Life Lessons from a Man I've Never Met

We will be known forever by the tracks we leave. - Dakota proverb

Last spring, I was allowed to participate in two classes because of the generosity of faculty members of the University of Washington School of Medicine. The two classes are "The Healer's Art" (a medical school elective designed by Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.), and a "Values Clarification" exercise - part of the 4th-year curriculum in the Chronic Care Clerkship for students about to embark upon their residency program. The Values Clarification class was created by a man named Stuart Farber, M.D., who recently passed away from leukemia.

Dr. Farber is revered and loved by his colleagues and students, family and friends. He founded, and was director of, the Palliative Care service at the University of Washington Medical Center. He was a pioneer in the field, helping to develop a palliative care training center at the University of Washington.

In a terrible coincidence, his wife Annalu was also diagnosed with the same kind of leukemia (AML) four months after Dr. Farber's diagnosis, so they each walked in the role of patient and caregiver, supported by their family and community. This journey served to deepen and further inform his sensitivity in what he already believed and taught to his students. In each caringbridge.org update on their health, Dr. Farber and his wife shared their love of poetry by posting a poem chosen to express their feelings of the moment. I learned a great deal about the Farbers (whom I have never met) from those poems, and a great deal about the ways in which art can bring release and healing to patients and caregivers.

The Values Clarification exercise was administered by a wonderful professor named Tom McNalley, M.D., director of the Chronic Care Clerkship (whose specialty is Rehabilitation Medicine), and his gifted colleague, Carol Kummet, LICSW, MTS, a social worker with the Palliative Care Service. Both facilitators exuded seriousness tinged with gentle humor, compassion and empathy. Experiencing the Values Clarification with young medical students was a deeply moving gift to me, and one that I will never forget. It is an important part of Dr. Farber's legacy.

Another vital part of Dr. Farber's legacy is an article which was published posthumously, which I cannot recommend highly enough for EVERYone to read. It was published in the Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, Vol. 49, No. 4 on April 4, 2015, and made available by Dr. Farber's widow here:
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0885392415000755
under the heading, Humanities: Art, Language, and Spirituality in Health Care. Isn't that a powerful heading? The article is called Living Every Minute. I have read it twice, and am simply in awe of its grace and power. Whether you are a patient, family member of a patient, a clinician, an artist or a spiritual seeker, this article will be a gift to you.

Many deep truths of living, of the value of quality of life over quantity, and the supreme importance for clinicians and caregivers to seek, find and understand what is most important to their patients is beautifully illustrated in Dr. Farber's words and his life. Much is expressed poetically, with far more accuracy and nuance than the most scientific language could ever describe or quantify.

You can read more about Dr. Farber's life and legacy HERE.

Education and Listening

Sitting in on classes at the University of Washington School of Medicine is a privilege which I could not have imagined 8 years ago - but then, 8 years ago, I would not have been interested in doing so.

After spending intense months with my family in a hospital setting, a piece of my heart has remained there, with the staff who so lovingly tended to Katie and to each one of us. I cannot forget them, nor what families like ours ask of them, day in and day out. They suffer when we suffer; though they have more experience and training, they are human, as we are.

I know that Katie's life and death impacted those who provided her with care.

Because I had over five years of training and experience in pastoral caregiving prior to the onset of Katie's illness, it is natural for me to think deeply about these dear caregivers and their feelings. As my own pain has become less like an elephant sitting on my chest - and more like a stone in my shoe - this concern for medical caregivers has grown. As the national discussion about the state of health care heats up, my concern centers upon a desire to improve conditions for both staff and patients - and questions about the best, most appropriate, effective ways to do that.

In considering those questions, I have been fortunate to meet staff of the U of W School of Medicine who are engaged in teaching, who are willing to share openly and generously, and to include me. Last week, I attended another session of "The Healer's Art" - this one about grief, loss and disappointment. The featured presenter is an experienced doctor who spoke eloquently on the topic, and guided us through personal reflection and sharing afterward. I found it illuminating.

I also had the privilege of participating in a "Values Clarification" exercise with 4th-year medical students. That was deep, interior work. We were invited to privately list 4 things in 5 categories that mean the most to us - categories such as relationships, possessions and so on. Then we were guided through an experience of facing our own critical illness and the loss of most of those 20 things. Eventually, we were faced with our imminent death. The scenario ran parallel to what Katie endured, and it dug deeply into my consciousness.

Though I have already personally encountered many of the issues that were raised, at one point the experience was so intense that I had to mentally withdraw. I came out of the guided imagery and studied my hands, centering myself back in the present moment. That is the hardest part about my desire to contribute in this field: not knowing when emotions may overwhelm me. Because of that uncertainty, I frequently wonder whether I am the best person for the job; yet I know that my experience has value to teach.

