Double Nickels

I turned 55 last week. To me, that's the "speed limit" birthday, but others have suggested that it also stands for "double nickels" - as you can see in the card I received from David:

On the morning of my birthday, Maribeth came over for a walk on "her" beach, and lunch in one of our favorite haunts...

...and then back to our house for a little "chill time" on the deck, and a quick visit with David and Gregg. Maribeth was the perfect "birthday presence," and I'm so grateful that she was able to spend it with me!

Late in the afternoon, our friend Linda arrived from Vienna. She was on her way to visit her family in California, and stayed with us for five days of fun.

Here we are at Burrata Bistro during my incredibly delicious (and oh-so-filling) birthday dinner...

 

...and this is the dessert tray which Burrata Bistro provided: blueberry tart, mocha creme caramel and tiramisu - with complementary glasses of port for everyone at the table!

Thank you, Kim and Alfonso!

Linda travels all over the world singing (her specialty is the operas of Richard Wagner). She was nominated for a Grammy award this year, and we enjoyed hearing all about her experiences at the ceremonies, parties and events surrounding the award show. Though she didn't win this time, it is quite an honor to be nominated at all - not to mention the privilege of attending the live concert, meeting and mingling with other artists.

We have a good time reminiscing about things we've done in the past, such as the time we went to the last concert given by the Commodores, before Lionel Richie went out on his own. We heard them perform in a small nightclub outside of Boston, with seats very close to the stage, and we were perhaps the only people not of African heritage in the club. And then there was the time I went to the church where Linda was a soloist, donning a choir robe, and standing next to her on the altar. I lip-synched along with hymns I didn't know, trying to be invisible. Not easy, standing next to the soloist, who happens to be about a foot taller than I.

On this visit, we went shopping for clothes and gifts, to the Pike Place Market in Seattle and to Port Townsend. We had our morning coffee together in the sun on the deck, barbecued dinners at home, and just relaxed. Linda had just come from an engagement in Seville, so it was good to be able to offer her a peaceful retreat by the sea.

You can tell that she and Gregg get along well...

 ...and share a sense of humor. 

She has known our kids since 2003, so she and David get on famously, as well.

My parents also love her, and took all of us to their club for dinner, after cocktail hour in their home.

On Monday, we went with my parents to Seattle to have a traditional (delicious) German dinner with a lovely couple whom Linda met when she sang in the Seattle Opera's production of Parsifal in 2003. Heidi and Hans are from Germany, adore Wagner's music and Linda's interpretation of it, and have become dear friends of hers - even traveling to Europe to hear her sing.

Here are Heidi and Hans with Linda on our deck in 2012 (my photos of the dinner at their house did not turn out well). We had a wonderful evening, and are so thankful to have met them through Linda. Music has the power to unite hearts across history, cultures, time zones and many miles.

All in all, a very happy birthday week, for which I'm grateful!

