"...The Greatest of These is Love"

Last night, it was my pleasure to address the Women's Fellowship Dinner at Rolling Bay Presbyterian Church. Rolling Bay was our beloved church home for many years; it's the place where David, Katie, my mother and I received the sacrament of baptism. I was asked to post the talk on my blog, so (not including off-the-cuff additions), here it is.

"The Greatest of These is Love"

"If I speak with the eloquence of men & of angels, but have no love, I become no more than blaring brass or crashing cymbal. If I have the gift of foretelling the future & hold in my mind not only all human knowledge but the very secrets of God, & if I also have that absolute faith which can move mountains, but have no love, I amount to nothing at all. If I dispose of all that I possess, yes, even if I give my own body to be burned, but have no love, I achieve precisely nothing.

 This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience—it looks for a way of being constructive. It is not possessive: it is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance.

Love has good manners & does not pursue selfish advantage. It is not touchy. It does not keep account of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good men when truth prevails.

Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen. 

For if there are prophecies they will be fulfilled & done with, if there are “tongues” the need for them will disappear, if there is knowledge it will be swallowed up in truth. For our knowledge is always incomplete & our prophecy is always incomplete, & when the complete comes, that is the end of the incomplete.

When I was a little child I talked & felt & thought like a little child. Now that I am a man my childish speech & feeling & thought have no further significance for me.

At present we are men looking at puzzling reflections in a mirror. The time will come when we shall see reality whole & face to face! At present all I know is a little fraction of the truth, but the time will come when I shall know it as fully as God now knows me!

In this life we have three great lasting qualities—faith, hope & love. But the greatest of them is love." 1 Corinthians 13, J.B. Phillips New Testament

This Bible passage is quoted so often – read frequently at weddings – that I wonder if people tend to tune out when they hear those first words.

But it has special meaning, for me.

There was a great preacher named Henry Drummond, who lived from 1851-1897, & wrote a little book illuminating this passage called, "The Greatest Thing in the World." This book was given to me by a dear Sunday School teacher when I was 11 years old. I have it with me to this day - carried through a lot of moves & life-changes. It is precious for two reasons: because the giver of the book radiated the love of God in a way which deeply impressed me; & because the book illuminated new ways to see & live God's love. 

My journey of faith, hope & love began when I was four, when my parents enrolled me & my siblings in Sunday School. The church of my youth had a very specific, perfectionist way of teaching faith. I absorbed it, & grew in it, but of course, I never felt that I had mastered anything close to perfection. I had faith in God, hope in good things to come, & love for God & man, much like any other young Christian person.

When I came to Rolling Bay Presbyterian Church around the age of 40, I knew I had found a path to a richer, freer relationship with God. The teachings, sermons & book studies, the various, wonderful ministries of the church - all blessed & helped me to grow in faith in God & His unconditional love - & away from the perfectionism of my childhood faith. Vestiges of it remained, but I became much freer in this community. Serving in LOGOS, as a Deacon & Stephen Minister expanded my faith; Lectionary class enriched it. Women’s Fellowship gave me some of the greatest friendships I had ever known.

I'm one of those people who was always looking for her "gifts." I never felt really talented at anything - you could say, "a jack of all trades, master of none" - except at loving.  I could love - freely, almost effortlessly - & I enjoyed loving the people in my circle of care. But that's not really considered a talent, & it is certainly not a marketable skill in today's economy! 

I had many jobs, & I worked diligently at them, but no job ever felt like it was a "calling," other than motherhood. And I didn't even feel especially talented, or naturally gifted, at that. But I received the gift of a wonderful husband, a son (David) & daughter (Katie), & I love them deeply.

When Katie was diagnosed with cancer in the fall of 2006, my faith changed. It went from study – learning from wisdom teachers, & trying to live what I learned - to a place where "the rubber meets the road." There was little time to read, no time to study, & no place for theological discussion. Faith in a children’s hospital meant accepting the path that we were on, & trusting that we were not alone on that path. It meant entering the field of ministry with the clothes on our backs – & very little else.

There was no time to go home & try to become a better, more perfect person; it was time, then & there, to do the best we could, because Katie could die at any moment. We were told from the outset that any - every - moment could be her last, & we lived in acute awareness of that fact. In the cancer ward, death was never far from our thoughts.

