The "Yes" That Means "No"

Mark Nepo continues to enlighten me with his daybook, "The Book of Awakening." If you haven't seen it, I recommend you check it out from your local library or bookstore. A few days ago, his topic was, "I Say Yes When I Mean No."

Have you ever done this? I have, with consequences ranging from unpleasant to disastrous.

My mom gave me a calendar with a photo like this for each week (thanks, Mom!).

Though this photo is funny, anyone who has ever said "Yes" when she meant "No" knows it is not a joke. It is painful to override our own inner voice - our own deep desires and gut feelings.

I'm not speaking of choices like "vanilla or chocolate?;" I am talking about things that evoke a visceral NO, but are ignored. Things like, No, you may not touch me that way.  No, the way you speak to me is not acceptable. No, I 'm not ready to take action on this. No, that job isn't in my skill set, or my heart's path. No, I don't want another drink. No, thank you, I am not hungry. No, thank you, but I do not want to marry you. No, that is not what I meant. No, I do not have the time/money/energy to invest in your cause. No, I will not do your work for you. No, I will not abandon myself. No, I will not jump on this bandwagon. {Insert your own "No" here.}

In our family, we have a joke called, "The Yes that means No." This is the long, drawn-out syllable of "Yeeeeees," spoken without conviction, when one really means (and doesn't want to say) "No." We point it out - "Ah, there's the 'Yes' that really means 'No!,' " and we laugh about it, clear the air, and then, our true voice is heard on the subject: No. And I want to hear that true voice, even if I am disappointed or disagree. That has been one of the interesting things about this marriage: I love Gregg enough to want him to have his way, as much as I want my own. That was new, for me.

I grew up in a traditional household, the product of a 1950s marriage as it evolved through the 1960s and 1970s. There was not an equal balance of power between my parents in those days, and it was felt by all of us (they have since established a happier balance). I grew up feeling that I hadn't had enough of my own way, or the opportunity to self-determine. I'm not sure if this is a universal quality of youth, or if it was an effect of growing up in my family of origin; perhaps it was due to the overbearing nature of the religion we practiced, or to observing people outside of our circle who had more freedom than I. I just knew that I wanted some control when I became an adult, and when the time came, I did my best to assert it. I didn't always do it gently or gracefully, and made plenty of mistakes in the process.

Mark Nepo says, 

"There have been many times that I said yes when I meant no, afraid of displeasing others, and even more afraid of being viewed as selfish. I think the first time I decided to get married, I said yes when I meant no. Young and inexperienced in being myself, I agreed to  be a fish out of water for as long as I could, so as not to hurt or disappoint or displease. Not surprisingly, it all ended badly."

That passage could have been written about me; I did the same thing, and it was a mistake of large proportions. I ended up hurting the man (and myself) far more in the long run than if I had simply faced the truth at the beginning, and said - and acted upon - the NO which I felt so deeply.

Because I did feel it, but was afraid of it - afraid of what it meant I would have to do.

After divorcing, I have tried to learn from my mistakes. When I met Gregg, I learned that not everyone is driven to have his own way. Gregg freely shared the power in our relationship. This shifted my consciousness; I found the pleasure of giving way, of asking, "What do YOU want to do?" - and meaning it. It took some time, as I am strong-willed and tenacious, but after a little while, I had enough of "my way," and began to enjoy seeking and finding out what Gregg really wanted (when he had a preference), and giving it to him.

Nepo goes on to say,

"...those who truly love us will never knowingly ask us to be other than we are...when we agree to any demand, request or condition that is contrary to our soul's nature, the cost is that precious life force is drained off our core. Despite the seeming rewards of compliance, our souls grow weary by engaging in activities that are inherently against their nature...watch any piece of nature doing what it does--tree, moose, snake, or lightning--[and] it becomes clear that the very energy of life is the spirit released by things being what they are."

"God holds in power the soul of every living thing,

And the breath of every human body." -Book of Job, Chapter 12

If our soul, our true self, is God's gift to us, and our gift to the world, there can be no benefit in putting it "under a bushel," or on "mute." May we each have to courage to give (and to receive) whole-hearted "Yes" and "No," from attention to the soul of who we truly are.

"The Glory of God is a human being fully alive." - St. Irenaeus

Enjoying Autumn

To every one who has served in the military forces for the United States of America, Thank you. I know that "freedom isn't free." We cannot "catch" it from others, and it is not "given" to all human beings to live in a free country. Though each of us has freedom within (as unique creations of our Creator), not everyone has the privilege to live freely. For that privilege in this time and place, paid for by your sacrifice, dear veterans, I thank you.