The Rest of the Story

Maribeth and others on stage with Beth Moore, illustrating "We, You & They" in Paul's 1st letter to the Thessalonians Maribeth was surprised to be asked to go up on the stage Saturday morning. Though she has a background of performing on stage, this particular invitation was not to perform something she had rehearsed. This was live, unscripted participation in something big. It was absolutely lovely for me to be present with her as she got to meet a teacher who has meant so much to her over the years. Saturday's session included prayer, music, worship and teaching. Again, I cried a great deal, with fresh sorrow and longing for Katie pouring out from deep inside of me. I felt broken open, my heart in God's hands. I could see that this kind of opening was taking place in other women, as well - there were many tears around the auditorium. A lot of emotion is generated when you get a group together and speak of the deepest relationships we have. The awakening of deep emotion itself is not necessarily to be trusted as a sign of lasting conversion, yet it can be a way of opening - to start fresh, to feel or see anew, to allow, to "turn around." So I let go, and just experienced it. And I listened, as Beth Moore challenged me to wonder if my prayer life, and my relationship with God, are producing fruit...fruit that will feed and nourish not just myself, but others - including those who have not yet met God who is Love. I have tried over the past five years to simply survive the cataclysmic events surrounding Katie's cancer diagnosis, treatment and death. To be frank, I have counted it success to still HAVE a relationship with God, after all that we went through. I have tried to rededicate my life to serving Him, as much as I am able. I try to do this daily, but I don't always accomplish it. I have not asked a great deal of myself in terms of growing in my faith, or in terms of sharing it with others; I have simply followed the road of gratitude and love, wherever it led, day by day. There is no shame or guilt in that; I did what I could do, and did it as faithfully as possible. Over these five years, I have felt called to serve the hospital, the cancer community and the grieving community. My book and the video are definitely fruits of that labor, and they are good. In Kansas City, I was moved to wonder in what field God might be calling me to work and serve Him now. I am not finished sharing the book; I have a marketing plan to implement. But perhaps the seeds of the next book are being planted; perhaps my work will grow beyond this particular field. I am reading Beth Moore's book, "Believing God;" it's not about believing IN God, but believing God's promises. I am listening, and doing my best to open my heart and mind to His message for me, NOW.  Latte, trying to absorb Beth Moore's book, "Believing God" by osmosis  These words of Father Rohr's resounded within me: "The Gospel of Mark (and all of the other gospels) leads up to Jesus finally standing alone, without anyone really comprehending what He’s talking about when He teaches on the “Reign of God.” Jesus realizes that He has to do it in His flesh. He’s got to stop talking about it. He’s got to let it happen. Maybe you’ve had the experience that it’s not until someone dies that we ask the ultimate questions, and that’s what we mean when we say Jesus had to die for us. It’s not that He had to literally pay God some price (unfortunately, many Christians understand it that way, as if the Father is standing up there in heaven with a big bill, saying, 'Until I get some blood, I’m not going to change my mind about the human race.'). That puts us in a terrible position in relation to God, and it can’t be true. As if God could not forgive without payment. It pulled God into our way of loving and forgiving which is always mercenary and tit for tat. "Quite simply, until someone dies, we don’t ask the big questions. We don’t understand in a new way. We don’t break through. The only price that Jesus was paying was to the human soul, so that we could break through to what is real and lasting." - Richard Rohr, Adapted from The Four Gospels (CD, MP3) Someone has died, and I am asking the big questions. Not only has Katie died, but part of the old Karen has, as well. What will this mean? I do not know, but I do know that asking God to "have at me" as I traveled produced a lot of movement in my life. I pray to be led very clearly and gently to the work that God has for me now.

Latte, getting "all up in my bi-ness" at home

Living Proof LIVE KC

When the worship music started - live and loud, led by Travis Cottrell - I was a bit stunned. The band was fantastic, with acoustic and electric guitars, bass, drums, two keyboards and five vocalists. They were singing Christian rock music, a genre of which I am mostly ignorant.

I was raised with traditional (old) hymns, and loved them; I have not heard a lot of Christian rock that I enjoy. There are a few songs ("Blessed Be Your Name" "Beautiful One") that have moved me deeply, but some of them are just a bit emotional for my comfort zone. I'm a Northerner - a Yankee - and I didn't realize how much of a Yankee I was until I began to feel as if I had stepped inside of an old-time tent revival meeting. There were huge video screens displaying words to the songs, and images from the life of Jesus. The power of the music, lyrics and visuals was nearly overwhelming.

I was quickly moved to tears. A huge wave of grief came over me, broke me open, and I was missing Katie openly and powerfully. In Kansas City with my closest girlfriend, at a worship service with 9,800 other women, I found myself longing for my girl so much that I could not control my tears. What was going on?

I suspect that God was accepting my invitation to Him to "have at me." The music, in a form with which I am not entirely comfortable, broke open my "hard candy shell" (Maribeth's term), and I had no choice but to surrender to it.