That changes how you live, how you practice your faith. Faith becomes walking the path as gently as possible, & looking for God in every person, in every situation, no matter how frightening or dark it seems to be. The teachings I had absorbed here at Rolling Bay sustained me during this time.

Hope became a single-pointed thing: HOPE meant hope for a cure, for recovery, for restoration of our daughter's life. HOPE meant going home with a cancer-free Katie. Suddenly, the other things we hoped for in our previous life fell away. 

There were short-term goals to hope for, along the way: that the chemo would shrink the tumor, that Katie would get through each day’s procedures without difficulty or pain, that she would survive until she could have surgery to remove the tumor – and, survive the surgery itself - but all of the lesser hopes pointed to the big one: CURE. That HOPE could also be called our PRAYER, and the prayers of countless others, including this community.

LOVE became the means, the WAY, of living. Love expressed by others became the daily evidence of God's presence with us – like manna from heaven - and we saw it in countless acts of generosity & tenderness (many of them from this community). LOVE became the way we could serve Katie (and each other), the way to hold our family together, the way to endure the many hardships of life in the hospital (and living as a foursome in one room at Ronald McDonald House). Love not only fulfilled the law, it smoothed the way, softened the edges, gave us eyes to see with humor & gentleness - countless times, day after day.

LOVE did bear all things, endure all things, & it never failed. We may have fallen short in any given moment, but through it all, LOVE carried us.

You know that our prayers for Katie to be cured were not answered in the way we had hoped; she recovered from her surgery, only to relapse, & die, after 10 months of suffering. 

What does this do to our FAITH, HOPE & LOVE?

Well, in my case, HOPE transitioned to hope to survive her death; to be able to carry on, spiritually, emotionally & physically; to live without bitterness, & be a good wife to Gregg & mother to David. I also hoped to find peace with God after this devastating turn of events.

My FAITH went through the refiner's fire.

I wrestled with God. If innocent children die, in spite of our best efforts to save them, how do we relate to this God? How can we go on saying “God is LOVE?” What can that mean, NOW? 

I came to see that the God of my childhood faith was not quite the way He had been portrayed to me. He was not a magician. He was not a mathematical being; our prayers were not "if...then" equations, with perfect sums as a result. Life is messy; it does not “add up.” It is mysterious, & heartbreaking; but this is the life we are given, & in spite of its messiness, it is still a beautiful gift.

As a result of Katie's illness & death, my faith expanded to include mystery, disappointment, & the Good Friday of my daughter's death. It includes faith in the Resurrection, as well, but before I get to enjoy that gift, it is necessary to live through her time on the cross, her time in the tomb - & my life without her, here on earth.
I began to see Mary, the mother of Jesus, as a great mentor & example.

And I learned that the way of the cross is not simply an icon to gaze upon; it is the WAY that we will all have to walk, in some form, at some time in our lives. We may walk it in Mary's footsteps – accompanying one we love - or in those of Jesus, as the sufferer - but the cross is the way of all flesh. I now have faith that God understands, cares, weeps & walks with us, every step of the way, whether we can see Him & feel His presence in our distress, or whether we can't. He gave us this cruciform pattern, & walked through it with His own Son, so we can know ahead of time what is to come – & that we are not alone when it happens to us!

With all of these changes in my hope & faith, I hope you can see that “the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen” is LOVE: our love for Katie, and the Love of God enfolding us – you, and me, and all of His creation. God’s love brings healing to our hearts. LOVE transforms our pain into compassion, into blankets for others who are suffering, into better cancer treatments which are NOW saving lives, into patience, service, generosity & understanding.

Our prayers are being answered; not necessarily according to our HOPES – yet they are still being answered. LOVE carries on, eternally working for the good of all of God’s children.

Your QUILTS are a wonderful illustration of that love, put into action. Generosity - Artistry - a Desire to Bless – Creativity – Craftsmanship – Patience – Warmth – Comfort: springing from God’s creative LOVE, these qualities are stitched into each quilt, and they bless – and enfold – each recipient. That is LOVE in action. Your FAITH & HOPE light the way, but LOVE is what translates your faith & hope into living service. With help from the Fearless Quilters of Rolling Bay, we have donated over 2,000 quilts and blankets to Seattle Children's Hospital's patients through Katie's Comforters Guild!

