never going to be fine. Hope is more like a deep commitment to the idea that
life is essentially good and no tragedy has the power ultimately to
rob life of its goodness.
"Endurance is the word I use for not giving up. Or, as my spiritual director is fond of saying, 'Steven, you only have one job: Keep showing up.'
"To endure means not allowing any loss to convince us to 'mail in' the rest of our lives, to spend our days with an entitled chip on our shoulder. Cynical inertia does not become any human
being, no matter how profound the loss that seems to justify it. I can understand cynical inertia for a while, but I could never justify it as a committed world view."
On to more mundane topics...
I am nearing 49 years of age; I think it's safe to say that I've been just a bit stressed during the past year and a half. As a result of some combination of those two things, my teeth are cracking and breaking, one at a time. Perhaps I grind them in the night; Gregg seems to think that I do. I sometimes feel like a brittle old woman, anyway, these days, and this just makes more of an illustration of that. One of my favorite British terms for a nasty old woman is an "old trout," and may I just say...
Anyway, yesterday, it happened again; I think this is the 3rd or 4th broken tooth in 2 years, and, yes, I do take care of my teeth. I'm sure Dr. Peterson would back me up, but patient privacy laws prevent that. He is going to help me with this latest "casualty" today.
Before Katie became ill, Gregg and I were working on our fitness. Because I am only 5'1" tall, any extra weight shows up immediately on my frame; I can't hide it anywhere. When his parents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary in February, 2003, I saw the family photos taken and thought, "I canNOT be that old yet!" Vain? Perhaps; but I also did something about it. I got our family into a healthier way of eating, and I took up Pilates (and jogging/walking again). I made progress, grew stronger and was feeling good, especially as I got nearer to 50. I made some fun fashion choices and thought, I am doing all right; I am pretty snappy for my age...and then Katie got sick.
When we finally got to come home from the hospital last April, I did my best to return to a healthy routine. [The photo to the right is from Mother's Day, 2007.] All spring and summer I was running around in my job as homemaker. When Katie's cancer was diagnosed as terminal (in late July), life got more intense, and I didn't worry about my looks or health. I just needed fresh air and exercise to keep from getting too depressed.