"Divine love is received by surrender instead of performance or perfection...If you keep listening to the love, if you keep receiving the love, trusting the love—even with all your limitations, with all your unworthiness, with all your limited intellect or whatever you feel holds you back—you start to experience within yourself a sense of possibility. "...be the "image and likeness of God" that you already are. We each are unlike any other image or likeness. God is saying to each of us, “All I want is for you to return to the Sender who you really are!” Ironically, it takes most of our life to find it and to accept it...As Mother Teresa loved to say, 'The only real success is faithfulness.' " - Richard Rohr, adapted from Following the Mystics through the Narrow Gate ...Seeing God in All Things

It was if I was being assaulted by a very bright light...blinking hard, a little bit stunned, pulling away and then giving in. It was undeniably a physical, emotional and spiritual experience, all at the same time. My "Yankee" head was trying to keep my heart at an intellectual distance from the overwhelming emotions of the unfamiliar style of worship: back and forth, pulling away and giving in.

When the music stopped and Beth opened the session, she issued a deep welcome to all of us. She prayed for all of us attending, she read excerpts from letters from some of those in the audience; she welcomed a group who had announced themselves as "God-haters," who were seated somewhere in the auditorium, and spoke lovingly to them. Beth assured them that God does not hate them. She pointed out that there were women from 26 states and a multitude of denominations (all Christian,  but quite varied) in the crowd.

Beth got on her knees and we all prayed together. Then, she began to teach out of the book of 1st Thessalonians, focusing on the concepts of "we, you and they" as Paul was using them, writing about himself/Silas/Timothy, the believers at Thessalonika and the world around them. It was illuminating. She asked a large church - Maribeth's church, one of the sponsors of the event - to select three people to represent the "we, you and they" for the next morning's session.

We returned to the hotel, talked about what we had learned, and why I was stricken so strongly with grief in that place. I realized that, though I am thankful to God for all that He has done for us, and thankful for all of His gifts, when I worship in a group (especially through music), I miss Katie more than ever. I miss our church life; I miss the community, and worshiping with my family; I miss our old life, and that includes being with my daughter, son and husband in church.

The emotions that praise music evoked brought out a huge conflict that has been hidden deep within my heart:  though I am glad that Katie is safe with God, I am terribly unhappy that she is not still here with us. In that auditorium, led by Beth Moore, and surrounded by women in fellowship, I found that I am not totally trusting God. I am not sure why this is, but suspect that it is because He has Katie, and I have not stopped wanting her back. I am in conflict. I still love Him, honor Him, am grateful to Him daily - but I am deeply hurt, to the point of tears, when I try to sing His praise - that her life was not spared. I miss the community that church represents, but I do not want to go back without my whole family. In that huge auditorium, standing next to my dear friend, I became aware of a tug of war inside of me. By the time the evening session was over, I was wiped out emotionally, and challenged spiritually.

And then Maribeth received the call, asking her to go up on stage in the morning as one of three women (out of 9,800) to represent the "you" in Paul's letter to the Thessalonians.

Things are BIG in Kansas

Before Friday night's session of Living Proof LIVE

I am 5'1" tall. I do not feel short, or lacking in stature...but when I looked around as we drove from the airport to Maribeth's house, everything looked - well, BIG - to me. The houses were big. The shopping malls were big. The churches were big. The boulevards were big. And it was flat.

Where I live, there are mountains all around us. The majestic Olympic mountains are to the west, the Cascades stand due east, Mount Baker to the north, and Mount Rainier to the south. You can tell what direction you're facing in Western Washington, if you know your mountains.

We also have a lot of water around us. Puget Sound is the body of water next to our house, but there are also many lakes and other bodies of water: Hood Canal, the Strait of Juan de Fuca, Lake Washington, Lake Union, Lake Sammamish - these are a few of the major ones. In Kansas, I saw a lazy, muddy river and a few streams. There were gorgeous, deep green deciduous trees covered with leaves, and lush grass growing everywhere. Magnolia trees were blooming. Birds were singing songs I had never heard before. Spring was in the air.