Henry Drummond wrote:

“There is a great deal in the world that is delightful & beautiful; there is a great deal in it that is great & engrossing; but it will not last…Nothing that it contains is worth the life & consecration of an immortal soul. The immortal soul must give itself to something that is immortal…You will give yourselves to many things; give yourself first to LOVE…he that dwelleth in love dwelleth already in God. For God is Love…You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments that stand out, the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in a spirit of Love.”

So I agree with the Apostle Paul, and Henry Drummond, that “The Greatest of These is LOVE.”                                       

NieNie Dialogues, Childhood Cancer & Me

If you are a fan of the NieNie Dialogues, as I am, you'll be interested to see that Stephanie has a posting up today about Childhood Cancer.

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, as you know if you've been a reader here in past years, and it is wonderful when a blogger with a big following (like Stephanie) writes to raise support and awareness.
Please follow this link to The NieNie Dialogues and read about a precious young girl who is in treatment for the 2nd time. There are beautiful items for sale right now to raise support for her family's medical bills. If you can't make a purchase, perhaps you can send a message of support.

Stephanie has included a wonderful little paragraph about my book - thank you for the shout-out, NieNie! If you haven't read Stephanie's book, "Heaven is Here," I recommend it; it's the true story of her survival of a plane crash (and burns over more than 80% of her body). Her faith, her truthfulness, joy, healing, deep love of family, and the outpouring of support they experienced are inspiring and encouraging. I read it, enjoyed and learned from it, and gave a copy as a gift to my mom. Click on the link to check it out!

Spring Joys

These lovely flowers are in planters in a little shopping center on the main street of Bainbridge Island. We went for a walk around town and they brightened my day so much that I wanted to share them with you.

I've been busy doing homework, learning a great deal and enjoying it immensely. I'll be in class two times during this week and am looking forward to what we're going to learn. Everyone I've met through NSA is interesting, kind and energetic, and the curriculum is exciting. It's been a long time since I was in school and I'm finding it stimulating. It came at just the right time, and I am grateful to have this opportunity to learn new things.

Gregg and I took a quick trip to visit David last weekend. It's a 5-hour trip from the west side of the state to the east side, and the terrain changes dramatically as you travel.

The view from home

Snoqualmie Pass in April

Crossing the Columbia River at Vantage

Eastern Washington - look at those clouds!

 It was lovely to see David, and take him out to eat some good food...

Sushi & Sashimi for three of us to share

He and Gregg went golfing with our cousin, Kim while I did homework at the hotel. Afterward, we all gathered at Kim & Mary's house for dinner.

Kim & Gregg are like brothers. It's fun to get together and hear stories of the days when they were growing up.

We enjoyed walking on campus with David and seeing the beautiful Catholic symbols and art.

Detail on a stairway railing

This statue needs no explanation.

There is new grotto on campus, which is dedicated to Mother Mary, in memory of a beloved priest (Father Tony).

They have candles and lighting sticks available for anyone to use.

I lit a candle; there is such comfort in this simple act of prayerful intention.

We took walks through downtown Spokane, marveling at the power of the waterfalls on the river.

Rainbow, faintly visible on the left, by the bridge

A beautiful, renewable resource - spring snowmelt!

The Brews Bros. coffee shop gave me a pink lid for my coffee cup - a simple addition which made my morning java special.

It's good to get away and get a fresh perspective on things...but it's always wonderful to come home again.

What Was It?

I have been pondering this question for weeks, since attending the Living Proof LIVE event:
in the days when Jesus was on earth, what would make a Jewish person turn aside from centuries of tradition, culture and teaching to embrace the idea that the much longed-for Messiah had actually arrived? What would make them agree that Jesus was the One, and change their lives, being baptised into faith in him? What was so compelling about him, and about his message, that they just knew - or, at least, believed?

And what would make a pagan, an idol-worshiper, a member of the ruling class, not a Jew, turn from idols and believe that Jesus was the One, and that his way was The Way - that, in fact, he himself was The Way, the Truth and the Life? What would re-orient a person's life that much? What did they hear? What did they see, that made it worth turning their lives around, and over to God, through Jesus?

