A Posse

When we were told for the third (and last) time that Katie was going to die, after the initial shock wore off, I started to think: maybe Katie could use a posse. I was thinking of the best women I know who have already passed away. I started to call on them in my mind and heart: Please come and be ready to meet my daughter when she passes. I want her to be surrounded with mother-love, and I need your help; I can't go with her. Please be waiting for her, with your love.

These are the women I thought about:

Diane Fuquay, MD, my friend and Katie's & David's pediatrician

Auntie Bernice, Grandma G's sister
Marie Poulsen, a dear friend and mentor of mine (seen here holding Katie)

and Helen Katzung, my mother's best friend (and an "auntie" to me).

I don't know whether or not it worked, but it comforted me to ask the women who have been dear to Katie and me to help us. I also thought alot about Mary, the mother of Jesus, and I prayed for mercy and gentleness, love and no fear. We did receive that.

I believe it was Diane who met Katie as she was passing.

Since Katie's birthday (March 8), it's been driving me crazy that I couldn't find her FIRST birthday photos. When she was in the CICU following her surgery, I decided to do a little scrapbooking, to keep my hands busy, and to give way to my urge to DO SOMETHING, without making a complete nuisance of myself with the nurses. Of course, as the days went on, the nurses taught me how I could help take care of Katie, and that was much better. But during the times when I couldn't help much, I tried working on Katie's baby book. (My closest friends will know right here just how bad things were. I do not like scrapbooking. At all. I love photos, but I do not like the process of putting them in albums. I only do it so we will have photo albums to enjoy. Katie and I both love LOOKING at photos.) I didn't get very far with the scrapbook, but I remember one lovely nurse bringing in paper for me to use to make the backgrounds for the pages. What a sweetheart.

When I was putting Katie's birthday slideshow together for the blog, I couldn't find any photos of her on her first birthday. I felt like a "bad mother" for that. We didn't have digital photos then, either, so I'd have to actually, physically FIND them. If you know what we've been through in the last year and a half, you will know that it's hard to find things around here now. Plus, I separated her baby photos from the others, in order to take them to the hospital to put in the scrapbook. Apparently, they are still in a bag.

However, today, when looking for the photos of the women in Katie's Posse, I found these:

They are of her first birthday cake, which I made using a rocking-horse cake mold. I decorated it, and if you look carefully, you can just make out a 1 on the saddle. I thought I had found the photos of Katie with the cake, too, but I am going to have to look again. I guess I'll find those another time. If I took myself too seriously, I'd worry.

Oh, well.