I lived in Illinois in 1980-81 as a college student, near a historic village on the bluffs of the Mississippi River. That was my first prolonged exposure to flat land and languid, muddy river waters, and it was an impressive experience of a different kind of natural beauty - bare deciduous trees in winter, clear blue skies over sparkling snow, plowed fields that stretched for miles like a patchwork quilt, an avenue of lilacs blooming in spring. I haven't been back to visit the area, and this "reunion" with that part of the country was a great pleasure.

Maribeth had a lot of activities planned for us. We went to her Pilates class, and out to lunch with her friends and her sister. We went to church for a Bible study, which she co-teaches. We helped to make blankets for charity, went to a fashion show, and visited her relatives. We ate meals with Alan, and we talked a lot. We played with Cissy. I loved entering Maribeth's life in Kansas.

Alan & MB introducing me to queso dip & lime margaritas
(note the photo-bomb-TV in the background!)

I had no idea what to expect from Beth Moore until I attended MB's Bible study class (in the biggest church I've ever seen). There was discussion and a video of Beth teaching, which was a good introduction to her lively, humorous, intense style. She is from a Baptist background; the study was held in a Methodist church, neither of which are familiar religions, to me. Beth Moore's sincerity, passion for God and women's ministry was evident.

On Friday afternoon, we packed a few things in the car and drove to Kansas City, where we checked into a hotel and met some of MB's friends. One of her friends, Amy, has a design business, and made beautiful t-shirts for this event. We wore them on Friday night to attend the first session of Beth Moore's Living Proof LIVE event.

Detail of the front side

The back

I love the color, the images and the message. If you'd like to see more of Amy's work, please visit her site, amelia's DESIGNS, and browse around.

Walking to the Civic Auditorium, I was impressed by the flood of women pouring along the streets and through the doors. When we found our seats, I looked around the huge space and wondered:  How could it be that so many women were willing to come together (on a Friday night, and half of Saturday) to hear this message? There was a cross-shaped stage in the center, enormous video screens suspended from the ceiling, stage lights, musical instruments for a live band, and seats all the way to the ceiling. The place filled up - it was completely sold out - and we saw many hot-pink t-shirts like ours all around. Then the lights went down, and the music started.

En Route

While I was away in Kansas, I wanted Gregg to be here to take care of the cats, the house, etc. Of course, he would go to work during the day, but I wanted him to experience what I do, when he goes away on a business trip. At first, he balked, and said that he would plan a business trip while I was away, but I persuaded him to reschedule it. He was kind enough to drive me to the airport on his way to a work meeting. It was my first flight alone in four years, and it felt weird to check in and go through security by myself.

As I was waiting to board the plane, Maribeth sent me a text message to say that Lilly (their Boston Terrier) had suddenly taken a turn for the worse, and had just died. I wondered if I should postpone my arrival, but she said, Don't be silly. So I boarded the plane, and settled in by the window, planning to mind my own business and read a book.

I don't like to talk to strangers on airplanes; I don't know why. It's such close quarters, and I like to pretend that I'm in my own little bubble. But do you remember (in the previous posting) when I said I had decided to "let God have at me" this week? Well, He didn't waste any time. The couple seated next to me were quiet for about half an hour, and then somehow, a conversation began between me and the wife.

She is a writer.
She has published two children's books, and is at work on another book. We discussed our books, and our reasons for writing them.
Her husband is a retired pastor, who served at a university which was attended by a number of Gregg's cousins, aunts and uncles.  They have lived in Norway in the same small town where Gregg has relatives.
We found we had a lot to talk about.