I remember the first time I heard about God; I was about four years old, and a brand-new student in Sunday School. My father had decided that our family needed to start going to church, and my mother agreed, so they took us to the only church he knew: the First Church of Christ, Scientist. On the wall of our Sunday School were the words "GOD IS LOVE," written in gold letters, all capitals. I recall thinking, "Of course!" It was the most natural thing to my four-year old mind; it just made sense.

Though I am no longer a Christian Scientist, I still see Christianity as primarily an experience of LOVE - the love of God - showed to us in various ways, times and places, but totally illustrated in the life of Jesus. Perhaps belief or faith is the gate, but the experience, the message and the only kernel of truth worth taking with me to my grave, whatever happens - is love. What else could cross all cultural, intellectual, emotional, practical, time/space and spiritual boundaries with such a powerful and lasting attraction? Faith, in my experience, is not something that everyone possesses, desires, understands or receives willingly. But love - that's a different thing. Everyone can give love, and everyone desires it.

Perhaps before we can receive faith, move beyond skepticism or even belief, we need to be touched by love. Perhaps love is the activator of dormant faith - faith which exists as potential within us all.

"Jesus said to his disciples:
'I have much more to tell you, but you cannot bear it now.
But when he comes, the Spirit of truth,
he will guide you to all truth.
...Everything that the Father has is mine...
the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me
and have come to believe that I came from God.
I came from the Father and have come into the world.
Now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father...
Father, the hour has come...that your son may give eternal life to all you gave him.
Now this is eternal life,
that they should know you, the only true God,
and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ...
I revealed your name to those whom you gave me out of the world...
Now they know that everything you gave me is from you,
because the words you gave to me I have given to them,
and they accepted them and truly understood that I came from you,
and they have believed that you sent me.' " - John 16, 17

Those who didn't hear Jesus himself had an opportunity to hear about him from Paul (previously known as Saul, a former deadly persecuter of those who believed that Jesus was the One). When speaking to the gentiles, Paul showed his understanding of their background, and made a beautiful, clear statement to them in Athens:
" 'You Athenians, I see that in every respect
you are very religious.
For as I walked around looking carefully at your shrines,
I even discovered an altar inscribed, "To an Unknown God."
What therefore you unknowingly worship, I proclaim to you.
The God who made the world and all that is in it,
the Lord of heaven and earth,
does not dwell in sanctuaries made by human hands,
nor is he served by human hands because he needs anything.
Rather it is he who gives to everyone life and breath and everything.
He made from one the whole human race
to dwell on the entire surface of the earth,
and he fixed the ordered seasons and the boundaries of their regions,
so that people might seek God,
even perhaps grope for him and find him,
though indeed he is not far from any one of us.
For "In him we live and move and have our being,"
as even some of your poets have said,
"For we too are his offspring."
Since therefore we are the offspring of God,
we ought not to think that the divinity is like an image
fashioned from gold, silver, or stone by human art and imagination.
God has overlooked the times of ignorance,
but now he demands that all people everywhere repent
because he has established a day on which he will 'judge the world
with justice' through a man he has appointed,
and he has provided confirmation for all
by raising him from the dead.' "    - Acts 17

Paul told them the good news of the love of God, declaring His nature and will, in words that they understood (using their own poetry to illustrate his point). What a bold witness he was!

"The essence of Christianity, and what makes it distinct from...other religions, is the knowledge of God as our Father. Jesus makes it possible for each of us to personally know God as our Father. To see Jesus is to see what God is like. In Jesus we see the perfect love of God – a God who cares intensely and who yearns over men and women, loving them to the point of laying down his life for them upon the Cross. Jesus is the revelation of God – a God who loves us completely, unconditionally and perfectly."  - from http://www.dailyscripture.net

I'm starting to believe that this love is the "good news" that made people, Jews and gentiles alike, turn from what they knew to an entirely new way of living, when they heard Jesus, his disciples and Paul speak. And it is still good news today, and needed as much as ever. I'm not talking about religion, but the Word of Love.

