I have been shown anew that God’s love is in me, and I am in God’s love; that His life lives in me, and I live in His life. I am blessed to do valuable work, and it is coming through God’s hands. My past, present and future belong to Him.

 “This is what God says…
‘Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is!…I provided water in the desert,
    rivers through the sun-baked earth,
Drinking water for the people I chose,
    the people I made especially for myself,
    a people custom-made to praise me.’ ” - Isaiah 43: 16-21 The Message

You Are a Temple

Katie made her presence known at various times during the week, in “coincidence” connections with other guests, as well as in the presence of butterflies - in art, and in living, moving creatures. 

These beautiful stained glass doors open into the art studio.

A ceramic butterfly at the base of the signs.

Katie also appeared as I walked the pathways around the ranch.

Can you see the butterfly on the white daisy? It actually flapped its wings when I spoke to it. 

In preparing for this week, I resolved to abstain from online contact, replying only to the most pressing emails, and avoiding social media. I even gave up reading my usual daily devotionals; I went seeking God everywhere, in everyone and everything, intentionally not following my habitual ways. 

I wanted to trust in simply being, as Richard Rohr writes:

“Faith is to trust that an intrinsic union exists between us and God. Contemplation is to experience this union… There is nothing that is not spiritual for those who have learned how to see.”

 I did read a few words from www.gratefulness.org, and each one seemed to fit the day, simply and perfectly.

Sunday, Feb. 9

Each minute of life should be a divine quest. - Paramahansa Yogananda

Monday, Feb. 10

Our approach to gratefulness has to be big enough to embrace all the difficulties of the world. - David Steindl-Rast

Tuesday, Feb. 11

I have the nerve to walk my own way, however hard, in my search for reality, rather than climb upon the rattling wagon of wishful illusions. - Zora Neale Hurston

Wednesday, Feb. 12

When the waves close over me, I dive down to fish for pearls. - Masha Kaleko

Thursday, Feb. 13

Just to be is a blessing; just to live is holy.

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel

Friday, Feb. 14

Treat everyone you meet as if he or she were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do so with no thought of reward. Your life will never be the same. - Og Mandino

A chalkboard near our casita held inspirational verses, on its front and back, every day.

One of the pleasures of the ranch is getting to know the other guests; they were friendly and interesting. A conversation might begin with, “Where are you from?” or “What brought you to the ranch?” or “Is this your first visit?” We learned that many guests come back year after year, with family members, friends, or even on their own.

I was surprised to see how many people are willing to invest in this kind of self-care – and I began to understand that it is not self-indulgent, but wise and healthy.

The people, messages and activities of the ranch (and Mother Nature herself), opened my heart with gentleness toward myself and others. Each hour encouraged me on the path of openness, to letting go, and to fresh, new beginnings, leaving the past behind, and listening to what is, here and now.

As I was nourished by delicious vegetarian food (the fuel for our body's energy and restoration), restful sleep, five to nine miles of daily walking, stretching and simple awareness, I began to hear these words in my heart:

my body is a temple.

At first, it made me laugh to think this, but gradually, 
I started to believe it.

“Do you not know that you are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?...the temple of God, which you are, is holy… everything belongs to you…and you to Christ, and Christ to God.” – 1 Cor. 3

My body IS a temple, and yours is, too - a dwelling place for the Spirit; I am in God, and God is in me. I could feel this truth energizing me, strengthening and opening me. My skin became clearer, my body felt fluid, relaxed and strong; I gained a sense of well-being, from the inside out. I felt healing taking place.

I could also see my mom relaxing more with each day, experiencing joy and tender care, making friends and becoming bolder to take classes and try things which were new to her. 

The environs of Rancho La Puerta, and majestic Mt. Kuchumaa which stands over it, are considered sacred ground to the Kumiai Indians, and I believe it is so. The positive energy is palpable.