We discussed our spiritual backgrounds, our families, and more. I said that I was going to visit a friend who had registered us for a Christian women's conference; I didn't know what to expect from this conference, but I knew that the speaker was a teacher and writer whom Maribeth admires and loves. That was enough for me to give it a try...and part of agreeing to let God do whatever He wanted to do with me.

By the end of the flight, I had received a great deal of encouragement, and thoroughly enjoyed this couple and our conversation. It was a good beginning to my trip. I could feel God at work in love, and my heart lifted.

I gathered my bag and backpack, and walked outside of the airport to look for Maribeth. I had no idea that in just a few days I would be watching her get up on stage in front of 9,800 women...nor did she.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore

...but that's where I've been for five action-packed days. I went to visit Maribeth, a.k.a. MB, who you  will recognize, if you've read my book.

Maribeth grew up in Kansas, and when her husband, Alan, was offered a job there, they moved back, after living here for about 10 years. I must say, while I was happy for them, I was sad for myself. Maribeth and I had a deep and rewarding friendship. We laughed hard, prayed together, shared family joys and difficulties, partied, celebrated and supported each other. She was with us throughout Katie's cancer journey, having survived cancer herself. She "got it." No words were needed, but all words were acceptable. A true-blue friend.

The silver lining on the cloud of her moving is the fact that she comes back to Washington often because her (young adult) children still live here. I love to host her in our home, and there is nothing better than sipping morning coffee in your jammies with a friend you haven't seen in months, or staying up late, drinking wine and talking about everything under the sun. I always love it when she visits. When she invited me to come to stay with her in Kansas, I jumped at the opportunity.

Part of the significance of the timing of my visit was the fact that Beth Moore, a Bible teacher who founded Living Proof Ministries, was coming to K.C. to speak and worship. MB has told me about Beth Moore for years, but I never opened one of her books nor visited her website. This was an opportunity to hear her speak, and to be inspired by a new kind of worship experience.

If you are a regular reader here, you will know that I tend toward the contemplative and mystical aspects of Christianity. I have been over the map from Christian Science to Presbyterian to Catholic to Buddhist & Sufi, and I was blessed by all of them at one time or another - and some are still blessing me. What I haven't experienced is Southern Christianity, and this event was a revelation on many levels. I am going to share more about that in the coming days.

Starting at the beginning, I decided to let God "have at me" on this trip. I had had a few unsettling encounters here which I needed to let go, and this trip came at just the right time. I opened myself to whatever God wanted to do with me, "unplugged" from my everyday life, let Gregg take on the responsibilities of home that I shoulder when he is overseas on business, and packed to leave.

As I was waiting at the gate to board the plane, Maribeth texted me with the devastating news that their sweet Lilly (a Boston Terrier, beloved by all) had died. What an awful way for her and Alan to start the day, and to have a guest arrive in the midst of it! But they welcomed me in spite of their grief, and we all showered their baby Boxer, Cissy, with extra love and attention.

I have never had a puppy in my life, and I fell in love with this one.

I miss her!

More to come...

It Was Fun While it Lasted

Maribeth is on her way back to the midwest.

We had a good visit.
Latte adores MB;
she's his "girlfriend." Liger likes her, too, but Latte is the alpha male, so he has priority. Unfortunately, Latte killed a mouse last night, and proceeded to eat part of it (right in plain view - while sitting on top of the barbecue - ick!), so he didn't get any kisses after that.

MB & Alan's lovely daughter,Taylor, came over & spent last night here. It was wonderful to see her, too. She's da bomb.
Tay is one of Katie's favorite teens in the world. Katie looked up to her as an example of style and fun. She loved hanging out with Taylor and her friends, listening, sharing stories, being with the "older girls."

This photo is from a trip we took together, to hear James Taylor perform at the Gorge Amphitheater (on the bluffs of the Columbia River), in 2005. We spent the night in Leavenworth, a small town on the Wenatchee River. Taylor brought a friend along, and Katie had a blast while we floated down the river, having "girl talks" with them.