I am drawn to these physicians-in-training, and to their mentors and colleagues. I would love to minister to them in compassion - care of the soul - particularly as evidence of burnout and stress, disillusionment, unrealistic demands and the conflicts of cost vs. best-quality care become more and more prevalent in the field. Discerning whether this calling is real, is mine, and if so, how it is to be answered - how to do the work without injury to myself? - is the business of the moment.

I sit with students and staff, listening for answers, and offering the gifts of my heart.

...and He's OFF!

David left for Europe on Sunday.

He flew to Berlin via Amsterdam, from whence the group's opening tour will embark. They will visit the Czech Republic and Austria, after Germany. After the opening tour, the group will settle into the Gonzaga University campus in Florence.

We are thrilled for David; we've always hoped that he would study abroad. We thought he might choose Paris, since he is rather proficient in French, but he selected the GIF program, which has been in existence since the 1960s, and is well-established and respected. In fact, Gregg visited friends on that program back in the late 1970s!

David is going to learn to speak Italian, which may confuse his French a bit, but no worries - both are romance languages. It will be fun to hear him speak Italian.

I spent a quarter in England when I was a college student, and loved it. It was a life-changing, enriching blessing. I pray that this will be the case for David!

Old Days, Part 2

This was taken in the 1970s at my grandparents’ home. That’s me, looking through old photos with Nana (my grandmother, Emilie), my dad, Coco (my grandfather, Morton) and his cousin Johanna Eckstein. Her father, Nathan, was a great man in Seattle. (In looking this up, I found a superb historical resource on my mother’s family, the Schwabachers.)

Senior High School Portrait, 1977.

My closest high school friend, Bonnie & I working at Seabeck Conference Center (camp), 1977.

Summer Staff at Seabeck (I’m in front, right).

Debbie, Jim & me at Nana’s house.

On an art study program in England – 1979.

West Dean College, England 1979.

Graduation photo, 1981.

Getting that diploma, cum laude, in the Illinois humidity, with multiple mosquito bites on my legs. Hooray for cap & long gown!

Housemates pose after the graduation ceremony. I’m in the middle.

With my first car, outside my apartment in Boston, 1981.

Even though the marriage was a disaster, the flowers and the dress were pretty.

Me, Jim, Dad, Mom & Deb, 1982.

With former grandmother-in-law (she was a competitive ballroom dancer, decades before Dancing with the Stars). Like my 1980s ‘do?

Here I am with friends from college days, late 1980s.

With friends from Hollywood, during another era, just before I met Gregg.

Gonzaga University - Freshman (& Parent) Orientation

Gregg and I spent a long weekend at Gonzage University, walking through the orientation process with David. I am deeply impressed with the professionalism and friendliness of the people we met on campus. I found myself giving thanks to the Lord that David was led to apply (and was accepted) there.

It's a looooong drive from here - over 5 hours. David used the time to do a little bit of reading for pleasure.

We crossed the Columbia River, and miles and miles of prairie.

We had the privilege of visiting with beloved relatives who live in Spokane, and with others who were visiting the city at the same time.

Mary & Kim, our hosts. Mary is a Zag, and she & Kim did some heavy-duty lobbying for David to attend the university she loves!

Doug, Paul, Kristin, Alice and Karl (Doug & Paul are Kim's older brothers. Kristin is Paul's wife, Alice is Doug's wife, and Karl is Kim's son.) Kim's other brother, Scott, was not present, but Alice's brother Brian was, and he brought his beautiful seeing-eye dog, Tiffany, with him. Got all that?

Alice, Brian, Tiffany, David, Karl & Kristin.

Kristin, Alice, Karl, Gregg, David and Mary.

Having family nearby makes us feel even better about David's decision to attend Gonzaga.

As we walked around the campus, I was struck by several banners that hung from lampposts everywhere. Here is what they said:

My colleges did not have banners like that.

We saw well-tended lawns, flowers, statues and beautiful buildings.

This statue of St. Ignatius of Loyola (the founder of the Jesuits) had the following saying on the back:

We saw Gonzaga's mascot, Spike (the bulldog).

The real bulldog was roaming on a leash with a student, and I must tell you that she licked me. I like that in a dog.

We were greeted by kind, friendly people EVERYWHERE we went. When we drove up to the dorm to move David's things into his room, at least a half-dozen students in matching t-shirts came up to our car and asked how they could help us. David's gear was in his room within 10 minutes - literally. Gregg then moved the car out of the way, and the next wave of freshmen moved in.

 We helped David unload his clothes, set up his printer, assemble his desk chair, stow things under his bed, make the bed, etc., all in the first afternoon. He got his textbooks that same day. Efficient, polite, clean-cut people were all around us. What a great feeling, when you are leaving your only surviving child in a city far from home, to know that he is going to be part of such a good community!