If we could receive that Word afresh, with ears like those hearing His message for the first time, perhaps we would find that Love activates faith. Faith leads to experience. Experience confirms faith, which increases faith, and leads to gratitude, praise and more love.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God,
because God is love.
This is how God showed his love among us:
he sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.
This is love:
not that we loved God,
but that he loved us
and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
Dear friends, since God so loved us,
we also ought to love one another.
No one has ever seen God;
but if we love one another,
God lives in us
and his love is made complete in us.."   - 1 John 4

This I believe.

Blessed Be Your Name

I love this song. I loved it during the summer of 2006, when the sun was shining down on me, and the world was all as it should be - and I sang it through tears after Katie's diagnosis. It is a prayer that I still love to sing and pray.

 
Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

The Rest of the Story

Maribeth and others on stage with Beth Moore, illustrating "We, You & They" in Paul's 1st letter to the Thessalonians Maribeth was surprised to be asked to go up on the stage Saturday morning. Though she has a background of performing on stage, this particular invitation was not to perform something she had rehearsed. This was live, unscripted participation in something big. It was absolutely lovely for me to be present with her as she got to meet a teacher who has meant so much to her over the years. Saturday's session included prayer, music, worship and teaching. Again, I cried a great deal, with fresh sorrow and longing for Katie pouring out from deep inside of me. I felt broken open, my heart in God's hands. I could see that this kind of opening was taking place in other women, as well - there were many tears around the auditorium. A lot of emotion is generated when you get a group together and speak of the deepest relationships we have. The awakening of deep emotion itself is not necessarily to be trusted as a sign of lasting conversion, yet it can be a way of opening - to start fresh, to feel or see anew, to allow, to "turn around." So I let go, and just experienced it. And I listened, as Beth Moore challenged me to wonder if my prayer life, and my relationship with God, are producing fruit...fruit that will feed and nourish not just myself, but others - including those who have not yet met God who is Love. I have tried over the past five years to simply survive the cataclysmic events surrounding Katie's cancer diagnosis, treatment and death. To be frank, I have counted it success to still HAVE a relationship with God, after all that we went through. I have tried to rededicate my life to serving Him, as much as I am able. I try to do this daily, but I don't always accomplish it. I have not asked a great deal of myself in terms of growing in my faith, or in terms of sharing it with others; I have simply followed the road of gratitude and love, wherever it led, day by day. There is no shame or guilt in that; I did what I could do, and did it as faithfully as possible. Over these five years, I have felt called to serve the hospital, the cancer community and the grieving community. My book and the video are definitely fruits of that labor, and they are good. In Kansas City, I was moved to wonder in what field God might be calling me to work and serve Him now. I am not finished sharing the book; I have a marketing plan to implement. But perhaps the seeds of the next book are being planted; perhaps my work will grow beyond this particular field. I am reading Beth Moore's book, "Believing God;" it's not about believing IN God, but believing God's promises. I am listening, and doing my best to open my heart and mind to His message for me, NOW.  Latte, trying to absorb Beth Moore's book, "Believing God" by osmosis  These words of Father Rohr's resounded within me: "The Gospel of Mark (and all of the other gospels) leads up to Jesus finally standing alone, without anyone really comprehending what He’s talking about when He teaches on the “Reign of God.” Jesus realizes that He has to do it in His flesh. He’s got to stop talking about it. He’s got to let it happen. Maybe you’ve had the experience that it’s not until someone dies that we ask the ultimate questions, and that’s what we mean when we say Jesus had to die for us. It’s not that He had to literally pay God some price (unfortunately, many Christians understand it that way, as if the Father is standing up there in heaven with a big bill, saying, 'Until I get some blood, I’m not going to change my mind about the human race.'). That puts us in a terrible position in relation to God, and it can’t be true. As if God could not forgive without payment. It pulled God into our way of loving and forgiving which is always mercenary and tit for tat. "Quite simply, until someone dies, we don’t ask the big questions. We don’t understand in a new way. We don’t break through. The only price that Jesus was paying was to the human soul, so that we could break through to what is real and lasting." - Richard Rohr, Adapted from The Four Gospels (CD, MP3) Someone has died, and I am asking the big questions. Not only has Katie died, but part of the old Karen has, as well. What will this mean? I do not know, but I do know that asking God to "have at me" as I traveled produced a lot of movement in my life. I pray to be led very clearly and gently to the work that God has for me now.

