Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Mother's Day

I am not looking forward to Mother's Day.

In my family of origin, not everyone gets along really well. I have begun to dread the ALL TOGETHER gatherings. I can take some combinations of people, but the ones who do not get along are so uncomfortable that it makes me miserable to be around them, and I am going to try, from now on, to avoid the entire clan gathered together, unless something improves. This is not a slam to anyone; it's just that I do not intend to expose myself to that negative energy any longer.

Having said that, it puts a bit of a damper on efforts to gather to celebrate special days, including Mother's Day. I'm a mother, too. On top of that, last year at this time, we were able to go to Seattle to a wonderful restaurant for dinner, and Katie got dressed up for it, and even ate some dinner with us. She was smiling and happy. I was happy.

It's not that way this year.

That was my last Mother's Day with my only daughter, and though I am blessed with a marvelous son whom I adore, and for whom I am deeply thankful, I'll never spend Mother's Day with Katie again, never hold her babies and celebrate her Mother's Day, etc., etc.

That's all.

It's going to be hard to face it this year, and though Gregg has kindly asked me what I want to do on Mother's Day, I have no idea. Just none.

Yesterday, I was in my car and listening to Jackson Browne again. He has a song called, "Sky Blue and Black," which we love. Part of it says:

"If you ever need holding, call my name, I'll be there;
If you ever need holding, no holding back, I'll see you through...
You're the color of the sky reflected in each storefront windowpane;
You're the whispering and the sighing of my tires in the rain.
You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost in everything I do,
Yeah, and I'll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadow and the faces on the avenue. That's the way love is..."

That's how I feel about Katie.


Dreamer girl said...

The one thing that I get from all of your posts is that you are a wonderful, loving mother who has taken that role seriously and is doing that job in a big way. So, I have to wish you a big mother's day greeting.
I really like the words in your song. Have a blessed day and don't let any "combinations" get you down.
Thanks for the nice comment about my graduation. It made my day.

Karla W. said...

The future is such an amazing thing. David is a wonderful and sweet young man. I imagine that one day he'll meet an equally wonderful young woman and I can totally picture you loving mother's day as you are surrounded by David, his wife, and lovely little grandbabies. :)

I realize that doesn't help for this mothers day. As there is still so much fresh pain.

Sending hugs your way. Karla

Smileygirl said...

Another song I'll add to my playlist. Thank you. I'll be sending you prayers of peace and strength this Mother's Day season.

And you have every right to spend your day doing whatever it is you feel like, even if it means withdrawing from the family of origin. It's ok to step away and not get sucked into the dysfunction (not sure if that's necessarily the case but I'm using some interpretation here based on your post.)

As a side note, I'm not a big fan of Father's day anymore. My Dad's funeral was the day before Father's day and we had gone to brunch on Father's Day which was probably not a good idea. We were surrounded by happy smiling families with a Dad at every table, except ours. Our server asked if we were here to celebrate the day with our Father and I blurted out no he's dead. I didn't mean to come across so rude but I was just so sick of seeing Father's Day balloons, cards, commercials and FATHERS everywhere. From now on I prefer to stay in on that day.

karengberger said...

That is just the kind of thing that would hurt so much, Smileygirl. I can see why you would blurt. I'm a huge blurter, and it's gotten me into so much trouble with people. In fact, this post may do that, too, but I had to vent, and it's MY blog. No one has to visit; it's voluntary!
Thanks, too, Karla and dreamer girl.

Sheri said...

I have been avoiding thinking about Mother's Day. I think about what Mom and I are going to do, but in terms of my kids, I didn't even realize until I read your post how hard I am having to work at not thinking about it. It is good to know I am not alone.

I suspect you will have a lot of special communication from Katie on that day.

Until then, my heart hurts. For you. For me. For all of us who are mothers of angels.

Love you my friend.

The Engine of the Family said...

I know what you mean when you say you want to stay away from the negative energy. My family usually has some sort of drama going on also and I try to stay out of it as much as possible!

Mother's Day is a holiday that I have mixed feelings about. I grew up without my mom for the most part. We see each other often now, and I know she's 'my mom', but it's hard to become attached and have the relationship with her that I have with my kids. I'm not sure if she always understands that, but so much time and so many things happened in all those years we were apart. I'm comfortable with the relationship we have, I guess it's just what I know and to try for something more, wouldn't be real to me. Does that sound crazy?

Enjoy your day as a mother for every reason under the sun and on your own terms...for your son and for your daughter. Plan a relaxing spa day for yourself, do a scrapbook or look back at photos of the day the kids were born. You are a great mom and Katie is always with you. Take care :)

Karyn said...

Oh, this breaks my heart. I will be thinking about you on Sunday.