The last time I visited the Bloedel Reserve, I was rewarded with the pleasure of rich, intense colors of the remaining leaves on deciduous trees, and the patterns they created on the ground. I expect that the next visit will reveal many changes wrought by the high winds and heavy rains of autumn.

Just now, we are enjoying gorgeous, cold, clear days here in Western Washington. This was the view as the setting sun painted high clouds a tender pink, and a lone boat struggled against wind, whitecaps and current.

The wind caused widespread power outages that day.

On Saturday morning, I awoke early to this sunrise view...

It was a perfect day for a trip to Port Townsend. We never tire of walking through that town and the surrounding area.

This is the view looking over the old military buildings and parade ground. If it looks familiar, you might be remembering it from the movie, "An Officer and a Gentleman." Mt. Rainier looms on the horizon, faintly visible and wreathed in clouds.

If you had to make a caption for this photo, what would it be?

The deer were enjoying an apple-feast under that tree; not timid at all!

We walked around the marinas, and admired the craftsmanship of many wooden boats, especially the sailing ship Adventuress.

We saw tiles with messages from supporters of the maritime center.

Good advice.

I colorized the mermaid tile using Picasa.

I am thankful that Gregg and I still have so much fun doing something which is free of charge and open to anyone, which we enjoyed from the very first days we met. There is something comforting in the fact that, as much as our lives have changed during these 25+ years, this simple pleasure remains for us to enjoy again and again, in different places, seasons and moods.

A Lovely Fall Weekend

We had a beautiful weekend, after a week of intermittent rain showers heralded the end of summer.

Gregg and I took a drive up to one of our favorite towns and visited their farmers' market. It was the perfect day to do so.

The flowers and vegetables were radiant with color, especially brilliant in the early autumn light.

We bought organic vegetables for our dinner, and a couple of freshly-baked snacks to eat then and there. We sat down to enjoy some live music while we ate. A farmer's market can be a great place for local people-watching.

I am having a lot of fun playing with photos on Instagram. It is an easy-to-use application which brings out the best in simple digital photos which have been taken on a phone.

After listening to a few songs, we walked through town, admiring gardens, cottages, and grand houses adorned with Victorian ornamental details. We took in the view of the sea from uptown, then walked down to the docks to enjoy the variety of boats afloat on crystal-clear water. We breathed in the fresh air, window-shopped, and bought locally-made gifts, then stopped for a cup of freshly-brewed coffee and a slice of homemade pie.

On our way home, we stopped by another small harbor town and walked along the shoreline, soaking up the late-afternoon sunshine and admiring the variety of boats in the marina. It was a perfect date.

I'm glad that after more than 23 years of marriage (including a lot of life's ups and downs), we still love to go on dates together. I don't take Gregg's excellent company for granted. He is quite entertaining, in addition to being solid, intelligent, interesting, loving and true.

Last night, we joined my parents in their home for dinner with friends.

 We had some great laughs together.

 I love that photograph - my mom is out of control with hilarity!

My Happy Place

We took a vacation. It was grand.

I'm taking longer than usual to get back to our "normal" life, because I have a pinched nerve in my neck. (If you know me well, or even know me on facebook, you'll be aware that I do NOT write about aches, pains, viruses or day-to-day illness, out of respect for others, particularly those who suffer from really serious conditions.)

This has been going on for several weeks, since before we left for Canada, and has prevented me from writing or reading for any length of time. That's why I've been absent from here, and from reading your blogs. All these weeks, I have been itching to read and write, so here I am, with my laptop perched on two large cushions so as not to irritate my neck.

It is good to be away from home on the anniversary of Katie's passing. As the day approaches, I worry that if I am in our house, I will walk by the door of her room, go in, and re-live her death, moment by moment. I realize that I don't have do that, but feel helpless to stop myself. It takes an annual effort to resist re-living the entire month preceding her passing. So I planned our vacation to take us away over the day it happened, and it went well.

The best way to tell you about it is in photographs...they really are worth a thousand words.

That's Gregg and David in the distance. We walked for hours and had a picnic lunch on this beach - my favorite place to hike

My friend Teri calls this a "God-circle" - shining on Incinerator Rock. I saw more than one of these on this trip

Surfers love this cove

David finally talked us into doing something we have been resisting (for reasons of economy) for several years: taking a seaplane trip to Hot Springs Cove. It was a blast.

My father used to fly a single-engine retractable (landing gear) plane called a Mooney 201, so I love small planes, but have never been in a seaplane before. Gregg has, but David and I had not. This trip included a hike out through old-growth forest on a beautifully-maintained boardwalk to three, natural hot spring pools. Gregg and David carried our lunch, water, towels and a change of clothes.