Tay & Katie spent some sweet hours together when Katie was very sick, watching movies, chatting or just doing nothing, but enjoying the togetherness.

We love you & your family, MB!

Maribeth Was Here

You probably know by now that my dear friend, Maribeth, & her husband, "Big Al," moved from Bainbridge to Kansas City last year. They had lived here for nearly 10 years, and their children grew up and went to school here; the youngest graduated from high school right before the move.

Since both of her kids are going to college in this state, MB has been back to visit several times during the year. This is the one thing that has made her move bearable, from my point of view, and I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

It would be hard to overstate how much I love

this woman. She is hilarious, fun, serious, irreverent, courageous, full of spice, stylish, strong, talented, creative, faithful, honest, loyal, loves children & animals...I could go on and on about the things I have learned about her character in the decade or so that I've known her.

Katie loved her tremendously, and MB was one of the few people who knew exactly how to be with us throughout EVERYTHING that we experienced on the cancer journey. We were already close, but that experience took us to a place where few will go together. Maybe it's because she is a cancer survivor herself, so she doesn't dramatize, pity or act weirdly about any of it. Maybe it's because she is so incredibly honest that she cannot tolerate (or generate) bullsh*t. Perhaps it's just her character, but whatever it is, she was fabulous company on the journey through hell and beyond. It changed our friendship forever, and I can't tell you how happy & profoundly grateful I am to be her friend.

Maribeth arrived on Tuesday night, late. When she comes to town, she stays in Katie's room, which Katie would LOVE; we all love it. She and Katie had a very happy, snappy and loving rapport, and I know Katie would be thrilled to share her room with MB.

We get up in the morning and have coffee, stay up late in our p.j.s talking, and hang out with my guys. It's a treat, and a kind of vacation when she visits.

The funniest part is walking through town together. We were doing a couple of errands yesterday, and it seemed as if every few feet that we walked, we encountered someone who felt they had witnessed a sort of miracle when they saw her. The hugs! The exclamations! The joy! It makes me smile hugely, every time, to witness the delight that people feel when they see her; I feel the same way.

Because she is an multifaceted person, she has friends all over the community, who know her from her varied activities of (among other things) knitting, working out, church groups, school volunteering, and theatre (visible here in two of many productions). It's lovely to see how much she is loved (and missed) in our community. She gave so generously of her time and talents here that she left a huge void when she moved. (The next time she comes, I'm thinking of making a float and pulling it behind my car through town. I'd love to see her do her parade wave, cheerleader kicks, and really WORK it! Okay, I'm kidding)

Of course, we had to go to the beach...one of our favorite pastimes. We both collect beach glass, and keep it in HUGE glass jars in our homes...except that hers is packed away, at the moment.

So we went to one of our favorite beaches, where I've taken my kids over the years for walks and picnics, and we walked and talked and laughed and picked up glass. The big news is that she found her first-ever Indian bead (like the ones I mentioned in a previous post)!

Now she's off to visit her kids for a few days, and then we'll have one more quick visit, before she flies back to Kansas (and Big Al).

It's great to have you back, B*B*ly! XO

Celtic Prayer

Thanks, MB.
Perfect timing.
XO

Katie's 14th Birthday

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Thank you for sharing your memories of Katie, and the many sweet messages you sent to us.
It was a hard day yesterday, but not for the reason you’d think. It was hard because we weren’t in agreement as to how to spend the day, but that wasn’t readily apparent, so it became an unpleasant undercurrent.

I have been thinking about Katie’s birthday for a long time, and trying to figure out a good way to spend it. It’s the day she was born, a big day for any person, especially from the mother’s point of view! I can remember certain specific things about the night before she arrived, going into labor, discussing how close the contractions were on the phone with the midwife. Since we lived about an hour and a half from the hospital, and there was a ferry ride in the middle of that journey, I was a bit concerned that we allow PLENTY of time. It took 36 hours for me to deliver David, and he was finally brought into the world via caesarian section, so we didn’t know what to expect the second time around. In those days, they encouraged V-BACs, so we were going to take that route.

