The reading I encountered yesterday triggered something in me, and I think it's worth noting. Of course, I noted it on our private blog, but I am going to share it here, as well, because if you are grieving, you might find yourself falling down a "rabbit hole" like this one some day, (or, as my friend Karen J. called it, a "dark alley"), and I want you to know that you are not alone. These memories and triggers lurk everywhere in plain sight, and we have to learn to live with them. But sometimes, they knock me down, and that's what happened yesterday.
The reading was fine - it was lovely, in fact - about invisible guides/guardians on our journey. It was the guided meditation that got to me.
If I think of guidance and protection as "saving from harm," then no way does it work. But if I think of guidance and protection as loving presence, maybe it does. Perhaps our companions or guardians were not so much invisible, as visible. Perhaps they were not there to "protect" Katie and us, in the sense of preventing what was to come, but in the sense of loving assistance and presence.
I went to see my spiritual director yesterday afternoon, and we discussed this further. I was overwhelmed with a variety of concerns and emotions. I cried and cried until I was exhausted. Then I went home and served dinner to my husband and his parents. I went to bed tense and weeping inwardly, missing Katie, and longing for the feeling of her cheek against mine.
This morning when I arose, I was still exhausted, sad and subdued, but I had a bit more hope than I did yesterday. I decided to try and finish the meditation that I had thrown aside:
"Enter the sacred dwelling place and find an enriching sense of peace. Stay there for as long as you wish. When you leave the sacred dwelling place, renew your desire to give your entire self to the Holy One and to the journey of your growth." p. 106, Joyce Rupp, Open the DoorWhile I couldn't do this on my own in meditation yesterday, it did happen in my spiritual director's office. Sometimes we need the help of another, and I am thankful to have that in my spiritual director, in friends and family. Just as in the reading, the guides ARE with us. Perhaps I am more in tune with the visible guides than the invisible ones, right now.