Friday, June 6, 2008

The Lamp

Every weekday morning for the past several years (other than in the hospital and RMcDH), I have set my alarm to awaken me earlier than the kids; I have come downstairs to sit on the couch, have a cup of coffee, read "spiritual stuff" and pray. At that time of the morning, Gregg is on his way to work, so the house is quiet and I enjoy the peace and solitude.I have a small lamp next to my favorite spot on the couch, so that I don't have to turn on the overhead lights. The lamp-light is soft. I remembered this morning that the reason I kept the light soft was so as not to wake Katie. Her room has interior windows that overlook the living room and family room. If I turned on the main lights, she would wake up and come downstairs.

I wanted her to have her rest. And I wanted my time "alone with God."

I thought today, I don't need to worry about waking her anymore.

Now, I would give anything to have her come and "interrupt" my prayer time, just to have her beside me.
Maybe I would benefit from listening to the "interruptions" with as much love, intention and presence as I give to my plans. I wish I could do that right now.


Smileygirl said...

Sending you thoughts of love and peace to comfort you. I love the soft glow of that lamp and the serene setting of the table. Is that all your sea glass you guys found inside the lamp?

karengberger said...

Yes, that's just a little bit of what we've collected over the years. (Some day they are going to find me under a pile of beach glass at my house, like the stories you read about people in NYC being found under a pile of newspapers and cat food...)
Thank you for the loving thoughts.

The Engine of the Family said...

Hi Karen,
Thanks so much for all your sweet comments and posts. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Laurie Keller said...

At the time of her sudden death, from an aneurysm, my sister, Wendy, was suffering from a crippling case of fibromialgia. She was unable to work and unable to qualify for disability so Mom, Ron and I spent quite a bit of money keeping her afloat financially. Recently my Mom said to me that she had so much more money these days, since helping Wendy was no longer necessary. Then she immediately said, "But you know, I would give it all up and then some just to have her back again". And I thought and felt how true that was ... that in the death of our loved one, we would welcome any type of inconvenience or in your case, the interruption, just to be back in the life that at one time included them. Most of the time it's the could have's, should have's, and would have's that shut me down with regard to Wendy. And even though I did so much, I can often beat myself up for not having done more ... like bringing her to Houston to live with us and spending even more money trying to get her well. But I quickly remind myself then that she is no longer suffering, and that everything is just as God intended. I know that she is in Heaven and that is not a place where our loved ones spend their time obsessing over these things. I think it's our duty to ourselves and to their memory to move on, to focus on the blessing of once having had them here on earth. Thank you for making me pause today, and again, reminding me that I am not alone. I have done some of my most important healing since I have crossed your path. And that makes me very happy!