Latte, getting "all up in my bi-ness" at home

Living Proof LIVE KC

When the worship music started - live and loud, led by Travis Cottrell - I was a bit stunned. The band was fantastic, with acoustic and electric guitars, bass, drums, two keyboards and five vocalists. They were singing Christian rock music, a genre of which I am mostly ignorant.

I was raised with traditional (old) hymns, and loved them; I have not heard a lot of Christian rock that I enjoy. There are a few songs ("Blessed Be Your Name" "Beautiful One") that have moved me deeply, but some of them are just a bit emotional for my comfort zone. I'm a Northerner - a Yankee - and I didn't realize how much of a Yankee I was until I began to feel as if I had stepped inside of an old-time tent revival meeting. There were huge video screens displaying words to the songs, and images from the life of Jesus. The power of the music, lyrics and visuals was nearly overwhelming.

I was quickly moved to tears. A huge wave of grief came over me, broke me open, and I was missing Katie openly and powerfully. In Kansas City with my closest girlfriend, at a worship service with 9,800 other women, I found myself longing for my girl so much that I could not control my tears. What was going on?

I suspect that God was accepting my invitation to Him to "have at me." The music, in a form with which I am not entirely comfortable, broke open my "hard candy shell" (Maribeth's term), and I had no choice but to surrender to it.

"Divine love is received by surrender instead of performance or perfection...If you keep listening to the love, if you keep receiving the love, trusting the love—even with all your limitations, with all your unworthiness, with all your limited intellect or whatever you feel holds you back—you start to experience within yourself a sense of possibility. "...be the "image and likeness of God" that you already are. We each are unlike any other image or likeness. God is saying to each of us, “All I want is for you to return to the Sender who you really are!” Ironically, it takes most of our life to find it and to accept it...As Mother Teresa loved to say, 'The only real success is faithfulness.' " - Richard Rohr, adapted from Following the Mystics through the Narrow Gate ...Seeing God in All Things

It was if I was being assaulted by a very bright light...blinking hard, a little bit stunned, pulling away and then giving in. It was undeniably a physical, emotional and spiritual experience, all at the same time. My "Yankee" head was trying to keep my heart at an intellectual distance from the overwhelming emotions of the unfamiliar style of worship: back and forth, pulling away and giving in.

When the music stopped and Beth opened the session, she issued a deep welcome to all of us. She prayed for all of us attending, she read excerpts from letters from some of those in the audience; she welcomed a group who had announced themselves as "God-haters," who were seated somewhere in the auditorium, and spoke lovingly to them. Beth assured them that God does not hate them. She pointed out that there were women from 26 states and a multitude of denominations (all Christian,  but quite varied) in the crowd.

Beth got on her knees and we all prayed together. Then, she began to teach out of the book of 1st Thessalonians, focusing on the concepts of "we, you and they" as Paul was using them, writing about himself/Silas/Timothy, the believers at Thessalonika and the world around them. It was illuminating. She asked a large church - Maribeth's church, one of the sponsors of the event - to select three people to represent the "we, you and they" for the next morning's session.

We returned to the hotel, talked about what we had learned, and why I was stricken so strongly with grief in that place. I realized that, though I am thankful to God for all that He has done for us, and thankful for all of His gifts, when I worship in a group (especially through music), I miss Katie more than ever. I miss our church life; I miss the community, and worshiping with my family; I miss our old life, and that includes being with my daughter, son and husband in church.

The emotions that praise music evoked brought out a huge conflict that has been hidden deep within my heart:  though I am glad that Katie is safe with God, I am terribly unhappy that she is not still here with us. In that auditorium, led by Beth Moore, and surrounded by women in fellowship, I found that I am not totally trusting God. I am not sure why this is, but suspect that it is because He has Katie, and I have not stopped wanting her back. I am in conflict. I still love Him, honor Him, am grateful to Him daily - but I am deeply hurt, to the point of tears, when I try to sing His praise - that her life was not spared. I miss the community that church represents, but I do not want to go back without my whole family. In that huge auditorium, standing next to my dear friend, I became aware of a tug of war inside of me. By the time the evening session was over, I was wiped out emotionally, and challenged spiritually.

And then Maribeth received the call, asking her to go up on stage in the morning as one of three women (out of 9,800) to represent the "you" in Paul's letter to the Thessalonians.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore

...but that's where I've been for five action-packed days. I went to visit Maribeth, a.k.a. MB, who you  will recognize, if you've read my book.