If you thought you saw this in the slideshow,

you did. 

We were stunned to come across it on our hike out to the cove. 

It felt like a love-message from our girl.

We saw thousands of these (known as "sail jellyfish," though they are not jellyfish), which rarely come ashore,

and we saw Spiderman's underpants, on the sidewalk in Victoria. If you see him, beware - he's going commando!

We stopped at a tiny winery to buy a couple of bottles of their excellent wines which are unavailable in the U.S. This is the Venturi-Schultze Brandenburg #3 dessert wine, and I highly recommend it - particularly if you accompany it with a serving of sticky date-toffee pudding.

We took beautiful walks through the countryside and city.

Community garden in James Bay neighborhood

We ate fabulous food and met interesting, fun, kindhearted people. We spent time together as a family, just the three of us. It was pure joy.

Spoiler alert: this might be our Christmas card.

Whenever we visit, I feel as if I want to move to Vancouver Island - for good. It is my "happy place," so while we're always glad to be home, we had a heavenly vacation. And I felt Katie's presence in so many lovely ways that it was easy not to grieve for her - even on the 16th.

Thanks to all of you who sent messages, thoughts and love during this time. I deeply appreciate it, and want you to know that we are well...and happy.

"Antidote for Pessimism"

I've been leading a writing workshop called "Word Soup" on Bainbridge Island for two weeks. It's great fun and the class is brimming with talent and energy. It is wonderful to see the students jump in and write. Each prompt that I offer is met with energy and willingness to enter the scene and draw it with words. Each student has a unique voice and perspective, and it is a privilege to add ingredients, stir the pot and see the delicious "soup" emerge.

Word Soup took a break last week; class will resume this Thursday for another two weeks, and I am thankful for the pause, because Gregg and I caught a virus just before we left for Canada and I did not want to infect anyone else. This is a small problem - nothing compared to chronic or acute illness - but it reminds me of two things:
1) when I'm sick, I always, ALWAYS think of Katie, along with others who suffer from horrible illnesses and truly disgusting treatment regimens (and their cruel side effects). This reminds me that I have no reason to complain about something like a virus and
2) a pet peeve: I dislike reading "illness" posts on facebook. If a person is asking for prayers, by all means, post a request, but otherwise, I do not want to read the daily complaints about allergy symptoms, vomiting in the backseat of the car, what came out of your cat's nose, bum, ear, etc. A little filter is a blessing!

I am not unsympathetic to small or large suffering, but there is enough negativity online and in the media to sink most ships on any given day, and the broadcasting of our run-of-the-mill virus, sniffles and stomach flu "news" simply does not help to keep anyone's ship on an even keel. In my opinion, that's the purpose of a private journal.

Which brings up something I've been wanting to share:  Gregg went to Spain on business at the end of March, and the first week of April. Because he was there over a weekend, he arranged (at our expense, not his employer's) to take a tour. Spain has a richly diverse history and many sites of great cultural interest.

One of the things I admire about Gregg is his willingness to go off of the beaten path, on his own, exploring foreign places. Many people would find it intimidating or exhausting, but he loves to do it, and it enriches his business travel to fill his "down time" with such forays. Museums, palaces, bull fights, bus tours, Roman ruins, churches, Jewish ghettos, famous restaurants, shopping streets, markets, live music, parks - from his work in Japan to France, Italy and Spain, he is open to all of it.

On this trip, he visited (among other places) the city of Italica, and the cathedral of Cordoba. The cathedral has its origins as a Christian temple in the Visigoth period, was turned into a mosque in the year 785, and back into a Christian cathedral in 1236. The architecture and interior design tell many stories, and the brochure which Gregg brought home was packed with facts.

The most interesting thing in the little pamphlet was the following passage:

"A REFLECTION
"The Church, through the Chapter, has ensured that this Cathedral, an old Western Caliphate Mosque, and World Heritage Site, is not in a pile of ruins today. In fact, this has always been one of the missions of the Church, to safeguard and inspire culture and art.

"The visit to the Cathedral of Cordoba may awake the demand and the quest for a greater Beauty that will not wither with time. Because beauty, as truth and righteousness, are an antidote for pessimism, and an invitation to take pleasure in life, a shaking of the soul that provokes the longing for God."

I had never before seen this aspect of the church put into words, but it explains why I enjoy visiting historic places of worship: they are sanctuaries where beauty, art, architecture, history, allegory, music, faith, longing, hope, love, soul and spirit converge.

