Monday, January 26, 2009

Dear Lord, Help, Please

We had a quiet weekend. Andrea & Mike came down, so it was great to have a visit with family. We stopped in to see the progress on our next-door neighbor's bistro, which is due to open this week! We had some research to do for travel planning, and we did that on the computer, with maps and books, including a stop at the public library on Sunday for more books to consult. Gregg and I were able to go walking on both Saturday and Sunday, for about 5 miles each day. David joined us on Saturday; on Sunday, he had to do homework while we were out. This is "Finals Week" for him, with only 4 days of school. He had a friend over for dinner last night, which is always nice.

I slept a long time, both Friday night and Saturday night. I'm tired again today, which makes me wonder if I'm fighting a bug, or just responding to the stream of grief that is welling up in me again. Some days are okay, since I am growing used to the pain of missing Katie. Some days feel as if I will never fully adjust to the ongoing hurt of living without her. There are times when I wonder how I am going to survive the rest of my life, missing her so much.

It might have something to do with the fact that we recently learned that Andrea and Mike are expecting a baby. We are THRILLED for them & for their parents, & we're looking forward to meeting the newest member of the family when he or she arrives. {I'm selfishly hoping that they might decide to move back here again, so that they will be closer to all of the family.} I love and miss Andrea & Mike.

For some reason, knowing that Andrea is going to become a mother made me miss Katie more sharply. I can think of several possibilities, but the most important thing is just to acknowledge the pain right now. Here it is: PAIN.

I lay awake last night, after Gregg went to sleep, going over moments of Katie's childhood in my mind, and wishing I could have every one of them back again, wishing I could re-live each moment in her presence with more love and attention. If I had known that I was going to have to let her go at the age of 12, what would I have done differently? Probably nothing, because what would clinging to her for her whole life accomplish? She would have hated that, and it's not in my character, either. The whole point of parenting seems to be to equip them to leave us in a healthy and natural way ("planned obsolescence" is the term, I think). But, dear Lord, to have to let her leave us at the age of 12, when none of us was really ready! Lord, you must know how this hurts my heart; you know what it did to those who have come before me. You know. Help me, please. Help me to want to live this life for You, for those who are left here with me. Help Gregg, help David, help all with hurting hearts. Dear Lord, help us all. Amen.

7 comments:

Kay said...

Oh Karen.. I'm so sorry you're hurting today (and every day, I know). I don't have magic words, other than I know your pain (although sometimes I wonder if it's different with sons than daughters.. dunno.. but every little thing makes one wonder sometimes, ya know) and I'm praying for you. Keep calling out. God is the only thing that can give peace and settle a broken heart.

Hugs to you today!
~kay

Smileygirl said...

Sweet friend I was thinking about that, when you found out about their new baby, would it be painful to relive the memories, feelings and emotions. Even though it doesn't dull the pain I think it's so healthy for you to recognize these moments and allow yourself the feelings associated with them. Even if that means you just need some time alone to sit with yourself and let the feelings wash over you.

Praying for moments of calm peace to lessen the pain just a little.

Love you.

Busy Bee Suz said...

My heart aches for you...for your loss. I am sending warm thoughts and prayers for your pain to lessen....
Suz.

Grandma J said...

I pray that He eases your pain by filling that dark empty hole in your heart with His grace, love and perfect sweet memories of Katie.

God bless you and your family.

Jennifer said...

Holding you in my thoughts today, Karen. So many different ways/triggers for Pain to make its presence known. I join the others here in crying out for you. I pray that the constancy of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit's presence would coexist with that Pain, temper it and redeem it in time.

Peace to you.

Jennifer

Maggie said...

Karen, I wish with all my heart that there was something I could do or say to ease your pain. I'm so sorry. I will continue to lift you up to Lord.

Karla W. said...

I wish I could give you a great big hug!