Friday, June 6, 2008

Reading Matter

If I told you what I was reading right before Katie got sick, you would think that I was lying. But I am not.

I was reading
"What Remains" by Carole Radziwill,

"Send Me Someone" by Diana von Welanetz Wentworth and

"Livestrong: Inspirational Stories From Cancer Survivors - From Diagnosis To Treatment and Beyond."

I chose these books for various reasons, but mostly because it was a year after Diane had died, and I still wanted to understand more of what had happened, and to learn from it.

Now I wonder if I wasn't impelled to read them for other reasons, having something to do with being prepared for what was about to happen in our lives...without my knowledge, being given a desire to learn what I needed to know.

Yesterday, I checked out "What Remains" and "Send Me Someone" from the library again, for the first time since I read them in 2006. I am re-reading "What Remains" first. It resonates so strongly with me that I don't quite know how to tell you about it. I understand what she was talking about now, so much better than I did before. The hospital terminology, the descriptions of the ICU, the supply closets, the drug protocols, meetings with doctors; the isolation of the situation, even when you are surrounded by dozens of people. I feel for her profound loneliness after the death of her husband and his cousins, because then she was the only one left who really knew.
For me to have been led to read these books makes me think that Someone was watching over me in deep Love, preparing me in a gentle, personal way for what could (apparently) not be changed or avoided. I don't know, but it feels true.


Smileygirl said...

Makes you wonder sometimes how we are led to things or how things happen to find us. One day we'll understand what this big plan is about after all.

Dreamer girl said...

Things like that really make us feel that their are things at work besides our own path. TO tell you the truth with my son Jack who has been seriously ill before, I feel this inner voice reminding me constantly to enjoy every second with him. Maybe, it's just because he almost died once. That experience has forever changed me in many ways. Having him hurt hurt me in this worst way imaginable. What you feel for your children is the most strongest connection. It's like running out of minutes on the parking meter and you don't want a ticket. Scary stuff that is quite hard to deal with at times. In fact, you are one of the first people I have told that I have these feelings of deja vu constantly. But, the biggest peace I can find when I feel these scary moments is that there is a God who loves me and gives me messages if I stay tuned but also that I have many people around to learn from. Unfortunately, sometimes I just don't want to hear the message. So, it is a tug of war. One that I will continue to work on.
You have inspired me with your words to even more appreciate what I have and I want to thank you for doing that. You have such quiet wisdom. I don't know how to accurately describe it. But, it works and I am thankful to partake it it.

LeighAnn said...

No one should have to know about those experiences. I'm so sorry you have that knowledge, but things happen for a reason and you were compelled to read those books which brought you strength that you didn't even know you were going to need.


KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN said...

Oh dear terrible that you and your family had to wade through this torrent of life. But, I'm with Laura, one day God will help us understand it all.

I love your sea glass lamp and the little section just for Katie. Beautiful.

By the way, how about posting a picture of the handprints in the concrete? I'd love to see it, as I'm sure the rest of your Blogistani friends would.

My prayers are with you.

karengberger said...

KBL, I just took a photo of the handprints and will post it, with a link to yours.
Thanks, dear commenters, for the kind encouragement. I love reading your comments.