When I went to college, I made some wonderful friends, but I didn't have a feeling of "family" at school. The people at Gonzaga extended that kind of feeling right away, and they have high expectations for learning, service and morality. Cura Personalis is part of the Gonzaga "lingo," and it means "care for the whole person." To quote from the Parent & Family guide: "This is a hallmark of Jesuit education where teachers form personal relationships with students and encourage students to take...initiative and responsibility for learning. This phrase also asserts the dignity of each individual person."

All of the freshmen received this t-shirt:

On the back, it says:

The orientation was planned with a perfect balance of family involvement and independence for the incoming freshman. They gradually separated from us, as we had different activities during the weekend, with time to come together and share what was happening to us. The culmination of the weekend was the Welcome Mass at the Catholic church on campus, St. Aloysius (named for Aloysius Gonzaga). It was a deeply moving experience, a beautiful way to pray for the community, and to begin to "let go" with the ritual of community prayer.

Those Catholics (particularly the Jesuits) have got so many things right! I admire their tradition. For example, one of the priests for whom a dormitory is named was Fr. De Smet:

The Mass was a mass of thanksgiving. The president of the university gave a homily on the subject of humility as Jesus taught it - not something that one necessarily expects to hear on a campus devoted to higher learning, but a refreshing perspective with which to begin one's undergraduate career.

A view of St. Al's.

One of the most powerful images in the service came when a priest invited all of the incoming freshmen (the Class of 2014) to stand in the main aisle of the church. Since the church was built in the form of a cross, the students were standing in that shape in front of us. The priest then asked us to raise our hands in blessing upon them, and we all prayed together for them. It was a deeply moving moment.

The freshmen were dismissed to precede parents and family members out of the sanctuary, and after they had left, another priest addressed us in this way:  "Brothers and sisters, here's the deal..." He told us that he knew that our children are the greatest gifts that God has bestowed upon us, and that it was with great love and effort that we had brought them to this place. He thanked us for trusting the faculty and staff with our children's care, and promised that they would be loved, supported and nurtured at Gonzaga. He said a number of things that helped me. When we walked out of the sanctuary, our freshman were waiting for us, applauding us. Powerful teaching - powerful mentoring - was already beginning at the university.

We have been supporting and preparing David for this day since he started at the Children's Garden Montessori Preschool. He has tremendous gifts and potential, and we are thrilled, excited and happy for him.

God bless you, David! We are proud of you.

Here is the "Mission Statement" from Gonzaga's website.

It's long, but it's worth reading.

"Gonzaga University belongs to a long and distinguished tradition of humanistic, Catholic, and Jesuit education. We, the trustees and regents, faculty, administration and staff of Gonzaga, are committed to preserving and developing that tradition and communicating it to our students and alumni.

As humanistic, we recognize the essential role of human creativity, intelligence, and initiative in the construction of society and culture.

As Catholic, we affirm the heritage which has developed through two thousand years of Christian living, theological reflection, and authentic interpretation.

As Jesuit, we are inspired by the vision of Christ at work in the world, transforming it by His love, and calling men and women to work with Him in loving service of the human community.

All these elements of our tradition come together within the sphere of free intellectual inquiry characteristic of a university. At Gonzaga, this inquiry is primarily focused on Western culture, within which our tradition has developed.

We also believe that a knowledge of traditions and cultures different from our own draws us closer to the human family of which we are a part and makes us more aware of both the possibilities and limitations of our own heritage. Therefore, in addition to our primary emphasis on Western culture, we seek to provide for our students some opportunity to become familiar with a variety of human cultures.

In the light of our own tradition and the variety of human societies, we seek to understand the world we live in. It is a world of great technological progress, scientific complexity and competing ideologies. It offers great possibilities for cooperation and interdependence, but at the same time presents us with the fact of widespread poverty, hunger, injustice, and the prospect of degeneration and destruction.We seek to provide for our students some understanding of contemporary civilization; and we invite them to reflect with us on the problems and possibilities of a scientific age, the ideological differences that separate the peoples of the world, and the rights and responsibilities that come from commitment to a free society. In this way we hope to prepare our students for an enlightened dedication to the Christian ideals of justice and peace.

Our students cannot assimilate the tradition of which Gonzaga is a part nor the variety of human culture, nor can they understand the problems of the world, without the development and discipline of their imagination, intelligence, and moral judgment. Consequently, we are committed at Gonzaga to developing these faculties. And since what is assimilated needs to be communicated if it is to make a difference, we also seek to develop in our students the skills of effective writing and speaking.

We believe that our students, while they are developing general knowledge and skills during their years at Gonzaga, should also attain more specialized competence in at least one discipline or profession.

We hope that the integration of liberal humanistic learning and skills with a specialized competence will enable our graduates to enter creatively, intelligently, and with deep moral conviction into a variety of endeavors, and provide leadership in the arts, the professions, business, and public service.

