The emotions of these days are only predictable in their unpredictability. Whatever comes, I try to surf it out, and not do anything rash. My anger is quick to arise and quick to abate. My sadness is deep and acute; when it recedes, it leaves me alert to the smallest joy, any relief. I am aware of Katie, and feel cut off from her. I have compassion for the difficulties of others, yet am unable to tolerate involvement with most of them. I like to read the caringbridge "family" updates, and send loving good wishes (prayers) to them. I read correspondence on http://www.griefhaven.org/, and understand so much of what is said by other mothers, deep in my heart. I want to help others, I start a project, and then run completely out of energy.
It is easy to overeat, to delay exercise, to get stuck, to have a second glass of wine with dinner. It is harder to resist these "drags" than I ever recall it being in my life.
It is necessary to get out for fresh air every single day, and at least walk, no matter the weather. Being grateful helps, but I often forget that.
Where is God in this? Where God has always been. Where am I with God? Deep in conversation, sometimes in avoidance, sometimes in supplication; at other times, I am listening and looking for a re-forming of a sense of who He/She is. I seek, I turn away; I love, I am angry. It's like a good, strong marriage during a really bad time. But I am grateful for that marriage! ...and thankful for those who have come before me, like King David and Jesus, Pema Chodron and Jack Kornfield, Joyce Rupp and Richard Rohr, who have walked this earth and been honest about it. Their truth-telling gives me light and encouragement, when I remember to look for it.