Willingness to Look, and Not Turn Away

Richard Rohr has posted recently about taking a bit of an illness to help in curing it, sort of like a vaccination. There is biblical precedent for this in the book of Numbers (Chapter 21:4-9). If you would like to know more about the history of this symbol, there are articles about it on Wikipedia.

"How can gazing upon the crucified God transform us?

"This deep gazing upon the mystery of divine and human suffering is found in the prophet Zechariah in a very telling text that became a prophecy for the transformative power of the victims of history, and for those who identify with them.

"He calls Israel to 'Look upon the pierced one and to mourn over him as for an only son,' and 'weep for him as for a firstborn child,' and then 'from that mourning' (five times repeated) will flow 'a spirit of kindness and prayer' (Zechariah 12:10) and 'a fountain of water' (Zechariah 13:1; 14:8).

"I believe we are invited to gaze upon the image of the crucified to soften our hearts toward God, and to know that God’s heart has always been softened toward us, even and most especially in our suffering. This softens us toward ourselves and all others who suffer.

"Today we experience it in grief. Grief, like few other things, allows us to open our hearts to the pain of others, and even to our own deep pain. Almost like nothing else. Grief is often God’s medicine for people who are otherwise closed down."

-Richard Rohr, adapted from Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality, p. 192

It's amazing to me to think about how far I have traveled, away from the "denial" culture of Christian Science. There are two illustrations that stand out, for me. The first was during the illness of a beloved mentor, Marie Poulsen. Marie was a mother and a Christian Science practitioner who helped me on my spiritual path after David was born by Ceasarian section. To a devout Christian Scientist, having a surgical delivery was a BIG failure of faith. That's one reason why I didn't give in to the idea of surgery during my 36 hours of labor, until David showed signs of distress in the womb. THEN, I allowed them to deliver him via surgery. But  I felt a huge burden of guilt, as if I had been totally unfaithful to God - literally guilty, as if I had had an affair.

 

After Marie helped me to sift through all of those toxic emotions, she prayed with me daily while I was pregnant with Katie, and through Katie's delivery. She was a huge comfort. She was also helping to care for one of her daughters, who was suffering through cancer at the time. Marie's daughter died, and then Marie herself fell ill.

 

I visited her at her home, brought a meal, and wondered how to help a devout Christian Science practitioner who was clearly very sick. My mom and I visited Marie when she eventually moved into a Christian Science "nursing home." That visit changed my life.

 

I had never felt so powerless, horrified and angry at the helpless feeling of seeing the suffering of someone I loved. From my perspective, she needed much more help than she was getting. I had been in some kind of denial until I saw Marie at that care facility. Head out of the sand, Ostrich! I felt deep intuition that she was dying, and it came as a horrible shock. Lesson number one: certain choices allow suffering to go untreated. I wanted no part of that kind of life. I left Christian Science shortly after that, and began to attend Bible Study Fellowship classes, and then, a Presbyterian church. We joined the church, and David, Katie and I were baptised there.

The second experience that changed my life forever was the death of my mother-in-law's twin brother and his wife in an auto accident. This was caused by a drunk driver who had committed several other offenses. Uncle Buddy and Auntie Joyce were killed just before midnight, on the night before Father's Day. I had begun learning about the "Paschal Mystery" by that time. I learned about standing at the foot of someone else's cross, as Mary had stood at the foot of her son's cross, and not looking away in denial. It was the opposite of Christian Science.

 

Seeing Buddy & Joyce's adult children's grief at their double memorial service was so deeply tragic, and so hurtful that I became very ill. But it was a lesson in compassion; I knew that I needed to learn how to be with people who were in trouble, without looking away. I wanted to be a trustworthy and reliable comforter. I took six months of training in Stephen Ministry shortly afterward, and served for several years as a Stephen Minister at our church. It was a deeply rewarding and humbling experience.

Today's reading from Father Rohr reminded me of these experiences. I am thankful that I had preparation and training, before Katie's illness, to help me learn to look into painful situations and not turn away or deny them.

I am thankful that I was taught about the mystery of suffering, and was able to stay right beside Katie throughout hers, knowing that God was present in it with us, even when I couldn't always see or feel Him. Now, as the mother of a daughter who has died, I'm thankful that I can face what is, what was, and work to try to make things better here on earth. If I face into the truth, perhaps I can be part of a healing movement. I pray that I can.