Maribeth grew up in Kansas, and when her husband, Alan, was offered a job there, they moved back, after living here for about 10 years. I must say, while I was happy for them, I was sad for myself. Maribeth and I had a deep and rewarding friendship. We laughed hard, prayed together, shared family joys and difficulties, partied, celebrated and supported each other. She was with us throughout Katie's cancer journey, having survived cancer herself. She "got it." No words were needed, but all words were acceptable. A true-blue friend.

The silver lining on the cloud of her moving is the fact that she comes back to Washington often because her (young adult) children still live here. I love to host her in our home, and there is nothing better than sipping morning coffee in your jammies with a friend you haven't seen in months, or staying up late, drinking wine and talking about everything under the sun. I always love it when she visits. When she invited me to come to stay with her in Kansas, I jumped at the opportunity.

Part of the significance of the timing of my visit was the fact that Beth Moore, a Bible teacher who founded Living Proof Ministries, was coming to K.C. to speak and worship. MB has told me about Beth Moore for years, but I never opened one of her books nor visited her website. This was an opportunity to hear her speak, and to be inspired by a new kind of worship experience.

If you are a regular reader here, you will know that I tend toward the contemplative and mystical aspects of Christianity. I have been over the map from Christian Science to Presbyterian to Catholic to Buddhist & Sufi, and I was blessed by all of them at one time or another - and some are still blessing me. What I haven't experienced is Southern Christianity, and this event was a revelation on many levels. I am going to share more about that in the coming days.

Starting at the beginning, I decided to let God "have at me" on this trip. I had had a few unsettling encounters here which I needed to let go, and this trip came at just the right time. I opened myself to whatever God wanted to do with me, "unplugged" from my everyday life, let Gregg take on the responsibilities of home that I shoulder when he is overseas on business, and packed to leave.

As I was waiting at the gate to board the plane, Maribeth texted me with the devastating news that their sweet Lilly (a Boston Terrier, beloved by all) had died. What an awful way for her and Alan to start the day, and to have a guest arrive in the midst of it! But they welcomed me in spite of their grief, and we all showered their baby Boxer, Cissy, with extra love and attention.

I have never had a puppy in my life, and I fell in love with this one.

I miss her!

More to come...

False Expectations and the Paschal Mystery

"The only way you can be delivered from that sin is to have your false expectations destroyed, once and for all. And that is precisely what happened between Palm Sunday and Good Friday. Jesus drew the false, sinful expectations of the world unto himself, absorbed them, and bore them on the cross. His death was the death of all of our false expectations, and therefore his death was the death of sin itself. The false piety of Palm Sunday is crucified on Good Friday and buried that night, in order that true faith in God might be created on Easter through the resurrection of Jesus Christ."   - Edwin Peterman

What a thought-provoking statement. What false expectations could he be talking about?

Maybe the ones that assume we won't experience suffering, if we "do life right."
...the ones that assume that, if we are as good as we know how to be, we won't make mistakes.
...that people will love us, if we do our best, with best intentions.
...that our savings will grow, so we will have a "comfortable" retirement.
...that if we pray, we will get what we want.
...that our children will be safe, if we take good care of them and follow the wisdom at hand.
...that if we just lost that last 5 pounds, had that pair of jeans, owned that car, got that job, looked like "her," had that degree, believed the right things, that we would feel better.
...that if we eat right and "take care of ourselves," we won't really have to face death.

From my own experience, there is a huge difference between consenting to BELIEVE the paschal mystery and consenting to EXPERIENCE the paschal mystery. I believed it; I believed that Jesus went through it to show us how much he and God loved us. I did NOT believe that he went through it to show me how to do it...and yet he said, "I Am the Way."

Now, because of what I learned with Katie (and my family) on her cancer journey, I believe that Jesus consented to going through the humiliation, beating, abandonment, the way of the cross and tomb, in love and obedience to God - and out of love for all of us. He took that path in order to show me what I was going to have to do myself...what we will all be called to do, in some way, at some time...To let go of what we think we cannot live without,

and embrace what God, who is Love, is giving us:  Himself.