We packed up David’s things (and Katie’s, in anticipation), and took David to my parents’ house around 9:00 p.m. Gregg & I had an argument on the way to the ferry dock, with me asking for him to call ahead and have them “hold the boat,” so we could get right on without waiting, and Gregg refusing (saying that knowing me, there was NO WAY that baby would come before we got to the hospital). I told him, “You don’t argue with a woman in labor!” but you know what? He did, and he won. He was right; Katie was born around noon the next day, but fellas, I still say, Don’t argue with a woman in labor.

Katie was born comfortably (with the help of drugs & support from Gregg & the nurses), and we were overjoyed. It was one of the best days of our lives.

Looking back, I know that I wanted to celebrate that gift. I wanted to recall and revel in the joy that her arrival & her life brought into our family. I wanted to give her the special day, belonging only to her, that she deserves. I can’t help it that she isn’t here to share it; it still feels right and respectful to honor HER DAY.

I asked Gregg & David repeatedly what they wanted to do for her birthday; neither of them had any ideas. They told me each time that I asked that it didn’t matter to them what we did, and that they would do whatever I had planned.

It hurt me to be planning this celebration alone; it hurt. Who can you talk to about that? Who understands how this feels? Who knows how to hold sacred space around such pain? The week leading up to her birthday was very painful and lonely for me, because of these emotions.

I have intentionally chosen a large measure of solitude since Katie first got sick, simply because I cannot have people close to me who cannot cope with this. I cannot carry other people anymore. I used to feel that I had such a surplus of joy and love in my life that it was only right to share what I could with others, and it gave me pleasure to do so. That overflowing of joy and love is from God, and I felt that He wanted me to spread it around, and not hoard it; I still believe this. But for now, it’s all I can do on many days to just take care of myself and my family. I don’t have a sense of balance, - not consistently, anyway - so I keep a lot of solitude. It makes sense, at this point.

Last week, I needed people who could deal with this pain, and God provided what I needed, but not without disappointments and dark voids in between the moments of good companionship. There was suffering, and there were moments of relief. The pain was tangible, and it felt like “two steps forward, one step back.” I felt hot, searing emotions that reminded me of the first months after Katie’s passing. It wasn’t easy to ride it out, but into the void, God brought what I needed.

Yesterday, as I was attempting to create a day of honoring our girl, David had an unstoppable need to ski. I didn’t want him to resent her birthday, so off he went at 6:30 in the morning. He called from the road, and wished me a “Happy Katie’s Birthday,” which was very sweet. He returned in the late afternoon, so that we could go to her bench at Waterfront Park with balloons and set them free.

Gregg & I slept in, had our coffee and breakfast, and went for a beautiful, long walk. We shopped to buy groceries and 14 balloons for Katie. After David returned from the mountains, we drove downtown to Katie’s bench, took photos and let the balloons go, one by one.

As we got nearer to the park, Gregg became grumpy. I felt something was amiss, and –DUH!- suspected what it was. We set the balloons free, and if I posted all of the photos, you would see it clearly in his body language: arms at his sides, face turning away, angry expressions – mixed in with photos of his beautiful, sweet smile.

David and I enjoyed letting go of the balloons, one by one, and watching how fast they flew upward, and how high. I said, “Happy Birthday, Katie” sending wishes for her over & over again. It was a beautiful day, with sunshine and a variety of dramatic clouds in the blue sky. When the balloons were all gone, we drove to Dairy Queen to pick out an ice cream cake, which is one of Katie’s favorite birthday desserts. We came home and made dinner, and Gregg seemed to perk up. We ate slices of the cake for dessert. After dinner, Gregg and I looked at photos of the old days; David didn’t want to do that with us. When the photos had been put away, David and I chose a movie that Katie loved (“The Devil Wears Prada”), and watched it together. It’s a funny movie, and we enjoyed laughing at it. Gregg sat with us, but chose not to watch.