Through its academic and student life programs, the Gonzaga community encourages its students to develop certain personal qualities: self-knowledge, self-acceptance, a restless curiosity, a desire for truth, a mature concern for others, and a thirst for justice.

Many of our students will find the basis for these qualities in a dynamic Christian faith. Gonzaga tries to provide opportunities for these students to express their faith in a deepening life of prayer, participation in liturgical worship and fidelity to the teachings of the Gospel. Other students will proceed from a non-Christian religious background or from secular philosophic and moral principles.

We hope that all our graduates will live creative, productive, and moral lives, seeking to fulfill their own aspirations and at the same time, actively supporting the aspirations of others by a generous sharing of their gifts."

This is another reason I feel grateful that David is going to continue his education at G.U.

St. Aloysius Gonzaga

Today is the memorial day of St. Aloysius Gonzaga. I'm interested in him, because David will be attending the university that bears his name. The university is well-known in our state, but the origin of its name is not as familiar to those of us who are not Catholic nor alumni of the university.

You can learn more about St. Gonzaga here, here and here.

Aloysius Gonzaga (also known by his first name of Luigi, Luis or Louis) died a very young man (in his early 20s), and so is one of the patron saints of youth. When I looked him up online, one of the sites stated that he died on this day in 1591 in Rome, Italy, of "plague, fever, and desire to see God." That stopped me - he died of illness AND a desire to see God. That must have been a powerful desire, indeed.

Two of his writings were quoted: the first one is to Mary, the mother of Jesus, and the second is a letter to his own mother, Marta, before his death. Both of them are heart-felt and thought-provoking.

"O Holy Mary! My Mother; into thy blessed trust and special custody, and into the bosom of thy mercy, I this day, and every day, and in the hour of my death, commend my soul and body. To thee I commit all my anxieties and sorrows, my life and the end of my life, that by thy most holy intercession, and by thy merits, all my actions may be directed and governed by thy will and that of thy Son." - Saint Aloysius Gonzaga

"May the comfort and grace of the Holy Spirit be yours for ever, most honored lady. Your letter found me lingering still in this region of the dead, but now I must rouse myself to make my way on to heaven at last, and to praise God for ever in the land of the living; indeed I had hoped that before this time my journey there would have been over. If charity, as Saint Paul says, means “to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who are glad,” then, dearest mother, you shall rejoice exceedingly that God in his grace and his love for you is showing me the path to true happiness, and assuring me that I shall never lose him. Take care above all things, most honored lady, not to insult God’s boundless loving kindness; you would certainly do this if you mourned as dead one living face to face with God, one whose prayers can bring you in your troubles more powerful aid than they ever could on earth. And our parting will not be for long; we shall see each other again in heaven; we shall be united with our Savior; there we shall praise him with heart and soul, sing of his mercies for ever, and enjoy eternal happiness." - from a letter to his mother by Saint Aloysius Gonzaga

That second prayer has a deep message for me, personally. Seeing "God's boundless loving kindness" in his own impending death is quite a leap for anyone; to face his death - and its future impact on his mother, knowing that she would soon be grieving for him - with this insight and loving counsel for her is truly inspiring. What a heart of devotion and service he had! I have a feeling that Gonzaga will offer an education for me, too, as well as for David. For the "boundless loving kindness of God," I am thankful.

Tennis Season is Ending

This has already been a busy week.


On Monday, David participated in the League Tennis Tournament. That was an all-day event, in which he played two matches. I won't go into the details, but let's just say that there are players who are willing to cheat, repeatedly, when they are under pressure. I wonder what life has in store for young people who are willing to trade their integrity in order to win.  By the way, if you are interested in reading a well-written interview with such a person, hop over to http://www.vanityfair.com/ and read the article about Marc Dreier. It's a very illuminating cautionary tale, which I suggest should be required reading in high schools around the country (especially after seeing two young men - on different teams, at different events - cheating in sports this season).

Yesterday, I cleaned our house in preparation for the Tennis Team Banquet, which will take place in our home tonight. Since this is David's senior year, I thought it would be fun for us to host it; I'm finishing the preparations today. It looks as if we are going to have something like 45 or 50 people here!


Yesterday afternoon, I accompanied David to Seattle, where we met Gregg and drove to Bellevue to see a presentation about a college in which David is interested. It's a wonderful school, and I became tearful as I was listening to the students and faculty speaking about it. I'm so excited for David and this next "frontier" that awaits him. He is standing on the brink of discovery, challenges, adventure and opportunity:  it's thrilling to be a witness to this. College was all of that, and more, for me; I wish I had been more mature back then, but that's not the way it works when you are 18 and leaving home for the first extended period of time. So I watch him, and hound him to get all of his preparatory work completed in a timely manner, and watch some more.

I love being a mother.

Got to go and finish getting ready!

There is a new posting over at the Katie Gerstenberger Endowment blog.