"Christians speak of the "paschal mystery," the process of loss and renewal that was lived and personified in the death and raising up of Jesus. We can affirm that belief in ritual and song, as we do in the Eucharist. However, until we have lost our foundation and ground, and then experience God upholding us so that we come out even more alive on the other side, the expression "paschal mystery" is little understood and not essentially transformative.

Crucifix, Cinque Terre, Italy

"Paschal mystery is a doctrine that we Christians would probably intellectually* assent to, but it is not yet the very cornerstone of our life philosophy. That is the difference between belief systems and living faith. We move from one to the other only through encounter, surrender, trust and an inner experience of presence and power."  - From Richard Rohr's  Things Hidden: Scripture as Spirituality, p. 62, 63

[*from Karen: I would venture to add that though we might intellectually assent to it, we may not see it as a positive doctrine as we are going through it. We will more likely feel as if we are being asked to die.]

"Faith is a journey into darkness, into not-knowing." ~ Richard Rohr

If God is Love, then that darkness is not a place of fear, but of love.

Memories of Katie & the Bible

Reading the story of Jonah today in the Lectionary reminded me of reading the Bible to David and Katie when they were small. I wanted to teach them about God, but I am not, by nature, a teacher. Though he was baptised and confirmed in the Lutheran church, Gregg was completely turned off of the topic somehow during his experiences growing up, so he was not going to participate in this part of our children's education.

Having grown up in a very rigid religion, and knowing how Gregg felt, I wanted to be sensitive and gentle in teaching my children about God. Relationship with God is so personal that it was not easy for me to know how to introduce David and Katie to this Person, this Being, and the relationship they have with Him/Her. We attended church, took them to Sunday School, and I participated in church activities with them. I bought Bibles with stories written for children, books on prayer for children, and I tried to keep my words brief and simple. But it always felt a little odd to speak to them about something that is mystical; it is hard to communicate such things with words. I did the best I could to convey what I felt or understood.

I found that nature was a great teacher, and a living illustration of God in action. For example, when she was nearly four and a half years old, I tried using the analogy of the wind to illustrate something about God with Katie:

Karen: God is invisible

Katie: He is real!

Karen: Yes, but you cannot see Him. He is like the wind…. You can see what it does to things, you can feel it, but you can’t see it. You can’t smell God, either.

Katie: I smelled him

Karen: Really? What did he smell like?

Katie: Like raspberry. He had a raspberry bubble bath.

I also discovered a wonderful book by Sister Wendy Beckett called "A Child's Book of Prayer in Art," which was helpful. There are masterpieces of art with some text explaining them, and a simple prayer for each work. It is a beautiful way to integrate the Biblical ideas and images, and it is appropriate for the attention span of a child. As a woman with a degree in fine art, I loved it, too.

As far as I can recall, Katie's favorite was the painting by Domenico Ghirlandaio called Portrait of an Old Man & a Young Boy:

It's interesting to me, because Katie was very visual, highly sensitive to appearances and beauty. She loved to stare at people and study them. The heading of this particular chapter in Sister Wendy's book is "Love," and the prayer is,

"Teach me to accept other people with love as you do.

Help me to take other people as they are and

never be cruel or unkind, whatever they look like."

We also had a book of children's Bible stories, and the one she wanted me to read over and over again was the story about Esther. I don't know if it was the 12 months of beauty treatments and the presentation to the king which appealed to Katie, or the fact that Esther was chosen out of obscurity and became queen, or whether it was the fact that Esther saved her people, which appealed to Katie. I wish I knew; I only know that she liked to hear that story again and again.

Today's devotional from Fr. Rohr contains words about St. Francis of Assisi:
"Francis is always telling [creatures] that by their very existence they are inherently giving glory to God. All things should be who they truly are, and that is enough...Each creature has a unique thing to do in the circle of life, and in that simple performance it is giving glory to a unique aspect of God and making us happy besides..." - From In the Footsteps of Francis: Awakening to Creation

That is Good News indeed: unconditional love.

I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to share the Bible, my faith and the love of God with our children. I pray that it helped - and still helps them - in every path they travel.

When Katie was dying, she asked me about life after death, and I did my best to explain what I had read, heard, and felt to be true. Now, I look forward to seeing Katie again, and learning what she knows of all of these things.