Perhaps this relates to my instinctive recoil from dreary illness-posting and negativity-spewing on facebook. It is not a lack of interest in others' opinions and experiences, nor a lack of compassion for the small sufferings of our daily lives; it's a question of how much we spread the grit of our small annoyances. Spreading "beauty, truth and righteousness" lifts the spirit - our own, and those around us.

We all need safe sounding boards - places where we can share our deepest heartfelt feelings. In a public forum, however, it's important to think about what we are creating with our words and images, since we have the power of instant, far-reaching communication at our fingertips through the internet. 

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. - Phillippians 4:8, New Living Translation

Victoria

I love Canada. I feel so "at home" in British Columbia that, every time we visit, I have fantasies of living there.

Victoria is one of my favorite cities. It has an international feeling, a historic sense, and yet it has a manageable size - not too big and not too small. It is truly charming - not phony charm, but the real kind, based upon innate good qualities.

When we visit, we walk as much as possible, and do not rent a car. We average 8-12 miles walking each day, and we love seeing the neighborhoods and different areas from ground-level, at pedestrian speed. We love to be near the water, and Victoria has plenty of that. We love to eat and drink well, and restaurants, cafes and pubs abound. There are plenty of interesting shops for browsing, as well as farmer's markets, yard sales, antique stores and coffee shops. We love boats, so the Swiftsure sailboat race weekend is a natural attraction for us - plus, it coincides with our wedding anniversary (or should that be the other way around?).

On this trip, our 23rd anniversary, we arrived in a drizzling rain, so we checked our bags at the hotel and borrowed an umbrella. As Puget Sound natives, we view an umbrella as simply an insurance policy: if we carry one, the rain will stop. True to our expectation, after about an hour of carrying the umbrella as we walked up to the Cook Street Village for a cup of coffee and some people-watching, the sun came out.

We found a fabulous delicatessen that was new to us. Its cheese selection made our mouths water, but we were saving our appetites for dinner at Cafe Brio. We were not disappointed; we never have been, at Cafe Brio.

Part of the fun of our hotel's location is walking through Laurel Point Park, looking at the city from various angles, reading the dedications on the park benches, and people-watching. We walked to dinner as the light softened from day to dusk.

Gregg started his meal with a salad and a beer; I had a glass of wine. We chose to share a fish entree, and Gregg had a half-serving of pork shoulder to himself. Then we shared a dessert which is in a class of its own: the Sticky Date Toffee Pudding with vanilla bean ice cream, swimming in toffee-rum sauce. Oh.my.good.heavens. I don't have words to describe it.

With dessert, Gregg had coffee, but I indulged in something new: fortified blackberry dessert wine from the Venturi-Schulze Winery on Vancouver Island. We are planning a visit to that winery on our next trip to the island.

On Saturday morning, we awoke for an early breakfast so that we could watch the sailboats heading out to begin the race. One reason that I love this modest hotel is its location on the inner harbour. The parade of boats is an exciting spectacle, and we are able to enjoy it from our breakfast table.

The harbour looks quite different without the boat parade. It is always busy, with ferries, pleasure boats, float planes, passenger ferries and commercial shipping, but I caught it during a quiet moment here:

After breakfast, we walked up past Ogden Point, onto the breakwater, out to the lighthouse and back. Then we continued up Dallas Road to Beacon Hill Park, and joined the crowds watching the boats depart. The winds were brisk, and there were were para-sailors riding the updrafts.

It was exciting to watch them flying so close over head, floating on the wind. Gregg was totally captivated. I thought he was going to try it, but he didn't.

We went from the Swiftsure race to the Moss Street Farmer's Market, another favorite place. They have beautiful crafts, vegetables, baked goods, toys, face-painting for children and live music. Along the way, we admired the many charming cottages, some made into duplex and four-plexes, with glorious gardens. Victoria enjoys a drier climate than ours, and it shows in the cottage gardens.

After walking about 10 miles, it was time for a nap, and after our nap, time for happy hour: oysters on the half-shell, beer and cider, outdoors near the harbour.

From there, it was on to the Irish Times restaurant, where there are dozens of beers on tap, pub food and excellent live music. They featured Irish folk tunes on Saturday night (fiddle, guitar, bass and vocals) - really well done, and in such a fun atmosphere.

The Irish Times' menu contains this page:

This is not my view of alcohol, but I thought it was pretty funny. I like the very last sentence best.

 Walking back to the hotel, this was our view along the quai (the Empress Hotel, above)

and the government buildings. Do you see what I mean about the charm of the city? It has captured my heart

I'm thankful that Gregg and I agree on the gift of time spent together as an anniversary present. It's my favorite kind of gift.