Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Nightmare

Last week, I had a nightmare.

In the dream, I was told by my doctor that my cancer had returned. A treatment plan had to be made. People had to be informed.

In my dream, I was sad, disappointed, surprised, but not shocked. I thought, "I don't want to go through cancer treatment. Well, the good thing about this is that I'll get to see Katie." I also thought, "Now I know how Katie felt when she heard this."

I worried that I couldn't put my parents through this again. Losing Katie had just about done them in; I couldn't bear to see them suffer like that again.

I wondered who was going to be able to take care of me.

I was partway through the day when I remembered the nightmare. I realized that I had been a little bit "off" all day, and that might have been the reason.

When I told my mom about it, she said, "Well, of course; it was the 16th."

The 16th (of August, 2007) is the date on which Katie passed away. I don't mark it every single month on the day anymore, but I do think about it.

I've never had cancer, but I have lived with it as a friend, caregiver and family member.

Apparently, my subconscious is still working on it.

11 comments:

Gannet Girl said...

An enormous encircling hug to you.

ChiTown Girl said...

Wow, that is really something. Even your subconscious keeps track of the calendar, huh?

endswith8741 said...

Dreams help us process so much.

Smileygirl said...

I was thinking the same thing as Chitown. Our subconscious knows ALL. Scary and fascinating all at the same time. And pleasant dreams tonight!

Busy Bee Suz said...

It has to be in the back of your brain all the time, you are just getting better at keeping it under wraps.

Elizabeth said...

Hugs and prayers to you.

Mary said...

The subconscious is powerful... I read this post last night before I went to bed. As I was falling asleep I was thinking that I'd like to know about some of Katie's favorite pastimes or foods or books, so that on August 16th, if possible, I might try to do one of those things, in her honor and yours.

karengberger said...

Mary, I posted my answer in a comment on your blog, but I'm going to do it here, too:

Thank you for asking about Katie's favorite foods, pastimes or books. That means more to me than I can say. She loved chocolate, reading "Peanuts" and "Archie" comics, reading & writing stories, acting, swings, musicals (esp. "Phantom of the Opera" & "Mamma Mia"), movies (all of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" & "Harry Potter" series"), shopping for clothes, reading fashion magazines, and Playmobil, to name a few. =)
Thank you again, so much, for asking. XO

Mary said...

Thanks Karen. We'll be in CT on the 16th. I'm going to get my kids Peanuts and Archie comics for the long airplane and car rides -- they will love that. And I will eat lots of chocolate and think of you and Katie.

Karla said...

Dreams are funny that way aren't they. It never ceases to amaze me the tings I thought I've delt with or moved on from that then crop up in dreams.

Anonymous said...

I wish I was witty with words, but sadly I am not...but I do love reading your blog and seeing your beautiful pictures and hearing of your family. God Bless