Quite by accident (or by Providence, however you want to look at it), I was sent a message today that contained a reference to something I wrote in this post last month. It's not the first reference that I have seen to that posting, and I feel the need to comment on the comments.
Some people have challenged, "corrected," and disagreed with what I wrote. That is their prerogative; it's freedom of speech for all of us. This is my blog, where I write my feelings about what has happened, and tell the truth about what is happening. I tell the truth, and the truth is not always pretty.
My faith in God and my love for God are undiminished, but they are changed.
I am changed.
When I wrote "my life is ruined," I meant, as Elizabeth clearly understood, that the life I had before Katie got sick and passed away, - the life I worked to build, intentionally, with my husband and family, - the life that I LOVED, is ruined -- it's over. The old life has ended; it is dead. I have a new life, a life without Katie.
If you think that this means I've lost my faith, am ungrateful, do not trust God, am not enjoying aspects of my new life, so be it. Those things are not true, but you have the right to think whatever you wish; that is one of the risks I take in blogging here, but you will be wrong to judge me this way. If you believe those things, you clearly haven't heard the rest of what I am saying, and have been saying, for a year and a half.
This life is a journey; it is a process. Grieving is a process. There are bleak days, and happier days. There are painful moments and joyful moments.
I am learning to live without Katie.
It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I get up every day to do it again.
I try to look for the good in each day, in the world and in people. I love the Lord. I do my best, each day.
If you cannot bear to think that "my life is ruined," so be it. I know that my old life is gone; I have a new life, and I have the right to grieve the loss of the old one.
I miss it. It was a good life.
That is the truth.