It was as if we couldn’t “get it together,” literally. Everyone wanted something different to happen, and I felt like I was breaking into pieces, trying to create something lovely that just wasn’t going to happen.

When we were getting ready for bed last night, I realized that, although he had not said one word to try to stop me, or to change the course of the day, Gregg’s actions and attitude had said what he was unable to say: he had hated what we were doing, and was just going along with it. He was unhappy about the whole thing, but had not protested verbally; he had protested in his attitude. And by the time he showed that attitude, the “celebrations” were already in motion; by the time I understood what was going on, they were finished.

It gave me enormous pain, at the end of Katie’s birthday, to realize that Gregg would rather not mark the day at all. He would rather have waited for it to be over, than celebrated her birth and her short life. At this point in his grief journey, he doesn’t feel the way I feel about this day, and he couldn’t verbalize it at the time. We can't verbalize things we don't know, and he wasn't aware that he felt this way, until it was already happening.

I tried to honor my daughter’s memory, and I ended up dishonoring my husband’s feelings, without ever intending to do so, or knowing what was in his heart. He has since been able to tell me what was going on inside of him, which helps me to understand. Men grieve differently than women do, and individuals grieve uniquely; we know that, and we allow for it, in our family. We are normally very much in synch with one another, but there is nothing “normal” about these circumstances.

This is yet another aspect of what Maribeth sarcastically calls "The gift that keeps on giving." When she says that, it always makes me smile. I know that we will get through this together; our family is a loving, strong and close one, in spite of this pain. We are still learning how to live with each other in pain. And I'm thankful that I have sweet memories of Katie's life with us.

Maribeth's Visit

We've had a busy week here...Maribeth left this morning; it was great to have her here. We went to Seattle to see her lovely, sweet daughter, Taylor. We had dinner together, and watched a dance performance at the basketball game...

went to see the new movie, "He's Not That Into You" (I liked it, and I go to about 2 movies a year in a theater);

went out to dinner at the Burrata Bistro (Kim & Alfonso's new restaurant) with Angela & Bev:

where the atmosphere is wonderful,



and the food is even better! If you live in the area, I recommend it. Here is Alfonso, tending bar:






It was so good to sit on the couch with Maribeth, talking into the wee hours...to relax together, face to face, just like we used to do. I'm so thankful that she is able to come back to visit, and stay with us. We (including Latte) miss you already, MB!


David is having a good week in Washington, D.C. The group has been taking in many historic sights: Mt. Vernon, the National Cathedral, Arlington National Cemetery, The Supreme Court, The National Archives, The Smithsonian, The Washington Monument, the Capitol. There have been many text messages, a few phone calls and lots of photos taken. I can't wait to see him, and his photos! He sounds as if he is enjoying all of the sights he is seeing and what he is learning. He even saw President Obama, outside of Ford's Theater yesterday! Talk about living history. This evening was the beginning of the Model UN sessions. It will be fun to hear all about that.

Silver Sky Monday & Hopeful Parents

This morning, there was a silver sunrise...

...and snow on the ground when I got up! Maribeth & I had lunch together (something I miss a lot since she moved to Kansas) and then we tooled around Bainbridge a bit. She is now with her daughter for the evening.

I sent my first piece in to Hopeful Parents. If you are interested in reading it, it will be posted on the site tomorrow!

We have received a lot of text messages from David, who is having a wonderful time in Washington, D.C. He has sent some phone pics (I hope he is using the real camera some of the time) that are beautiful, though compact. It's so exciting to hear his impressions of historic sites; I can hardly wait to hear the longer version (verbal, instead of text).

I'll try to get some photos with Maribeth and post them later this week, but so far, none have been taken. It's hard to remember to take photos when we are doing normal, everyday things, even though I know she is going to leave soon...